these days...

2010-02-16T12:36:00.000-06:00

Angel, a few days ago posted a blog hop about pet peeves. I am so in on this one!

People who squeeze the toothpaste wrong. I refuse to share a tube of toothpaste with my husband for this very reason. The proper way is neatly from the bottom, flattening the tube as you go. S just squishes it willy-nilly, often from the middle, never flattening, and not at all neatly. So I have my own toothpaste.

Seams on socks. Socks that don't stay up. People who make seamy, slouchy socks.

The formatting in this stupid blogger window. It's not cooperating at all.

People who spell the word lose as loose. Especially on weight loss forums.

Movie made from books where they completely screw it up. I understand they're going to have to make some changes. But at least try to stick to the original plot a little bit!

Clapping, snapping, any sharp loud sound. A group of people clapping isn't so bad, it dulls the sharpness. But a single person? Makes me want to bite them.

People who get offended that I'm not offended by something that offends them. I'm sorry that I don't share your causes/values/politics/whatever. But it's not my problem. Get over it.

Snow. I'm tired of it. And I don't even live in the Northeast. And being cold. I'm tired of that too.

Internet drama. I didn't like high school when I was there. I don't want to relive it 20 years later. I wish there was a way everyone could just act like adults and get over it and be nice to each other.

Headaches caused by eating sugar. I should know better by now. And by extension the Girl Scouts, and their evil Thin Mint cookies, without which I wouldn't have this headache right now.

Okay! I actually feel better now! Wow, maybe everyone should try this - getting it off your chest is good for you! Head on over to Angel's to see what annoys everyone else and to sign up yourself!

2010-02-12T19:58:00.000-06:00

A while back I followed a link on another blog to a site where you sign up to receive free books, provided you post a review of them. I'm all about the free books, so I decided to give it a try.

The book I got is an Amish romance called Plain Pursuit. I've always been fascinated by the Amish, and this book is quite good at making you feel like you're getting a peek into the Plain world. Not as good as Beverly Lewis' books, but still very interesting. The author, Beth Wiseman, uses a good bit of the Pennsylvania Dutch sprinkled throughout the novel to make it feel more like you're getting to see something a bit exotic.

The premise of the story is a newspaper journalist, Carley Marek, after a personal tragedy, goes to visit a friend who has converted to the Amish lifestyle. While there they discover the 13 year old son, David, of her friends husband is seriously ill. Carley meets a man she falls in love with, Noah, who happens to be the shunned brother of David's father. Typical romance novel plot, with a medical and Amish twist.

There were a few times I had to suspend disbelief while reading - the medical scenes were a little flimsy if you'd ever read actual medical thrillers, or had any real medical knowledge. But overall it was a very enjoyable read. At the very end of the book are recipes for some of the dishes mentioned in the book, bread, cookies, meatloaf and corn casserole. I'm actually looking forward to trying a couple of those.

So thanks to BookSneeze for the book! (even if I think the name of the site leaves something to be desired. And a desire to hand someone a tissue)

2010-02-09T10:16:00.000-06:00

Thank you all for your support! It means a lot - more than you know.

And hey! Stuff - it happened while I was gone. And I actually have pictures of some of it. Wanna see?

The biggest thing that happened was Joshua's 4th birthday! My baby is FOUR! This should not be possible. He is so proud of it though. I swear, (and I do) that it's the cutest thing I've ever seen. Anytime you tell him he can't do something he'll look up at you with the most serious expression and say "but I'm FOOOUUUR!" Like this is the magic age at which he's capable of everything. And as far as he's concerned he is. Because at four - he gets to go to school.

Which was pretty much the first thing he asked me on his birthday. We'd told him before, when he was upset about not getting to go to school with Christopher and Lexie, that he would be going to Pre-K when he was four. Which is true. Never thought to explain the whole school year concept to him though.... so the morning of January 19th, I found myself with one very ticked off newly-turned four year old, who did not understand why he had to stay home with boring old mommy still, instead of going off the building of mystery and endless fun known as school. Telling him he has to wait until August, when the new school year starts means nothing to him. He kept saying "but I'm four now. I'm not sick, I don't have to stay home with you. I can go to school." Poor kid. Finally I was able to distract him with promises of cake and ice cream, but I still get interrogated a couple times a week as to exactly when he's going to get to go to school. At this point, I can't wait for August!

So - Joshy at four - still sleeps with us every night. (thank you Daddy. Pushover :)) Is obsessed with Bakugan, Ben10, Power Rangers, anything superhero. Refuses to eat a sandwich of any sort - but loves meat, cheese and bread. On the same plate even. But don't stack them. Only eats frozen waffles for breakfast. And I do mean frozen - straight out of the freezer. If we're out, he will grudgingly accept a myriad of other options, including cereal, french toast, or pancakes. Loves bacon. Woo is super cuddly and gives fantastic hugs. He's the happiest of all my kids - rarely crying or throwing tantrums, usually content to play with toys, fighting wars and beating the bad guys. Has a girlfriend "poee" (Chloe) who he adores and has long conversations with on the phone. (She is also 4, and knows how to dial our number. She calls him all the time. It's beyond adorable) He will willingly tell you that Poee is his goofwend and that he wuvs her :) I cannot imagine my life without this kid!

How about some pictures?

cuddling with Bubby birthday morning.

cake!

candles

Chloe - not eating cake. Her only fault is that she won't eat chocolate :)

Okay - More stuff happened, and I have more pictures, but they'll have to wait for next time.

2010-02-07T21:10:00.000-06:00

Well, that sucked.

I went from that antsy, trapped, gotta-run-gotta-get-away feeling to the worst depression I think I have ever gone through. And when I crashed, I crashed hard and fast. On a Friday I was doing the 30 Day Shred, laughing and joking and having fun. Still feeling frantic, yes, but happy. Saturday I was down. Seriously down. Sunday I told S I wasn't sure my anti-depressants were working right, congratulating myself on catching it quickly and telling him at the beginning this time, unlike the last time when I waited until I was damn near suicidal before saying anything. We agreed I'd call my doctor the next day to discuss my medication.

A quick word about that - I'd been on Effexor, and shortly before Christmas we'd increased my dose - doubling it. When my doctor wrote the new script he wrote it for the generic version. I'd been on the name brand. I used up the pills I had on hand, taking 2 a day, which lasted me through Christmas. I was great - the new dose was perfect, I had no issues. When I filled the new prescription, the pharmacist called me to confirm that I was okay moving to the generic. She told me that some people didn't adapt well switching forms of the medication. Having done it before on a different AD, and thinking of the significant amount of money the generic would save me, I told her to go ahead.

So, on that weekend when I felt my meds weren't doing what they were supposed to, I figured that was the reason. I thought I would just call my PCP, get him to call a new prescription for the non-generic meds in, and everything would be all peachy again. But Monday morning I woke up so far down in the pit that I couldn't see out anymore. And it only got worse from there. I did manage to call my doctor that day, and start the brand name Effexor the next day. I made S go to the appointment with me because I wasn't sure I could handle it alone. I also wasn't sure I was going to make it out of the office unhospitalized. I couldn't answer that one magic question - the "are you safe to yourself?" in a satisfactory way. I wasn't actively suicidal, but I was close. So very close.

The depression eased up a little after a few days on the med. Not much, but enough that I wasn't wishing not to wake up anymore. But then I started dealing with a new issue. Anxiety. I was so tense and nervous. I couldn't sit still, I couldn't stop wringing my hands and biting my lips. I developed new fears. Talking to people, interacting at all became hard. I stopped answering the phone. Even for family - my mother, my sisters, my best friend from 2nd grade... I couldn't talk to any of them. And I couldn't leave the house. Which isn't the best situation for a mom - one day Christopher missed school all together because I just could NOT leave the house to take him to school. We ran out of the kids favorite foods because I couldn't go to the grocery store. Every time one of the kids walked out the door I had to calm myself down. I felt like I couldn't breathe if I had to answer the door.

Well - you get the picture. So, I made an appointment with a psychiatrist. Very nervously. I don't like psychiatrists. Not after being committed against my will as a teen. Not after being abused while I was there. But my PCP felt over his head with all this and S and I agreed that someone more familiar with psychotropic medications would probably be better at figuring out what I needed to be on. The appointment went very well. I didn't even see the psychiatrist, I saw her PA, who listened to a brief run down and prescribed Wellbutrin to be added to the Effexor. She said we may discuss weaning off the Effexor in a month when I go back , if the Wellbutrin is working for me, btu I'm not sure I want to mess with anything - if it's working why risk breaking it?

It's been about a week now - which I am sure isn't enough time for the Wellbutrin to have done much, but has been more time for the good Effexor to have more of an effect, and the past day and a half have been amazing. I woke up yesterday feeling sort of neutral - not depressed, but not me yet either. By bedtime I was smiling and laughing. Today? Today I am me. Dancing in the kitchen with my husband. Tickling my son. Playing Monopoly with my daughter. (and getting my butt royally kicked too!) And coming back, finally, to write on my blog. I'd say I missed it, but I didn't. Because I was too busy trying to remember why I was bothering to keep breathing to think about writing here. But I'm sure glad to be back.

2010-01-14T14:32:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I don't know if I even have any readers left at all, let alone any lurking readers, but what the heck! Today is delurking day, the day you peek out of the shadows and say hi! I'm doing it, you should too! So leave a comment, tell me a little bit about you. What's your favorite trashy television? Oreos or ice cream? Who's blog should I be reading that I'm not? Is Jillian Michaels really that evil? I want to hear from you, whatever you have to say!

2010-01-11T19:50:00.000-06:00

I'm stuck, restless, antsy. I'm tired of being in my head. I want to be someone else, do something else... something. I don't know.

Everything is fine. I'm happy, the kids are healthy and good. The boys have a new found closeness that is gorgeous to see. Lexie got her midterm grades and they are miles better than last quarter. Christopher is making progress. Joshua will be four (4!!) in a week. S is well - job stress kept to a minimum. I've been playing Super Mario Brothers on the Wii, and even though I can't get past the stupid castle I'm working on yet, I know I will. I have a husband who loves me like crazy, fantastic children I adore, a house I love, more than enough food in our cabinets, money enough to pay our bills, my health and the health of my family.

So what the hell is wrong with me? Why do I feel like I'm wearing the wrong skin? I want to do something crazy and outrageous, something that will irrevocably change everything. But there's nothing in my life that needs changing. Everything is good the way it is. I know this. But knowing and feeling aren't always in sync.

I'm sure it will all work itself out. Without me doing anything I'm sure I'd end up regretting eventually. But I wish it'd hurry up, I'm tired of feeling like this.

All about the hair

2010-01-05T14:50:00.000-06:00

And there goes Holidailies.... I just ran out of steam, and any desire whatsoever to update. Oh well, I still did fairly well. I made well past the minimum 20 required posts, so it counts as a success.

My visit with Jes was good. She went home on Sunday, and is right now flying her way to Washington for a 2 week visit with her family there, including our youngest sister. She talked me into letting her straighten my hair while she was here - something I'd never done before. It was weird - I've never seen my hair actually straight before. It didn't look bad though, just different. See?

Compare that to this - my hair fresh from the bath one night a couple months ago:

Just a slight difference :)

Speaking of hair, I'm at a loss what to do about Joshua's. He wants long hair. I'm fine with that, but in the meantime, what do I do? He's growing out a buzz cut. He has very thick hair. I've been trimming it around the back and around his ears, waiting for the top to get long, but this is just not a great look. He's got so much hair, it's starting to make his head look weird. Here's a couple of pictures, so you can maybe get the idea?

Ignore the dirty face please. You can see the shorter layers on top here.

In this outtake from our Christmas Eve picture you can see how thick his hair is, and how it's making his head look odd. Joshua is the one who wants long hair, and while I have no problem with it, I just don't know how to get there from here without a year of funny looking hair! And considering that his birthday is in 2 weeks, I'd like something decent looking for his 4 year pictures, that won't completely mean starting over. I think what I'm aiming for is something like these boys. (BTW - that's a good blog. She's got 7 kids, and still manages to stay sane!)

Anyway, any and all opinions welcome. On Woo's or my hair :) And I'm officially out of time for this entry, I've got to go get my big kids from school!

Sister

2010-01-01T17:15:00.000-06:00

This is Jes, my second to youngest sister. She just turned 21. We have a strange relationship - we're sisters, but we have no shared childhood to relate. I left home when she was 5, and only saw her a handful of times between then and last March when she moved in with us. We were, for all intents and purposes, strangers, really, who happen to be related. She lives on her own now, but it was an interesting few months, getting to know her. We have surprisingly similar backgrounds, despite being raised by different parents (she was raised by her father and step-mother. Technically we're half sisters, but I never think of it that way) including, unfortunately, some of the nastier things. While it does give us a platform from which to relate, I'd never have wished that on her.

Anyway, she's visiting right now. She's outside playing with Lexie, after she and I made cookies. We're planning on a Mario marathon at some point. I love having family I can enjoy having around. My kids absolutely adore her, and that feeling is more than mutual, I know. And I think Jes and I are making up for that missing childhood, because we both act like kids together. Which is much more of a stretch for me than her, I'll admit. Damn youngster. :) Tickle fights, and sighing over cute boys and lots of teasing. I have so much fun. So I'm going to end this now and go play with my sister :)

Happy New Year!

2009-12-31T23:15:00.000-06:00

This is why I know I'll have a Happy New Year. How could I not?

I hope you all have just as much to love, and make you happy.

and if you get the chance to bury someone in the snow...

you should take it!

The fat/skinny elephant in the room

2009-12-31T14:50:00.000-06:00

Arghh! I am NEVER going to get caught up at this rate! But at least it was for a good cause this time. I got to go to a friends house who I'd fallen out of contact with. We'd been friends since Lex was 2, she has a bunch of kids right around the same ages as mine, including a son with Aspergers, which was a great help when Christopher was diagnosed. Everything was great between us for the longest time, but the past year or so it seemed everything had fallen apart. Then a few days ago I got an email from her explaining it. As she put it;

"i feel uncomfortable having you see me because i am afraid you're going to be thinking the whole time about how fat i am. i KNOW in my rational mind that it's probably not what you'd be thinking but in my screwed up mind it's there. we were both fat together and neither cared and now you're very, very skinny but i am still very fat."

First off - she is not very fat. A little chubby, maybe. Nor am I very very skinny. Not by a long shot. Secondly, as I told her, the only time I even notice the way she looks is when I covet her clothes. She always has cuter clothes than me. Third, and most importantly - how much does this situation suck? This is a close friendship of years, one where we told each other everything, talked about all the important things in our lives. I trusted her with things I haven't told anyone else, and I know she told me personal, close things as well. I knew she was expecting her fourth child before her husband did!

But she couldn't talk to me about this. How important is weight in so many women's minds? I know how much it has impacted my life, my sense of self worth. The word fat is so often synonymous with disgusting, lazy, worthless. You see it and hear it all the time. It's still socially acceptable to make fun of and joke about weight. To make assumptions about a person's character based on the size of their ass. You see it in Hollywood, with typecasting. The fat man - the comic sidekick, the chubby girl, who's only the pretty girls friend, never the one who gets the guy.

You know what one of the very last things that made me choose to have weight loss surgery was? My daughter, in kindergarten, was already being questioned as to "why is your mom so fat?" It bothered her at 5. I didn't want to think about how she'd feel at 12, when it was no longer a question, but a pointed barb used to hurt, the way kids do.

And now this situation with my friend. There's just no winning. As much as I completely understand where she's coming from - and I DO, I do understand. I've been there, I've let my weight hold me back, keep me from doing so many things, I know what it's like to live with all those feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing due to the numbers on a scale, I'm also hurt. I'd thought she just didn't like me anymore, didn't want to be my friend anymore. And when I was there today, I was more self-conscious than I have ever been around her. I wore my bulkiest sweater, and tried to avoid any talk of food, weight, or anything that might be construed as such. I cringed when I mentioned that her dog had gotten chubby since the last time I saw her. When her husband came home from shopping and complimented me on the way I look (I haven't seen him in a year, probably - so it makes sense for him to comment), I got very nervous, and wished he'd just shut up before it offended my friend. So where do we go from here? How do you not let weight get between you, when it's everywhere you turn?

Let's talk books!

2009-12-30T21:34:00.000-06:00

You know what I got for Christmas? Books. Lots of books. Fourteen I think. And Amazon giftcards so I could get more books! This makes me a very happy girl. I've already finished 3 of the ones I got for Christmas. By ordering used books, I managed to stretch my giftcards to order 18 more. My bookshelves are groaning at the very thought.

I can't imagine owning a Kindle, or other digital reader. I love the feeling of a book in my hands, the sound of the pages, the way they look on the shelves. I love libraries and bookstores. The dusty smell of faraway lands and millions of words waiting to take me there. I always take a book into the bathtub with me... I'd be scared to take a $200 piece of computer equipment. And I love to loan books to people, to share things I love with people I like. That can't be done with a download. I'm sure digital media has it's place, but it's not for me.

So, I mostly got brain candy this go 'round. Authors like Laurell K. Hamilton, Kim Harrison, Janet Evanovich, Kasey Michaels, and Sophie Kinsella. I also got the newest book in the Outlander series, and a few by Wally Lamb. (which appear to be all 3 he's written according to that bio. Cool. I love owning complete collections!) The first 4 are all series, and I was finishing off what I didn't already own. Kinsella writes the Shopaholic series, which I hated, but I like some of her stand alone books, so I went with those. I absolutely LOVE the Outlander series, so I broke my rule of not usually getting hardback books and put her newest on my wishlist and got it for Christmas. Actually I ended up with quite a few hardback books from my wishlist - I didn't realize when I put them there that was what I'd chosen. I much prefer paperbacks. Cheaper, easier to hold, fit in my purse better... they're just better. But I'm not going to look a gift book in the mouth - or spine :)

I also got a couple true crime, and one called Give up the Ghost, which I read about on a website somewhere and thought looked interesting. I was right, it was. Lexie thinks it looks good too, but her reading level itsn't quite high enough yet to let her have at it. It would just frustrate her. Soon though.

So, tell me, what do you like to read? My wishlist is pretty much empty - give me ideas to start filling it back up! I'd rather read than breathe, so I need more books!

Snow Pics

2009-12-30T10:18:00.000-06:00

*I'm playing catch up with Holidailies, so there will be a couple posts a day for the next couple days!

My FIL and step father both love to take pictures, so I've got a few I didn't take of the snow, which means, I'm actually in some of them!

Retrospective

2009-12-29T21:30:00.000-06:00

Holidailies is allowing posts every 8 hours right now for those of us who need to catch up, and I'm taking advantage of it, since I am 2 posts behind.

There is a lot of reminiscing about the past decade across the internet right now, and it's making me think. Won, in particular, with her newest post. My first inclination is to say I've done very little in the past 10 years, but I'm sure that's not true of anyone. It's nearly impossible to remain static for that amount of time, I'd think. After giving it a few minutes thought, I realized that I've had some amazing changes in the past 10 years.

December 31st 1999 - I was still married to an abusive man, though living with S, having made my escape only 2 1/2 months before. I was still scared of my own shadow, utterly submissive, afraid that having an opinion of my own would only lead to pain. It would still be months before S was able to start coaxing that out of me.

Nobody called me Mommy. I'd wanted children my whole life, but had more or less given up on them. My ex was sterile, and with the life I was living, it wouldn't have been fair to bring a child into it anyway. It didn't make me want it any less, I just knew it wasn't a good idea and wasn't likely to happen. Of course, a new husband and new life can really change things. Lexie was born in May of 2001, on my 25th birthday. The very best birthday present I have ever had. Then Christopher, and Joshua. Learning to be a mother, that it's more than kisses and hugs and diaper changes. Having to face my own insecurities so as not to give them to my children, having my flaws stare me in the face every time I worry I've made the wrong decision. Fighting for them, and finding out that being strong for them makes me stronger for myself as well. Rediscovering joy and innocence and the beauty of life through their eyes, seeing a lot of the things I missed the first time around.

In December of 1999 I hadn't spoken to my family in over 2 years. When I finally did, I was so desperate to be loved and accepted that I didn't stand up to my mother at all, on anything. I accepted her word as truth, and prostrated myself before her, always apologizing. Now, I know better. I know that *I* am better than that. I refuse to let her make me feel guilty anymore for things that were not my fault, for her lies and half truths. I take what I can from the relationship and try to let the rest go. It's still a work in progress, but I have made incredible progress.

I've spent 9 1/2 of the past 10 years being a wife. Not always a good wife. That too has been a learning process. A growing and changing one. As S and I have evolved as people, our relationship has, by necessity, also evolved right along with us. From the skittish, nervous little girl who hid in the corner expecting the worst, to the more confident, opinionated me now. I had to learn what a healthy relationship felt like, that it was okay to trust, and how to recover when that trust is broken. How to be supportive, and be supported. That an argument doesn't mean fists, or that the relationship is over. How to depend on each other through hard times. None of that was something I came into this knowing. I think we've both gotten much better at it through the years, though I am sure there is always something new to learn as we both continue to grow.

So tonight, as 2009 draws near to a close, I am thinking more about where I've been, and who I've become in the last 10 years. I've come to the conclusion that I have done an amazing amount of learning, changing and growing in this decade. And that I think I like who I am becoming. My hope for the next decade is that I say the same thing in 10 more years.

December 29

2009-12-29T09:04:00.000-06:00

I think I have blog burnout. Which is really sad when you think of how many people update daily, or almost daily all the time. Maybe I just have commitment issues. Either way, I suck, I know.

It's hard getting back into the swing of things, being the only adult in the house again. I felt completely inundated yesterday. It's so much easier to get things done with other people to run interference with the shorties. It was obvious the kids were missing their sources of entertainment as well. All day long I kept having to stop what I was doing to fix, tie, untie, or find something. Put on gloves, help with this toy, get juice, play with me Mommy! I think I was ready for school to be back in session before it would have even been time to leave for the bus. Then, of course, I feel guilty. I've got it so easy - I get to stay home with my kids. I don't have to go out and work all day, then come home and try to fit in housework, dinner and quality time all in just a couple hours a day. I don't have all the stresses my husband does, having the support of a family of 5 on his shoulders. I may go insane when I haven't gotten to go to the bathroom by myself all day, or been able to finish a single thing without it taking 3 times as long as it should, and my only source of adult conversation may be the voices in my head, but would I really trade it for a world where I was gone all day and someone else was getting all the cuddles and smiles and laughter I get from these crazy little people? I don't think so.

Christmas Recap

2009-12-27T17:42:00.000-06:00

So, that was Christmas. And it was so much better than I had even dared to hope it would be. My in-laws visit went beautifully, Joshua spent lots and lots of time curled up in Grandpa's lap, Christopher warmed up to them quickly, and Lexie was all over Grandma as was expected. S had lots of good catch-up and reminiscing time with his parents, and I got along with them perfectly. The weather threw a small hitch in the game plan with a blizzard (yes, an official blizzard!) on Christmas Eve, which prevented my family from being able to get here on Christmas, but gave S his very first White Christmas, so it was a worthy trade-off.

Christmas day was wonderful, with lots of happiness, pancakes, giddy children, and playing in the snow. We held off on the official dinner, waiting until my family could get here, so Christmas dinner was leftover homemade ham and potato soup that my FIL had made the night before from a ham I had made on Tuesday. His is way better than mine, and after watching, I know why. Mine is the lowfat version compared to his. I remove all the fat before making stock, he keeps it in. He adds butter, I don't... you get the picture. So not good for you, but sooo good!

That night, during bedtime prayers, all 5 of us in the room, I got a little teary, realizing just how happy I was. I've had some rough Christmases, but this one was just so... right. As I said, I had everything I'd ever wanted for Christmas right there in that room. I am so blessed.

My mom, her husband and my sister were able to make it yesterday, although the roads still aren't completely clear. And miracle of miracles, my mother was... fine! She didn't do anything to embarrass me, or say anything out of line, or anything. The food all turned out delicious, and it was just a good day. S, his Dad, my stepfather, and Lexie went outside and built a great snowman. Lexie, my sister and I kicked butt (and got our butts kicked) on Super Mario Brothers.

And now everyone is gone back to their own homes, sent with lots of goodies from my kitchen :) And my house feels a little bit empty, even though I'm glad to get back to our regular life as well. But it was an amazing holiday. I couldn't have asked for better.

Almost Forgot!

2009-12-26T22:26:00.000-06:00

I can't believe I almost forgot to update for a 2nd day in a row. Tomorrow things should start to get back to normal. Until then, have a few more pictures to tide you over...

It's snowing!

2009-12-24T16:50:00.000-06:00

Christmas Meme

2009-12-23T20:51:00.001-06:00

Eggnog or hot chocolate? hot chocolate, but I only drink it maybe once a year.

Does Santa wrap the presents or leave them open under the tree? unwrapped.

Colored lights on a tree or white? Colored. White are boring.

Do you hang mistletoe? No.

When do you put your decorations up? We try to get the tree up the weekend after Thanksgiving, and the rest of the decorations shortly thereafter. It doesn't always work that way, but that's what we aim for.

What is your favorite holiday dish? Stuffing.

Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? The kids do. New pajamas, so they have something cute and Mommy approved to wear for the inevitable Christmas morning pictures. This year I bought them matching jammies :)

How do you decorate your Christmas tree? Colored lights, lots and lots of them. Usually garland, but not this year because we have kittens. Then a complete mishmash of homemade, plastic, and glass ornaments put wherever the kids happen to stick them, and rearranged as the month goes on when the cats get into them. It's not a fancy tree at all, but it's a very family friendly tree and I love it.

Snow: love it or hate it? It's really pretty falling, and looks really pretty on the grass and trees, but it makes travel in this state a NIGHTMARE. We are just not a state who knows how to deal with snow.

Can you ice skate? I have enough trouble walking. Ice skating would be well beyond me.

What is your favorite holiday dessert? Too many to choose from! I'm a sugar junkie.

What is your favorite holiday tradition? reading 'Ts the Night Before Christmas with the kids on Christmas Eve. It's one of the few I remember fondly from my childhood.

Candy canes: yum or yuck? They look good on a tree. And I like peppermint. But I'm not a big candy cane fan, really.

Favorite Christmas show? A Christmas Story. TBS is my friend, with their 24 hours straight of it.

Cheater Post

2009-12-22T21:49:00.000-06:00

This is my favorite part of the Christmas decorations. It's my village. I've been collecting new houses and pieces since 2002. The lighthouse in the upper right is my very favorite. It's a replica of the one on St. Simon's Island, GA, which is actually where S and I went on our honeymoon.

And here's our tree. We let the kids decorate it by themselves, with only kitty safe ornaments. I love it, it feels very cozy and friendly. I like the themed, fancy trees, but they feel so stiff and formal to me, just not something you'd find in my house.

Last but not least, my mantle

A nativity scene, a Santa my evil SIL made for us that the kids love, and the stocking I made a few years ago. The large picture is always there, it was painted by a man in a single hour at church one Easter.

So those are the decorations inside my house. I'll have to get some pictures of the ones outside. Happy Holidailies!

Random Thoughts

2009-12-21T21:10:00.000-06:00

I'm starting to think I may not actually make Holidailies. I just have no desire to sit at the computer right now. Too many other things I could be doing. Today I have deep cleaned my kitchen, made 2 batches of fudge, and a double batch of fruitcake cookies (which turned out to be a good thing, since they are apparently finicky little cookies that burn at the exact same time you cooked the last sheet at! so I lost 4 dozen.), did 3 loads of laundry, cleaned part of one bathroom (S cleaned the other part, and the other bathrooms, thank you Love!), and other assorted things. I just can't sit down.

Our kitty is missing. She's always been a bit of a rambler, so it took a good 24 hours for it to dawn on us - hey, has anyone seen Penelope? But it's been 5 days now, and she's still gone. I called the pound, and they haven't seen her. We're beginning to think she's not coming home. I hope we're wrong. We were having an issue with one of the cats (we have 4) using the bathmat as a litter box, but couldn't figure out which one. I thought it was one of the kittens, mad because we'd allowed them garage access, and then taken it away. I just kept the floor bare, because then it wasn't an issue. Lexie put a towel on the floor the other night, and I left it, just to see what happened. It stayed clean. I mentioned it to S, who put 2 and 2 together and realized that it very well could have been Penelope messing on the rug trying to tell us something was wrong, since it only stayed clean after she was gone. That thought hadn't even dawned on me, I was still thinking kitten - we'd given them back garage access through the cat door. But if that's the case, then she won't be coming home. And I feel really really guilty.

On to a less morbid thought - (and one that makes me feel like slightly less of a heartless monster) Damn, I can't think of one. Oh, I know. I just reread the Twilight series and I'm still irritated with Stefanie Meyer for the last half of Breaking Dawn. She does such a good job throughout the rest of the series of creating this whole world and really sucking you in, until then. It so obvious that she was rushing to finish, and she switched her writing style from show to tell. She can make it up to me by writing another book telling me all about Jacob's life. :) Yeah, I was team Jacob from the second book on. And the movie just solidified that, although I do feel like a complete perv finding a 17 year old boy attractive. My daughter is a complete and utter Edward fan, so we are a house divided. Luckily I'm older and therefore I win. Or can at least send her to her room to watch the movie so I don't have to. The movie version of Twilight sucked. New Moon was much better. And not just because of Jacob :)

My FIL just called. He and my MIL (who are divorced, but very close still. Strangely functional dysfunction in that family) are traveling this way and just stopped for the night. They have 8 hours or less drive time left, which should put them here mid-afternoon tomorrow. I'll be glad to see them, as will S. The kids, Lexie especially, are very excited. It's the first Christmas we will have had with them since 2001. I'm looking forward to it.

Okay, I'm sure I've babbled more than enough. I will try to post through this week, but at this point I make no promises.

Holiday Dinner

2009-12-20T16:00:00.000-06:00

No post yesterday. I just flat out didn't want to. Which is still okay by Holidailies rules. It's 20 posts in the 30 days, so I can afford to take a day off it I want to.

For the record, the truffles taste wayyyy better than they look. So much so that I've got a second batch in the fridge right now, cooling, for family only consumption. We only ended up with about 15 from the 1st try, and everyone loves them. So I'm doing it again. Half chocolate raspberry, half chocolate orange this time.

Today's prompt is a holiday food you wish would disappear. I can't think of one specifically, because we don't make anything we don't like. My mother's cooking at my house either on Christmas Eve, or Christmas - we're not sure yet because we forgot her husband doesn't actually have the 24th off. Here's our menu, as far as it stands right now:

turkey - I bought a 20lb bird yesterday. My mom does make good turkey, although I don't care a whole lot for it in general.
stuffing. The best thing on the table!
mashed potatoes & gravy. Gravy also goes on the stuffing. It's mandatory.
S's granny's macaroni and cheese. I'll be making this.
salad
green bean casserole (maybe?)
cornbread dressing (also a maybe. S's dad will be showing me how to make this quinessential southern dish I think, since I've never made it.)
cranberry sauce
black olives
pineapple
dinner rolls
pumpkin pie
pecan pie
S's granny's pound cake (I will also be making this)

I think that's everything. That seems like a lot of food for 10 people. Three of whom are children. One of which will not eat anything on that list. And one of whom is me, who has a very small capacity, comparably. (and I plan to use it all up on stuffing!) We'll have to see. I may invite all you over for leftovers!

Estranged

2009-12-18T19:56:00.000-06:00

I tried to call my father today. (for those who don't know this will help you catch up here.)

His number is disconnected, so I didn't talk to him. I have no clue what I would have said if he'd answered. I'm not even sure why I tried. I think I feel bad for him. It's got to be hard on him, this time of year, being estranged from both of his daughters. Knowing he has grandchildren who don't, and probably never will, know him.

My calling him isn't completely unprecedented. We've been in and out of contact over the past few years. And it's almost always like this. Something makes me feel guilty for keeping him out of my life, so I hunt him down, initiate contact. We talk or email off and on for a while. We've even seen each other a couple of times. But I just can't maintain it. See, he still denies, with every conversation, everything. And I still, even knowing I'll never get it, need him just once, to admit it, and accept responsibility for what he did to me. So after a few months the calls get fewer and further between, it takes me longer and longer to respond to emails, until finally we've lost contact again. I don't do it purposely. I really don't. But that's how it always happens.

I think part of me always hopes that this time he'll do it - he'll apologize, and be the Daddy I always wanted. I tell myself it will never happen. I know it will never happen. And at 33, I'm old enough not to need a Daddy anymore anyway. But it doesn't stop the wanting. And maybe this time of year makes it harder on me too. It is a time for family and togetherness, and I will never have the family I wish for. It makes me sad.

I do have an email address for him. I haven't decided if I want to try it. Knowing I have this pattern of getting closer and the backing away, would it even be fair to him? Believe it or not, I do still love him, and I don't want to cause him any pain. And assuming I decide that it's not unfair to him, would it really do me any good? Is there any real point? Sometimes hope is a futile emotion, and I really think this may be one of those times. So why keep trying?

But it is Christmas. And miracles do happen. And he is my father. The only one I get. Would it really do me any harm to find him, to send him pictures of his grandchildren? To tell him that I love him, in spite of everything? Don't I owe him that much at least? Why aren't there ever any easy answers?

Truffles!

2009-12-17T13:49:00.001-06:00

Eighty-ish chocolate raspberry truffles. Half with a milk chocolate coating, half with a white chocolate. Yes, they're messy. They're also really rich, creamy and yummy.

Here's how they'll look when I give them out:

So, since everything except the popcorn is ready to go, and the popcorn is going in it's own little bag, I went ahead and got everything ready tonight. I take back everything I said and/or thought about it not looking likemuch, or not being enough. It took me over 2 hours to wrap up individual portions of each thing! And that doesn't count the truffles, since they were already in their little paper cups.

I went from this:

to this:

(pictured; sugar cookie sandwiches)

to this:

Then I took another hour and sorted and wrapped them all into ready to go plates, bags, and bowls. Thirteen to be exact. Three big ones for teachers, and 10 smaller ones for neighbors and friends. So tomorrow, I pop the corn, mix it with chocolate, bag it up, and give it all away!! Then I get a couple days off from the kitchen. Of course, those days will be spent doing heavy duty, company's coming cleaning. And believe me, my kitchen needs it!

Sorry for 2 boring kitchen heavy posts in a row, but this is all I've been doing. I'll try to get something more interesting up tomorrow!

Cookies anyone?

2009-12-16T18:46:00.000-06:00

I took everything out of the freezer to thaw so I could start putting together the baskets for the teachers tomorrow, in time for Friday's delivery. Honestly, compared to how much it feels like I've made, it doesn't look like there's as much there as there should be. Then I remind myself how much everyone around here's been snacking on, and I don't feel so bad.

So... who's hungry?

From left to right:

sugar cookie sandwiches

chocolate chip, chocolate chip w/pecan (behind the first bag)

2 bags of chocolate peanut butter chip

8 mini loaves of zucchini bread

caramel pecan brownies

chocolate mint brownies

On the far right you can see tupperware with fudge (bottom), extra sugar cookies (white bowl) and then zucchini muffins. Those are for the family to eat. All the other stuff is for teachers and neighbors.

Tomorrow I make truffles. Hopefully. I've never tried it before, so I'm hoping they turn out well. Then on Friday morning, the chocolate popcorn. I'll be sure to take pictures of the finished product to put in here, since I've been making you all listen to me whine about this! Monday I'm making fruitcake cookies, Tuesday is more fudge - 2 flavors this time. Peanut butter cup and mint. And then Wednesday I'm making a pound cake. And then I. Am. Done. Baking.! And believe me, my jeans will thank me.

Christmas Traditions

2009-12-15T18:30:00.000-06:00

I've been reading a lot around the web about Christmas traditions passed down from generation to generation, and it makes me feel wistful and slightly jealous. I don't remember much about Christmases when I was a child, and of the things I do remember... well, I don't think Mommy getting depressed and crying every time you put the tree up is a tradition I want to pass on. I still have no idea why she did that.

My husbands family doesn't seem to have had very many set traditions, other than going dove hunting together, which is not really something we can do at this point. And something he'd enjoy a lot more with his brother and nephews involved anyway. A little difficult, since they're in Illinois, and we're here.

The few traditions we do remember we seem to have a hard time fitting in - S's family always watches Christmas Vacation, the past couple years we just haven't gotten around to it. We always read 'Twas The Night Before Christmas just before bed on Christmas Eve, my father reading it when I was young, then I read it to my youngest sisters until I left, but last year we couldn't even find our copy of the book here.

So we're working on making our own traditions. Things our children can carry on for their children, hopefully. New jammies for the kids, opened on Christmas Eve. This year I got them matching pajamas. I can't wait to take pictures of them all together in front of the tree. They'll look so cute, even though I know I won't get a single picture of them all looking at the camera at the same time. They each pick out a new ornament every year for the tree. And we'll try reading the book again, assuming we can find it this time. But I'd really like a few more. Nothing big, just something.... Something that when the kids are grown they can look back on with nostalgia and fondness, like I see so many others do.

So this is where I ask for your help... what sort of traditions do you keep in your family? Which ones do you think are most important? Which ones are you hoping to pass on to your kids? Help me give my children really good Christmas memories please!

Weighty Matters

2009-12-14T18:51:00.000-06:00

I think I've mentioned on here before that I've lost a lot of weight. Just about 190lbs to be specific. I did it through gastric bypass almost two years ago. Just as a visual (and because it's a kick in the pants for me to look at the difference) here's my before and after pictures.

Weight and weight loss is a funny thing though. I was a fat baby who grew into a chubby kid. One of my nicknames as a baby, according to my parents, was Pooh Bear, because my belly was as big as his. My mom still says you could have bounced me down the street. In school, I was always the fat kid. Having red hair and freckles didn't help any, but it was my weight that was the defining factor. It didn't get any better as I got older, the insults just got more inventive as kids vocabularies grew.

And home wasn't a refuge. My mother would always comment on how big my butt looked, or how unflattering my clothes were, or any other myriad of things. But she never bothered to teach me how to eat healthily. It wasn't that many years ago that I found out that pizza isn't a healthy food. Seriously. And she had her own food issues. When I was very young she weighed well over 300lbs herself, but lost most of it by the time I was 8 or so. I remember though, her starving herself, and periods of vomiting that would indicate some sort of bulimia, or other eating disorder.

Anyway... skipping ahead a decade or two... after I had the kids I found myself too big to play with them, too fat to take care of the house, and knowing that although I was fundamentally healthy then, I wouldn't be for long if I didn't do something soon. So, the bypass. And it's worked. I can run up and down stairs, I can jump on the trampoline with the kids, I can clean all day long (although I don't... I could if I wanted to!). And I'd be lying if I didn't say that the way I look isn't part of it. I look normal. I don't stand out in a crowd. But in my head, I'm still not normal.

I still feel like the fat kid. The girl walking down the street listening to the calls of "whale" and "hey fat girl! you better walk some more!" And I struggle with food all the damn time. I tell myself almost every day that I'm not going to screw up, that I'm going to stick to the things I should be eating, and avoid all the crap I know I shouldn't be. And almost every day I fail. And then I berate myself and call myself all the same names... after all, obviously everyone was right, right? If I can't even stay away from the cookies after having my intestines rerouted, risking gaining the weight back after everything I went through to lose it, I am nothing but a fat pig, right? I know better than that. I really do. But that's the track that plays in my head.

I don't know if I'm ever going to look in the mirror and like what I see. But I'd really like to sit in my head and be comfortable there. It's something I'm working on.

Sunday

2009-12-13T21:11:00.000-06:00

Yeah, it's late. I've got nothing. It's been a heck of a day. I'm not great at spending time online on the weekends to begin with, but this one's been even busier than usual. I spent over 2 hours cleaning the living room carpet yesterday. Helped S replace 2 light fixtures in the house. We moved Lexie's bedroom back upstairs, after moving her downstairs last week. Took the kids to see Santa, and got a really lousy picture. An unexpected doctor's visit, a long trip to the store... plus everything else I'd normally do on the weekend. And now I have to post. My poor brain just doesn't have a coherent thought in it.

I could post a picture of the holly bush in my front yard I took the other day. I have way too much fun with my macro lens.

Or maybe one of my baby pouting at me?

How about my daughter's goofy pose and bright blue eyes?

And... now my sister just called in tears and needs me to go pick her up so she can stay the night on my couch. So that's all you get. Cross your fingers for a calmer day tomorrow, okay?

Dear Santa

2009-12-12T19:40:00.000-06:00

Dear Santa,
   I know it's been a long time since I wrote you a letter. You probably didn't expect to hear from me this year either, but I have a few things on my list that I don't think even Amazon carries, so I figured it couldn't hurt to ask you. After all, you're the one who's supposed to be made of magic, right?

I want to be off the damn anti-depressants that steal my ability to cry, my sex drive, make me gain weight, and take away the highs, as well as the lows. But I want to be off them, without being in a hole. I'm tired of the world being a dark bleak place Santa. Maybe I just need a visit to the North Pole with you?

I really want to be a better mother. More patient, more loving, kinder, calmer, and more temperate. Slower to anger, more imaginative, less worried about the mess and more involved in their worlds. This might be a pretty big request. I hope you've got some really talented elves.

I would give anything for things to be easier for Christopher. I want him to not have to fight for everything. I don't want his life to be perfect, just not so hard all the time. As you know, he's such a special boy, he just needs a hand.

And while we're talking about my kids - do you think you could make them get along, just once in a while? They spend an awful lot of time screaming at each other. Actually - doing this one thing would go a long way in making me a better mother. It's a lot easier to be a calm, happy mom when there's less screaming.

Could you find S a new job, or make his manager move to Siberia or something? I'm not sure what exactly needs to happen, but he is really miserable in his work lately and when Daddy's not happy, nobody's happy!

Oh yes - could you lace our Christmas dinner with Xanax, or Fairy Dust, or whatever it's going to take to make my mother be human for this one? I'm scared. You know what she's like, and this is an important Christmas to me. My first one hosting, the first one where I'm the grown up, not just a kid. I'm not asking for a miracle, just 12 hours of not horrible behavior from her. Please?

And there are a few people I have met online lately who could really use a visit from you this year too Santa. I won't name names, but little girls having surgery, grown up girls with health issues, moms who've lost their children, people who've lost their jobs... the list goes on. Isn't there something in your bag for them too?

Well Santa, I think that about covers it. I've got lots of cookies and other yummy treats - and I'm not above bribery. You name it, I'll bake it. But I'm counting on you, so please don't let me down.

Hoping to have a Merry Christmas,
      Love
    Jennifer

Cookies and Kids

2009-12-11T19:16:00.000-06:00

Three pans of brownies, (mint, caramel pecan and plain) 22 1/2 dozen cookies, (chocolate chip, chocolate chip w/pecan and chocolate peanut butter chip) 20 muffins and 8 mini loaves of zucchini bread. That's the baking grand total for this week. Somehow it just doesn't seem like that much written there, but my freezer is getting perilously close to full, I've gone through 5lbs of flour, 5lbs of sugar, over 2lbs of butter and almost 2 dozen eggs, plus many other assorted ingredients. Only one batch of burned cookies, and only one small burn on me so far. This is impressive. I'm a klutz. Next week it's sugar cookies, chocolate covered popcorn, fruitcake cookies and truffles.

Okay, I'm all out of words for tonight, sorry. My brain is fried. Joshua has strep and was up from 1-4:30 last night with a fever, so I was, of course, up with him. I'm going to toss in the Christmas pictures I took of the kids and call this an entry.

Christmas Past and Present

2009-12-10T18:49:00.000-06:00

The Holidailies writing prompt for today is Home Alone. I saw it this morning and have been turning it over in my head all day. There are a few directions I could go with it. I guess that's the point of a prompt, to get you thinking, get your creative thought processes in gear. But see, I've been trying to stick to lighter subject matter. Ever since I ended up in that last hole, and had to wonder how much of it was the fact that I was opening up doors I'd kept closed for a long time in posts here.

But as much as I'd like to go the 'what I'd do with a day alone at home' route, that's just not where my head wants to go. So let's go ahead and expose a few more skeletons and hope for the best.

The year I was 16 I spent Christmas alone, away from home. I was in the psychiatric hospital I've talked about before. My mother, a single parent with 3 other children at home, made the 2 hour each way trip a few days before. She brought my presents for me to open, most of which I wasn't allowed to keep anyway. So she took them home with her. My father had been allowed to plea bargain on my abuse case shortly before Christmas, although I wouldn't find out about that for a while. Needless to say, he didn't come to visit me either.

I did make it home for the next Christmas. I'd learned what was expected of me, said what all the experts and doctors wanted to hear, and gotten out. But things at home were chaotic at best. I snuck out one time too many and ended up getting permanently kicked out of my mother's house a few days after Christmas. She slapped me across the face and called me a whore.

I spent the next 5 Christmases in varying states of sobriety, mostly trying to ignore the date. If I was high enough, it worked. One year Tony, my husband (at the time) was in jail, his mother bailed him out the day after Christmas. Another year we got a free tree on Christmas Eve from a lot that was closing down. I think that was the only time we ever had a tree. A church gave us gifts one time. That was the same year as the tree. I know the first year I spent it in tears, all day long, at some guy I didn't even know's house, while Tony was gone all day, trying to score.

Christmases since I've been with S have been completely different. Good. Family oriented, even before we had our own family. I've stopped dreading December. But this year... his Mom and Dad will be here, something I'm looking forward to. But so will my mother and her husband. And that, I'm not. I'm worried about how my mother will react to not being the center of attention. What she's going to do to embarrass me, how she's going to ruin things this time... she's got a track record of it. If we're lucky she'll find some excuse to not show. She's done that before too. And while I feel guilty for thinking this way about my own mother, I can't help it. So this year I'm just hoping that everyone else doesn't end up wishing they'd stayed Home Alone. And that's not the way I've come to enjoy feeling about Christmas.

Oddly Phobic

2009-12-09T11:11:00.000-06:00

Have I ever mentioned that I'm afraid of heights? I've always said it's a good thing I'm short, because I get dizzy standing on a kitchen chair and looking down. Movies do it all the time with those shots where the pan around looking down off tall buildings. Hate those. I have a two-story house and I never ever look over the bannister from the second floor. I'll throw laundry down, but I won't look.

So would you believe that on Sunday I was the one climbing on top of the garage hanging Christmas lights? Really! Look!

And here's one after that part was done so you can see where I was:

I was on the garage, on the right. See, my problem with heights (other than the fact that I always spell it wrong the first time and have to correct myself) isn't the up part. I can climb up anywhere. And I actually enjoy being up on things. I just have a small problem coming down. It took S a good 5-10 minutes to talk me off the roof. Literally :) Once it was time for me to come down I froze. I decided it was a much better idea to stay up there. Luckily we both know this is how it goes, so S knows how to talk me through it. And, obviously, I did come down. I find it kind of funny that I have no problem going up, even knowing I can't come down. I'm just odd.

So tell me - what weird ways do your phobias manifest? I can't be the only odd duck out here!

Not so secret family recipe

2009-12-08T09:25:00.000-06:00

I read through the Holidailies Portal yesterday and now I feel utterly inadequate. There are some amazingly talented writers there, and here I am posting grocery lists and pictures of my kids. But it takes more than being completely outclassed to make me quit, so you're still stuck with me.

Today's post, one of stunning literary ability is... my husband's chili recipe. :) But hey! I took pictures too. So I can compare badly to PW too! Vegetarians should probably get their hate mail pens ready.

The cast:

2lbs ground chuck

3lbs ground pork

1lg onion (already diced, in the tupperware)

3cans kidney beans

28oz diced tomatos

28oz crushed tomatos

14oz tomato sauce

4-5 bell peppers, assorted colors

not pictured - 1 whole tomato

(note - makes enough to feed small country)

Step 1

Convince husband that HE wants to do all the chopping.

(actually, he volunteered. Kind of.)

Isn't that pretty?

Meanwhile...

Brown the meat with the onion.

This will take at least 2 batches depending on the size of your pan. I have a really big pan.

Drain off the fat.

Spice Team!

Okay, sugar technically isn't a spice. Work with me here.

And yes, I already put the chili powder in when I remembered I needed to take the picture.

1/2 c chili powder

1 1/2 TBSP garlic powder

1/2 TBSP crushed red pepper

1-2 TBSP sugar

1 TBSP salt

(the paprika goes in later. I'm allergic.)

Dump everything into a large pot. Reserve a couple handfuls of the veggies for later.

Stir.

Good luck. It's thick. And very hard to stir. And I need a sturdier spoon.

Transfer into very full 6qt crock pot.

Cook for about 6 hours on low.

Taste mid afternoon. Add more chili powder or other spices if necessary.

(almost always is. I don't remember the last time I didn't add a little more chili powder)

Add in reserved veggies. Cook 1 more hour on high.

And it will look like this. Ignore the mess in the background. And the fact that I suck taking pictures.

Top with cheese. (or whatever. S eats his with cheese, sour cream and cornbread)

Eat.

Die happy.

S came up with this recipe after much trial and error (rosemary? in chili?) years ago. Every single person who has ever tried it has absolutely loved it. This version is not spicy at all. That's my fault. I'm allergic to paprika, and a complete wuss when it comes to any other spice. It has a full lovely chili flavor though. What happens at our house is about an hour before we eat, we take a medium sized pot's worth out of the crock pot where S adds paprika, Louisiana Hot Sauce, and a whole jalapeno. It spices it up nicely for him. I have no idea how much of what you'd have to add to make the whole batch hot. I'm sure you could cut the recipe to make a smaller batch, but it freezes well. I end up freezing it in individual servings, then I just pop them in the microwave straight from the freezer. That's if we manage to make it without my mother inviting herself over for dinner and leftovers. Anytime she hears we're making chili she comes over for dinner. So we try not to tell her we're making it :)

I'm too busy for a title....

2009-12-07T10:52:00.000-06:00

So here we go again. Daily posting. I can do this :) Actually I'm looking forward to it, although I still think I must be slightly crazy for signing up for something else to take up time right now. I wrote out my shopping list just for the baking I need to do in the next couple of week last night and it's scary. Seriously. Look!

That's just what I need to do the baking, and give it to 5 teachers and my neighbors. Crazy, isn't it? And it all has to be done a week from Friday. So, really, I should be at the store, instead of typing.

I did get the kids together to make the salt dough ornaments. That was fun. Kind of. The boys pooped out on us quicker than I expected. Luckily there's nothing on earth Lexie likes more than arts and crafts so she happily sat there painting ornaments.

A few of those will go with the baked goods as teacher gifts, and some are already on the tree. I kept having to convince Joshua that despite their appearance, the unpainted ornaments were not cookies. Guess it wasn't helpful that we cut them out with the same cutters that we do our sugar cookies with. We'll do those late next week, with frosting and sprinkles. Those, he can eat!

And lastly - something I'm going to try to do through this month of posting - a few small things I'm grateful for, or that make me happy. I spend a lot of time not paying attention to the little things in life, taking it for granted. So I'm going to try to pay attention here.

Central heat. It's 28 outside right now, and nice and toasty in my house.

My microwave. Every morning I eat oatmeal, and it's ready in under 3 minutes. Not to mention all the other things I heat in a hurry.

2-ply toilet paper. So soft and absorbent. And I get to throw it away when I'm done with it.

Hand lotion. Because central heat does have it's draw backs.

Happy Holidailies everyone!

I MUST be insane....

2009-12-03T11:41:00.000-06:00

Yes I Did.

You should too!

I typed this up elsewhere online last night, but then realized I should put it here as well - if only so I have an accessible copy of it!

I think I have come up with my holiday baking list...

For neighbors and teachers:

Chocolate truffles. Possibly with raspberry and or orange chocolate variations. (from PW's recipe)

Chocolate covered popcorn.

Brownies. Possibly with mint. Probably with fresh pecans from my mothers tree.

Sugar cookies. Or maybe mini zucchini bread. Just so there's something that isn't chocolate. Any votes?

And then, for home...

Chocolate chip cookies w/fresh pecans (by request of S.)
Fruitcake cookies. Which bear no resemblance whatsoever to fruitcake, thankfully, and are S's Granny's recipe.

My GreatGrandmother's sugar cookies. Which the kids then get to frost and decorate. It's messy as all heck, but a family tradtion and a lot of fun.

S's Granny's poundcake.

Peanut Butter Cup Fudge.

I'm never going to get to leave the kitchen again. Please have all mail forwarded to the counter next to the stove! And someone want to volunteer to take dictation so I can fulfill my posting duties while covered in chocolate and flour? :) I can pay you in taste testing privileges!

Christmas is coming.... And Mommy's getting stressed!

2009-12-02T14:39:00.000-06:00

I'm slowly getting into this whole Christmas thing this year. I put the tree up. It's still naked, but it's up. I hung lighted garland. And I put my village up. I realized that I haven't even begun to think about all the baking I need to do. Our entire neighborhood exchanges goodies, I need some for all the teachers at school, some for S to take to work, plus the stuff my family will want to eat... Then I scheduled a panic attack. It's for 3:00 next Saturday, when I'm up to my eyebrows in flour, chocolate chips and little helpers, if anyone feels like joining me. I bought paint and brushes, so I can make salt dough ornaments with my short people.

And, for the first time EVER, I'm hosting Christmas. This has me slightly panicky. I tried to convince S that I needed a pre-Christmas present of a maid service to deep clean the house for me, but I don't think he went for it. His mom and dad will be here on the 22nd. I don't think that gives me enough time to clean. I am a lousy housekeeper in the best of circumstances, which these past few weeks haven't been. You know that saying you could eat off the floor... well, you could probably eat for a good week off the food on my floor right now. Plus everything needs a good dusting, or scrubbing, or whatever it is I haven't done to it. And the carpets need to be... I was going to say cleaned, but realistically burned would be better. Unfortunately new flooring wasn't in Santa's budget anymore than a maid was, so cleaned will have to do. I'm guessing I'll find time for that in between my typical stuff like feeding the kids, running errands and whatnot plus all the baking, wrapping, decorating, ornament making, cleaning.... hmmm, looks like I'm giving up peeing. That's the only time I have left.

(she says as she sits on her lazy bum, typing on the computer. Hush, say I!)

You know what I can't find locally? Advent calendars. I decided on November 30th I wanted some. Nobody around here has even heard of the dang things. All I wanted was 3 cheesy little calendars with cheap waxy chocolate behind little cardboard doors for my kids. Nope. Guess I'll have to order them from Amazon next year. That requires pre-planning. Don't they know I suck at that?

Okay, must actually think about getting off the couch to go get the children from school. They tend to get grumpy if I neglect to do that.

November 30th!

2009-11-30T11:00:00.000-06:00

HOLY CATS! I did it! NaBloPoMo! Okay, so I had a little help. I outsourced 2 posts. :) And there were probably only 5 or 6 posts all month that I wrote that were really worth reading. But I did it! Next stop Blogathon? Don't hold your breath. But I've considered it....

Oh, I have to publicly thank My Life With Boys! Thanks to her link in my comments yesterday, I was able to get the kids matching jammies for cheap. So she gets the cookie. You rock MLWB!

I have a busy day today - getting back into the swing of things after the long weekend. So this is all you get. But I made it!! :) And I might not even post tomorrow!

29

2009-11-29T13:53:00.000-06:00

For the record I know how very lucky I am to have a husband like S. Although I think he must be slightly insane to not only put up with me, but to love me the way he does, I'm sure as heck not trying to talk him out of it!

Today marks the first day in weeks when I haven't felt like the world was crashing in on me. I actually woke up in a good mood! I guess the increase in meds is working. Although I'm still having nasty side effects from the doubled dose. Within a couple hours of taking them, I feel like I'm vibrating, I get anxious and antsy, then the headache and nausea kick in. It's lots of fun, I can tell you. But I know my body will adapt, and if it makes me feel like I might actually be capable of getting out of bed, then it's worth it. Now if I could just find my Christmas Spirit, I'd be good.

I did go up to the attic to bring down the boxes of decorations today, which is a good first step. Mainly because I needed to see if the new lights we bought matched the old lights we have for the outside of the house, which of course they don't. So I need to try and find the right kind. We didn't have enough to do the whole front of the house last year, and couldn't find anymore of the same ones, so we're trying to find them this year. So now I have 2 boxes to exchange. Oh yay. I was hoping to do it this afternoon, but that was before the med blah's kicked in. Now I'm not so sure I'm up for it. We'll see how I feel in a few hours.

One of my favorite decorations at Christmas time is my Village. You know, the little houses that light up? I've been collecting them since Lex was little, and I usually get a new house every year. This year we have 2 new kittens who climb everything and I'm very worried about putting it up. I'd hate for them to end up knocking something down and break it. I had that happen last time we had kittens and it broke my heart. And some of the pieces are irreplaceable. So I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it this year. I'm tempted to just not put it up at all.

Oh - and I realized I was wrong. I'm not done Christmas shopping. I still have to buy the kids Christmas Eve jammies. Every year they get new jammies that they get to open on Christmas Eve. It's been a tradition every single year since Lexie was born, and I forgot about it until Lexie reminded me! Bad mommy, no cookie! So I have to add that to my to do list too.

But right now I think the first thing on my list is to cuddle this boy sitting next to me who keeps giving me kisses. Kind of hard to resist that! Also makes it hard to type, so I'm out!

S's Guest Post

2009-11-28T14:36:00.000-06:00

Hmmm... Well, Jennifer has asked me to do a post for her. Problem is, as you probably guessed, I am not sure what to say. I am not a mommy, not female (obviously) and likely don't share as many commonalities with the readers here as comfort would hope. I guess the one thing we do have in common, though, is Jennifer herself...though I am pretty sure, or at least hope, that I am more familiar with her than those reading.

I could start off declaring her the best mother ever, or the best wife or even the best person. All of those things are subjective, though. I can say, with great certainty, however, that she is the best possible wife for me.
Believe it or not, I am not perfect. (I know. That's hard to believe...especially given her previous relationships.) I can be be stubborn, moody, hardheaded (even bullheaded) and the list goes on. In spite of me, though, she still loves me. She has often said that I deserve better than her. I can honestly say, without any concern of departing the truth, that I got the best end of this deal. She loves me...without condition, in spite of me...and, yes, in some ways because of me. And that is something that I question whether or not I deserve...or ever could.
For over 10 years now, I have gone to sleep every night with her cuddled up with me, and awakened to her lying next to me (unless she happened to get up before me, which is rare). For over 10 years, she has forgiven my failings and overlooked my shortcomings. She has loved me, for me.

When I look back over the nightmare that was much of her life, I am awestruck that she is even sane. That she can still love so wholly is nothing short of miraculous.
That I can not make all the negative of her past simply go away is my greatest torment. When I bought that ticket, 10 years, 1 month and 2 weeks ago, I knew I was "saving" her from something bad. Unfortunately, what I can "rescue" her from is limited to the outside. Though I assure you, were God to grant me the avenue, there is no demon that I would not face for her. For her, my wife, my love, the most loving and forgiving woman I have ever known.
And if I had to describe her with one word, that would be it...Love. Whatever her own shortcomings, whether as a wife or mother (and yes, there are very few), the one thing that is never absent is love. No matter how down, frustrated or agitated she may be...whether it is with me or the children...there is never an absence of love. And because of that, more than any other reason, she is a wonderful wife, a wonderful mother and a wonderful person.

She, of course, would disagree with my description of her. That's okay. That is part of who she is. Fortunately, I get to see her without having to peer through the dark glass of her past.

27

2009-11-27T14:28:00.000-06:00

Well heck. I was going to surprise Lexie with a trip to the theater to see New Moon, since she is a Twilight freak, but it's sold out all weekend. Guess I should have expected that, huh? Good thing I was keeping it a surprise, so I don't have a disappointed little girl here. Maybe next weekend will be slower.

Our Thanksgiving was good. Lowkey, and calm. The ham was yummy, and Christopher even TRIED A BITE!! This is such a huge deal. He eats hamburgers, peanut butter sandwiches, chicken nuggets, pizza, and cheese quesadillas for lunch and dinner. That's it. I was beyond thrilled. He ate the first bite, went back for a second, but had a hard time with that one. I asked him if he was done with the ham, and he said yes and spit it on his plate. I don't care. He TRIED a new food! Willingly! Go Bubby!

I also finished my Christmas shopping yesterday. Oh, okay. Almost finished. I still have my secret santa to buy for (for the record - if you read this secret person - you are HARD to buy for!) and I have to finish the calendars I make for the grandparents every year and order those. But otherwise, I. am. done.!

So when does everyone do the Christmas tree thing? Usually we do it this weekend, but I realized today that neither S or I has mentioned it. I'm having a hard time getting into the holiday spirit this year, and have very little interest in the whole tree and decorating rigmarole. I'd have no problems waiting a few more weeks before getting into all that, but then I feel guilty, knowing the kids love it. Either way, I don't think it's happening today, that's for sure!

Okay, there's a pecan pie out there calling my name. Only 3 more posts to go!! I hope everyone had a fantastic day yesterday, and a great weekend coming up!

26 - Giving Thanks

2009-11-26T13:53:00.000-06:00

Today, it's traditional in America to give thanks. I have so very very much to be thankful for.

My husband. Who loves me in spite of myself. He is always there for me, always supportive.

My children. They may drive me batty sometimes but they make life worth living. They are my heart.

My home. I know how blessed I am to have a warm, safe house with plenty of space for us and all of our assorted crap.

My health and the health of my family.

Kitties who snuggle and purr and wake me up kneading on my head at night. Although I could do without the kneading on my head part.

The smell of the ham cooking in the oven right now, and the anticipation of sitting down to share a good meal with the people I love most soon.

The knowledge that my children have never known true hunger.

The women I have met through this blog, the now defunct OHiH and SIP who are so wonderfully supportive and caring. Thank you all for being there for me! I hope you are all having a wonderful Thanksgiving yourselves.

25

2009-11-25T17:53:00.000-06:00

I have an excuse, really! First, I tackled the laundry - a job that took me most of the morning. Then, I had a command performance at my mother's today. I had to drive over 20 miles to pick up my sister, and then go to my mothers house. On the plus side I got pie. Obviously I'll go to great lengths for pie. Then, when I got home, S wanted to go out to eat. That's why my post is so late today!

So now we're finally home, the boys are on the computer together, and S and Lexie are watching some horror movie together. S is a scary movie freak, and he's turned our poor, sweet, innocent daughter into one as well. I personally am not much into the horror movies. Gore is nauseating. I don't like being scared. Nope, I just don't get it. Ooh, ewww. This one is starting off bad. I trust S not to show Lexie anything TOO much, but.... yuck.

What I think is funny is he lets her watch all the violence she wants, but makes her close her eyes, or changes the channel as soon as any mention of sex comes on. I think I'd rather she watched acts of love than hate, personally. Or...neither yet. She is only 8. But it might be too late for that. She begs to watch scary movies. And it's all S's fault! Although he did give up on that one - we're watching Darkness Falls now. Good thing Lex already knows the Tooth Fairy isn't real!

Speaking of movies - after watching a Ben10 episode the other day, Joshua told me he was going to beat me like a Whack-a-Mole. And I worry about the violence Lexie watches? Cartoons are way more violent. Just a lot less realistic, and not made to be scary.

Okay, I'm out for the night. I'll do my best to get in earlier tomorrow. Not that anyone will be online, but I feel guilty being late!

24

2009-11-24T10:02:00.000-06:00

Some things I want to remember -

Joshua, instead of calling it a doorbell, calls it a "dingbell."

Christopher, a few days ago put his shirt on backwards. He came to me and told me "my shirt took a wrong turn."

I have to go grocery shopping today. Oh joy. Luckily I can do it while 2/3 of my kids are at school, which makes it about 150% easier. Yeah, I know, the math doesn't add up, but it seldom does when it comes to kids. Today is the last day of school this week, so I have to get it done today. Oh heck. I have to go to Sam's after school.... since I have a command performance at my mother's tomorrow. Ew. Who's got the vodka? I'm going to need it!

I'm getting frustrated with the slow progress on getting Lexie evaluated for ADHD. I got the paperwork done for the doctor the beginning of the month, but they're still waiting on insurance. I haven't heard anything from the school. I'll contact them on Monday. I know, it's a bad time of year for this - lots of kids being eval'd. And the holidays. But I'm not good at patience.

Christopher's new IEP is coming along swimmingly though. I should be getting the second rough draft today, and the final meeting is on the 1st. Thank you SO much won and 'ssippi scoup for all your help and support with that. It amazes me how much they just gave me when I said "I want." Something I'd never done before.
Okay, time for food, and cleaning, and doing something productive. Hopefully I'll manage a more interesting post tomorrow.

23

2009-11-23T13:55:00.000-06:00

One week to go! I can't believe I've made it this far!

I've sat here for at least 5 minutes now staring at the blinky cursor waiting for inspiration to strike. Hmmm. Okay, cop-out time!

5 Things Meme

5 Things I was Doing 10 years Ago
1.living in Louisiana
2. I discoved the internet in '99 via WebTV
3. met some crazy guy there who bought me a bus ticket
4. ran away in the middle of the night via Greyhound bus
5. moved to Oklahoma

5 Things On My To-Do List Today:
1. Doctor appointment
2. take Christopher to school
3. NaBloPoMo
4. IComLeavWe
5. I don't know... maybe feed the kids or something. They might like that

5 Snacks I Love:
1.Oreos. Even though I shouldn't
2. Wheat Thins Fiber Select Multigrain crackers
3. Ritz crackers w/ cream cheese
4. shaved ham
5. EAS protein bars. Especially the chocolate mint ones.

5 Things I Would Do If I Were A Millionaire:

1.worry a lot less about money

2.give a lot more to charity

3. pay off all of our debt and cut up all of our credit cards

4. afford a babysitter so I could actually go on a date with my husband in the first time in over 2 years

5.give money to certain members of our families. And secretly to a few people I know online.

*bonus #6! Figure out why I can't get #1 to not be in bold! :)

5 Jobs I’ve Had:
1.housekeeper at a hotel
2.movie theater concessions stand
3.in and outbound telemarketing
4. dancer at an adult entertainment club
5. Stay at home mom

5 People I Tag:
Angel

Erin
Jeanette
CPTWife
Janice

22

2009-11-22T07:00:00.001-06:00

First - thank you to everyone who commented on Lex's entry yesterday. She loved writing it, and reading the comments. I predict it won't be long before she's bugging me to set her up with her very own blog. It amazes me how quickly today's generation grows into this kind of thing.

For today, I figured I'd tackle a deeper topic, just for the heck of it. I've mentioned self injury on this blog before, but not really talked about it.

Growing up, I wasn't allowed to be angry. Not outwardly at least. Any signs of anger were immediately punished. So I learned not to be angry. Other negative emotions weren't exactly welcomed around my house either. I was put on Prozac at 13. I remember telling my therapist that I just chose not to feel. It was easier that way. It was somewhere around this time that a boy I knew, trying to prove he was all big and bad, cut himself with a razor in front of me. Not ever one to be daunted, I grabbed it from him and did the same. I still remember distinctly the feel of the blade, the fact that there was really very little pain - that it felt good to have that control. It impressed the hell out that boy too, but that was beside the point by then. It was my reaction that I was interested in, not his.

I bought my own pack of razor blades shortly thereafter. I started small. The tips of my fingers. The backs of my fingers. Until someone noticed. I said a cat had scratched me, and could see the skepticism on their face. I was more careful after that. Only small cuts, only when I couldn't stand the build up of emotion anymore, and only where I could hide the evidence. In times of really severe stress I would bite my fingers and knuckles, but people generally didn't notice that. I managed to never break the skin. Until at 16 I was sent to a psychiatric inpatient hospital. On Orcas Island, where I grew up, I was the only one who was doing this kind of thing. In the hospital, I was surrounded by it. Hell, I was a baby by SI (self injury) standards in the hospital.

There was one girl, who had tried to kill herself by stabbing herself in the stomach with a kitchen knife. But it was a paring knife, so it only hurt, and made her bleed. She said she knew what to do different next time. There was Amber, who pulled out all her eyelashes, and had scars on her legs that read bitch and hate and fuck you and worthless mixed in with the more utilitarian straight and jagged scars she'd done with razors, knives... anything she could find. And Holly. Who had more scars than skin. Her arms, her legs, her belly... She'd cut herself so much so often you could barely see her skin anymore. And you couldn't give her anything metal. Staples, pens, a notebook with a spiral binding, nothing. She would tear it apart and insert it deep into herself. She hated herself more than I could fathom. Her stepfather had been raping her since she was a child and had given her pelvic inflammatory disease, and she'd recently found out that she'd been made sterile for life because of it.

These are just three of the stories there. There were many more. Cabe with his letters written in blood, Callie, a victim of Satanic Ritual Abuse at the hands of her father, my roomate for the first few days, whose name I don't even remember anymore, who, at the age of 11 was a strawberry (someone who trades sex for drugs)... an entire locked ward of damaged kids. And in I come with my few little cuts, and my knuckles chewed raw from the stress of the drive to the hospital, my own history of abuse and my naivete. Within the first 2 weeks I'd learned more about how to hurt myself than I'd ever thought about back on the island.

When you're committed against your will (at least in the mid-90's), you're only allowed to be held for up to 2 weeks without a court hearing to determine whether or not you're a danger to yourself or others. I was 1 day away from that hearing, from being released, when my roommate and I got a hold of a plastic ruler. So what? Well, when everything else you own is on lock down, you'd be amazed how much damage you can do to yourself with a broken piece of plastic. I managed to carve up both arms. I did it high up on my arms, where I thought I'd be safe. I always had been before. I didn't realize that before taking you to court they'd do a full body search, especially if you came in chewed up and marked up. I earned myself an automatic 180 with that. (180 days committal - they could keep me locked up for a full 6 months without another court date)

The last time I cut myself I was 17. I was out of the hospital, living in a halfway house. I broke a lightbulb in my closet, and sliced up both lower arms, pretty badly. I still have scarring, 16 years later. At the time I had over 100 cuts on each arm. The ones you can still see are the ones that should have been stitched, but the staff at the house was fed up by my acting out and refused to take me to the hospital. Instead they started the process to have me readmitted to an inpatient facility. That was the end for me. I was tired of being passed around and decided to play the game so I could be released. It worked, and I was was out about 4 months later. And on the streets of Seattle, shooting drugs, living on a mattress under a bridge, set on an entirely different, but no less destructive lifestyle just a few months after that.

That all changed in my early 20's. I've been clean since I was 22. Met S when I was 23, moved to Oklahoma, and have had an amazing life. But even now, I have a hard time dealing with negative emotions. I lack healthy coping skills. No, I don't cut. But sometimes, when I get really stressed, when I realized that my antidepressants need to be adjusted, I get the urge. It's insidious. I remember the feeling of release, of relief. That feeling of having control over the emotions, and wish I could have that again. But I know it's not healthy. And I won't do it. I talk to S, call my doctor, adjust what needs to be adjusted. And it goes away.

So, that's my history with SI - I hope that if you have someone who has issues with it in your life, maybe it has helped you understand them a little better. If you're having trouble with with it yourself, please feel free to contact me. I understand. Email is in my profile.

day 21 - guest post by Lexie Updated

2009-11-21T12:07:00.001-06:00

Hi my name Lexie and I want to talk about my mom. She is very nice, caring, and most of all very loving. Some times she gets stressed with one 8 year old one 5 year old and one 3 year old so I get that. I am very! very! very! happy that I have her for a mom. I don"t know what I would do with out her! Me and my brothers love her very much. She is fun to play with too.

*ed note - I asked Lex to guest post for me today - handed her the computer and let her have at it. I did correct spelling and spacing (you can all say thank you now), but the words are hers. After reading, I asked her what she wanted. She said "nothing!" Paused. And then said "except for McDonalds for lunch". Little manipulator. She's not getting it though. Takes wayyyyy more kissing up than that!

*UPDATE *3:30 - She got McDonalds. I'm a sucker. :)

20

2009-11-20T11:07:00.000-06:00

A random list of things I do not like :

head colds
chalk. Even just the thought of it makes my teeth hurt.
sauerkraut
the word moist pertaining to anything other than food
dog slobber
seams in my socks
people who are rude
people with entitlement issues
the fact that yummy calorie free food doesn't exist
teething. I don't care that my kids are done teething. It still sucks.
the pause button. Well, actually, Christopher's addiction to the pause button. Every other second he pauses the darn t.v. I'd like to smack whoever taught him that.
depression
people leaving me voicemail when it's not necessary. If I know you - Mother - I will call you back. If I don't know you, feel free to leave a message.
moths. Creepy little things. shudder
anything with too many eyes. Or eyes in the wrong place. That's just not right.
the sound of clapping, snapping, or any other sharp noise like that. Applause is okay, because lots of hands make it not a sharp noise. Yes, I'm weird
also the sound of fingernails on pretty much any hard surface. Makes me cringe. Do not like.
boys who pee all over the bathroom. Okay, I still like the boys. Don't like the pee. Whose bright idea was it for little boys to pee standing up?
the fact that my zucchini didn't pollinate this summer. I thought ANYONE could grow zucchini!
okra
hummus
liars

Things I do like

my husband telling me to stay in bed this morning and get some extra sleep, because he's got the kids for me this time. Thank you Love!
The boys who pee all over the bathroom. Who are playing with each other and acting out a movie together right now
My little girl who left for school this morning with no arguing or fussing at all!
The fact that I'm in the homestretch of NaBloPoMo!

19

2009-11-19T14:54:00.000-06:00

Another day, another post. I can't believe there are people who post every single day, all the time. Obviously they live way more interesting lives than I do.

Right now the most interesting thing around here is that Lexie finally got to go to school for the first time this week. We are the house with typhoid again. Okay, maybe not typhoid, but something not so fun. Stuffy head, fever, headache, body aches, nasty cough... if I didn't know better I'd say we had the flu! I tried to get in for a swabbing, just to find out, but my doctor is booked up until Monday. Lex has missed 3 days this week, S is home for the 2nd full day today, plus he came home early on Tuesday. I'm coming down with it today. The boys so far are illness free, but I harbor no illusions on that front. I'm scheduling Clorox baths for everyone!

So, Thanksgiving is a week from today. We're not having a traditional dinner here. The past few years we've gone to my mother's house, but she moved earlier this year to a much smaller house (so my sister couldn't move in with her - seriously) and so she said they don't have room. I offered my house, but we have cats that she is allergic to, although the severity of her allergy seems to change depending on how inconvenienced she is or how much she wants to be here at the time. She said she just couldn't handle it. So, it's just the 5 of us at our house, and my mother, her husband, my sister, and .... apparently a couple of guys from her husband's work. Although she doesn't have room for company. Oh well, whatever.

Anyway! As I was saying! Non-traditional dinner. I'm the only one in the house who really loves turkey, and there is no sense in cooking one, so we're having ham. Which is also fine by me, since I love ham too. I will miss the stuffing... but there's always Christmas! I'm making S's grandmother's mac&cheese, which I think is nasty, but he of course adores. My mom is making me a pecan pie, which is very nice of her. But I'm not sure what else we should have. Any suggestions?

Oh! Angel over at Emily Makes Three gave me something so sweet today! And a perfect day for it too... a day where I'm whiny and complaining, Angel gives me a heartfelt blogger award! Thank you so much Angel.

The rules..

* Display the award logo.
* Nominate up to 3 blogs that make you feel comfy or warm inside.
* Link to your nominees.
* Let them know they have been nominated by commenting.
* Link to the person from whom you received the award.

I choose:

Shana

Heather

and Dawn

November 18th

2009-11-18T07:00:00.002-06:00

This is a familiar picture if you've ever been here before. It's over there on the right. Today I wanted to make sure you paid a little more attention to it. Today, I'd like for you to go to won's blog and give her some extra kind thoughts. It's a very hard day for her.

Wendy is an amazing woman. A survivor herself, of things no woman should have to go through, she then went through every mother's nightmare. Her life has been anything but easy, and yet she still reaches out to help people. When I posted about my issues with Christopher's school, Wendy offered up her phone number, her advice, and her shoulder to lean on, almost as soon as I had the post written. She's always there with a kind word and gentle encouragement. I don't know that I could be that strong.

I never got to meet Olivia. I've only gotten to know her through the words of a besotted and still grieving mother. A mother who will never stop loving or missing her daughter. And that's how it should be. Wendy is an example of motherhood, the way I want to be. When she tells stories of Olivia's life, her love for her little girl shines through. And makes me wish I had the chance to meet this amazing young lady who wanted to change the world with a dollar, with the sweet smile, and heart that was just too big for this world.

And there are no words I can say to help ease Wendy's pain. There aren't any in any language. But I can reassure a hurting mother that her child will not be forgotten. So I sat down with my computer last night, and showed my own daughter Olivia's pictures, and told her some of Olivia's stories. She was full of questions I couldn't answer, like what Olivia's favorite subject in school was, and her favorite flavor of ice cream. Then she drew a picture and I lit some candles for Olivia.

Olivia Grace - your Mommy misses you, and the world is a dimmer place without you.

17

2009-11-17T13:58:00.000-06:00

I have absolutely nothing to post about today. Lexie is home sick for the 2nd day, S came home early sick as well (and yet he's in the weight room working out. I can't decide, is that obsession, dedication, or lunacy?), and I'd actually for the first time this month forgotten about NaBloPoMo until about 5 minutes ago. They both want my attention. My house is a mess. And apparently whiny is contagious, because I've sure got it!

So how about I slap up a few pictures and call this an entry? Here's a really cute little Lexie. She was 3, and in her RenFaire Princess costume for Halloween.

And here's a very cute 2 year old Christopher. I love this picture of him.

How about this one of Lexie reading to Christopher? Everybody's a critic!

Baby Joshy in his exersaucer -

And one more - Lex and Joshua. I love the look on her face in this one. So content. She's going to grow up to be a good mommy. She is a baby fiend already!

Okay- I've fulfilled my duties for the day, even if I feel like I totally cheated. Nobody ever said I had to post real content every day, right?

16

2009-11-16T12:12:00.001-06:00

click to make bigger

My dear and darling husband sent me this today in an email that just said - take notes. Okay, well then, let's take some notes!

I see right off the bat that I'm going to have some problems. I don't even own any heels. Or a dress. S doesn't wear a suit. We're going to have to go shopping. I'm okay with that. I don't think S is going to like the suit though. Or trading in our 3 kids for the 2 in the picture. But this was his idea.

Next - dinner. OH. You mean I have to cook? If you say so. And you want it to be ready when S gets home? But he doesn't even EAT when he gets home. He does his workout. Did he even read this thing before he sent it to me?

Prepare myself - make-up and ribbons in my hair. I don't think I've worn a ribbon since I was 6. I'll see if Lex has one I can borrow. And the next line wants me to be a little gay. Is that still politically correct? Well, it would be interesting! And if my husband has had a boring day, by Jove, I'll spice it up for him! Who wants to volunteer to come and help? Hmm, I might have to add a few things to that shopping trip....

Clear away the clutter? Have these people ever seen my house? It's nothing but clutter. I do not have time to both cook and clean. Build a fire? And all of it done before S gets home. They want the kids clean and QUIET? Little treasures?? Are they smoking crack? I'm starting to think the people who wrote this article have never actually been in a house with children. Or possessions. Or beds without restraints.

Greet him with a smile. Finally! Something I can do. Hey, I even kiss him. Hah! Take that crazy article writers!

Oh come on now! This is just getting ridiculous. S's topics of conversation are not more important than mine. He would tell you that himself. And if I have to have dinner waiting for him when he gets home, you bet your buttons I'm going to complain if he's late. And I don't care if every computer in his network crashes and the entire data center burns down... if he stays out all night, I'm going to be one ticked off wife. (taking notes S?)

I don't need to take off his shoes - he's got the kids trained to do that for him. I guess I can get him a pillow... but I reserve the right to hit him over the head with it.

Oh - wait, I see. A good wife knows her place. And I know mine. I'm the domestic engineer. That means all these decisions fall to me, so I can say to hell with it all!

Cereal and toast for dinner, dust bunnies everywhere, noisy kids rushing daddy at the door when he gets home, me, sitting on the couch in my jeans, ribbonless, leaning up for my kiss, telling him that his kids are driving me crazy before asking how his day was. All 5 of us loving each other, loving our crazy imperfect life. And I don't think S would change it either.

15

2009-11-15T13:29:00.000-06:00

Cold and rainy outside today. Perfect day for snuggling in front of a fire, or curling up in bed with a good book. Unfortunately it's impossible to convince small children of that. Mine, anyway. They are little balls of boundless energy and need. Mommy, you be bad spiderman? Mommy, will you paint my nails? Mommy, can I have food? Mommy, watch me dance! Mommy, help me with my Power Ranger costume? Mommy, can I watch Ice Age? Mommy? Mommy?? Mommy!!

Growing up all I ever wanted was to be a Mommy. Oh, I wanted to be a ballerina, an interior decorator, a teacher, a singer... but under and over and in between every other dream, I wanted to be a mother. And I am. I have these 3 amazing little people who call me Mommy. Sometimes, often, I worry that I'm not doing a very good job. After all, it's not like I had a good role model. But I try. I love them, with all my heart. And I know them better than anyone else on this earth. I could identify them by just the curve of Christopher's shoulder, the sound of Lexie's giggle, the scent of Joshua's neck. I know who eats what, which one still needs help in the bathroom, the way to motivate each child to do which task, and how not to. Until they change the rules on me again. But I keep learning as they keep growing.

And they do keep growing. Faster and faster. From tiny infants to tipsy toddlers to solid little kids. And sooner than I'll be ready for they'll be grown. And I'll no longer be the one who knows them best. I can't really imagine that yet, but I know it will happen. That there will be someone else who knows the way Joshua likes his pork cooked, or the way Lexie prefers to keep her sock drawer. That somebody else will know that curve of Christopher's shoulder as well as - or better than I do.

But not today. Today they are still mine. So I'll fix the costume, paint the nails, make the lunch, and sneak in a few cuddles here and there. And hope when they're grown they know I loved them with all my heart. I know I make mistakes. I know there are a million things I could do better every day. But I couldn't love them more if I tried. They are my heart.

14 and SSS

2009-11-14T13:30:00.000-06:00

Wow! I have to thank you all SO much for all the support yesterday. You are an amazing bunch of people.

This NaBloPoMo thing is hard! Oh, wait!! It's Saturday! I have an easy out. It's Super Snapshot Saturday! I love you Angel :) Today's theme is funny. I've got a good one for this if S will let me post it...

Head on over to Angel's blog to join in and show off your own funny pictures, and to see what everyone else is posting today!

Joshua loves to play dress up, and he was Batman. He decided S needed to be the joker...

November 13th

2009-11-13T08:25:00.000-06:00

Today is my mother's birthday. Well. Maybe. You never know anything for sure with my mom. I have a very complicated relationship with my mother. And what better way to celebrate her birthday than by telling the entire internet!

The first thing I have to tell you is that I do love my mother. And I believe she loves me, in whatever capacity she is capable of. That being said...

I don't remember feeling loved as a child by my mother. A burden, an annoyance, a possession, a disappointment, an enemy, sure. Now, granted, I've spoken here before about my lack of memories from my childhood, so there could very easily be many many good things in my past that I just don't have access to. I'm not discounting that possibility. But the memories I do have - being in 4th grade, coming home excited about getting an A on a spelling test, and her telling me to stop fishing for compliments. Being put in charge of my 3 year old sister when I was 9 for the hours after school until my mother got home from work, including picking her up from daycare, and being yelled at for not getting the house cleaned. Being called a slut when I was still a virgin. Repeatedly. Until I decided I may as well earn the damn title. Having to skip days of high school to stay home to take care of my youngest 2 sisters, or trying to attend class with an 18 month old and a 4 month old.

Now - to be fair - the childcare duties were mostly so my mother could work to support us. Four children and very little or no child support makes it very hard. But I was a kid. And I was a messed up kid already, thanks to my father. So it's no wonder I started acting out.

Another thing about my mother - she is a compulsive liar. About everything. Little things that don't matter to anyone. Like her birthday. Growing up, her birthday was June 13th. According to her driver's license it still is. But according to my mother, she got some paperwork from her sister a number of years ago claiming it was a mistake of her birth certificate, and her birthday is actually November 13th. So that's when we celebrate it. And big things that hurt people very badly. Like the one my sister and I grew up believing about my sister being a twin. According to my mother, my sister A was a twin, born early, weighing just over 2lbs. Our "sister" weighed even less, lived 3 days. Every year on A's birthday my mother would make a show of being brave, of celebrating while mourning. Only one small problem. There was no twin. A wasn't born early. I remember seeing her in the hospital nursery, a healthy baby, and we have a picture of me holding her at 2 weeks old, and she is obviously no preemie. It's taken A most of her adult life to come to grips with the fact that she is not a twin - a fact that she'd always accepted as part of who she was.

And then there's the one where my mother told me I was the cause of her losing custody of my 2 youngest sisters. When in reality she willingly gave them to their father. And then couldn't get them back because she chose to stay married to an abusive man. But to this day, she still claims it was because of me. The thing about my mothers lies is we've come to the realization that she believes them. On some level, she's convinced herself of their veracity.

When I was 16 I ended up inpatient at a psychiatric hospital for 3 months. I made it home for 2, and then went back in for 6. (Remind me to tell you all those stories sometime if you're interested.) Within 4 months of getting home - I was kicked out of my mother's house. I was 17. I didn't talk to her for a year or so - got back into contact with her, then she moved and I had no idea how to find her. When I was 23 I tracked down my ex-stepfather, my youngest sister's father, and through them, found her.

In the years since it's been tumultuous at best. Having my children calmed her. I have something she wants now. Kind of. Grandchildren are sweet, and great in pictures, but noisy and messy and inconvenient if dealt with too often in person. There was a 3 or 4 month period in there where my mother didn't speak to me because she found out I was speaking to my father. I've learned how I'm expected to act - I'm to be grateful for everything she ever did for me. At all times. And I must apologize at least 2 or 3 times a year for all the hell I put her through as a troubled teen. She still holds that against me. Even though I was a child. Two years ago she actually moved here to be closer to me and my children. She calls me every day. Every single day. If I don't answer I had better have an acceptable reason. Being busy isn't acceptable - then I just have to call her back. And I have to hear, at least weekly, if not more frequently, my failings as a mother, all the ways in which I'm not strict enough, doing it wrong, and how she did it better. How much better my kids would act if they were hers. Then she'll tell me I'm a good mother. And that she's proud of me. But I don't believe her. How can I?

But - for all that. I love my mother. I think she has some serious psychiatric issues, yes. But I do love her, and I do think she loves me, as much as she is capable of. I just wish her brand of love didn't come with barbs.

12

2009-11-12T11:25:00.000-06:00

Total cheater post today. I'll give you a real one tomorrow, I promise.

As an antidote to my sappy post from yesterday...

click to make bigger

Day 11

2009-11-11T09:58:00.001-06:00

I don't think I've told the story of how S and I met yet, have I? *digs through archive, thankful it's still short* oops, yes I have. Hmmm. Well there goes my idea for today's post. Oh I know!! I'll tell you how we ended up married. That'll work!

Okay - so y'all know how I was living in LA (that would be Louisiana, not California), and S bought me a bus ticket and I ran away from my abusive ex in the middle of the night and all that. I got here, and we just really clicked. We both kind of thought we would, but we'd left that open. Our main goal was to get me out of the situation I'd been in, and somewhere safe.

I got here in October. October 18th, 1999 to be exact. I don't remember the exact date, but it was less than a month later that we both admitted we loved each other, and wanted this to last. Talk about a heady moment! It wasn't very long after that that we were both a little more than tipsy one night after playing darts (S was in a dart league when I met him - best player on the team by far!) in the backseat of the car on the way home. I cuddled into him and said "you know I'm going to love you forever?" he responded "you know I'm going to marry you." His wasn't a question, it was a statement and it scared the pants off me. Well, not literally, his stepfather was driving, but you know what I mean!

I was still in the process of divorcing my first husband. My mother had been married 3, or was it 4? times. None of them had been any good. I'd had friends in abusive relationships, toxic marriages, friends whose parents had divorced in all sorts of horrible ways. My own experience with marriage had been anything but positive. As far as I was concerned marriage was nothing but trouble. WHY would S want to ruin a perfectly good relationship with something like that?

Because he's a good, Christian, traditional southern boy, that's why. As far as he's concerned, if you love someone, you make it official. So if I wasn't willing to marry him, he just didn't see a longterm future for us. I fussed and complained and whined. I accused him of coercion and blackmail and all sorts of things. But he is really stubborn. So I agreed to marry him. But I still hold it over his head. It's all his fault. :) And... that night in the car? Closest I ever got to a proposal. I wasn't asked to marry him, I was TOLD I was going to marry him.

All told, it didn't take him that long. We were married July 1st 2000. Once I agreed, he wasted no time in planning the wedding. We got married in Gatlinburg, TN because the laws in OK wouldn't let us get married country version of Vegas, and shortly after the ceremony we were walking around and someone stopped us and asked if we were newlyweds, and I so proudly answered "Yes!" - and got us sucked into a 20 minute spiel on timeshares! S still hasn't let me live that down.

I just was, and am, happy to be married to him. He's shown me that not all marriages are bad - they don't all end in pain and sorrow. We've been together for more than 10 years, married for 9 now, and I can honestly say we have had 3 bad fights. That's it. We have small arguements, and we fuss at each other. But we talk, and work things out and don't let petty things take precedence over the important stuff. I still maintain we could have done all this without that piece of paper, but it was important to him, and now it's a part of who I am. I am S's wife, just as much as I am my mother's daughter, or my children's mother. It's part of my identity, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Ten

2009-11-10T12:31:00.000-06:00

I owe today's post to won, who came to my rescue when I was inspirationless! Thank you won!

I present to you - NaBloPoMo day 10, the numbers edition.

1,056,758,400 - how old I am. In seconds. Which is now wrong, since it took me more than a second to write that sentence.

14,775 - days my dear and darling S has been alive.

1391 - number of days S has been spoiling our youngest son rotten. Coincidentally, also the number of days since Joshua was born.

7 years, 5 months, 20 days - approximately how long I changed diapers. Straight. Every single day. I really wasn't thinking about that when I planned child spacing.

11 months, 22 days - approximately how long it's been since I changed a diaper!! Yay potty training!

316 weeks - Christopher's age! Wow, I'm glad they don't expect you to actually keep track of that past the first few.

8 years, 5 months, 25 days - how long it's been since I've slept through the night. That would be since the day Lexie was born, also known as my 25th birthday. It was a busy day.

45 - days until Christmas! And my in-laws get here 4 days before that! I'd better start cleaning now!

14 years, 2 months, 9 days - until Joshy turns 18. Of course, he'll still be in high school then, and not ready to move out.

47 years, 8 months, 3 days - how old I'll be when Joshy turns 18.

192- days left in this school year, counting weekends.

188 - pounds I've lost.

2- pounds I found over Halloween.

4- kitties we have in the house. Did I mention I'm allergic to cats?

0 - number of turkeys I plan to cook on Thanksgiving. We're having ham.

46 - number of books on my wishlist right now. I love books!! I used to be able to read at least a book a day, before I had children and discovered the internet. Now I'm lucky to get through 3 a week.

27million - loads of laundry I have done since having children. Approximately. Give or take a million.

7148 - pictures I have taken with my camera in the past 2 years. Just that camera - that doesn't count the other camera. I like to take pictures!

5 - minutes until I have to take Christopher to school

0 - people who are at all interested in this post :)

Nine

2009-11-09T13:43:00.000-06:00

It's Monday again. I got NOTHING accomplished this weekend. Well, the kids are still alive, and fed. I guess that's something. But other than that? Nope. I didn't even put the mountain of laundry up yesterday the way I normally do, which meant digging clothes out and throwing then in the dryer for S for work this morning. Oh wait - I did cut the boys nails, which is no big deal for Joshua, but for Christopher means a huge production, with me sitting on him, holding him down. That should count for something, right? And I spent a LOT of time watching my favorite website self-destruct. That was... interesting I guess. Sad, and painful, and horrifying, and confusing as well. I hope everyone involved is able to move on with grace and peace and hope.

But now it's a new week. Joshy had a doctor's appointment this morning - a long over-due well child check. He is HUGE! He's 95%ile for weight, and off the charts on height. No big surprise there, though. When we go to take Christopher to school, he blends right in to the class of 5 year olds - you'd never guess he's not even 4 yet. He got one shot, and everything else checked out perfectly. Except his speech, which we already knew about - he's got serious mush mouth issues. I'm the only one who can understand most of what he says. I'm working on getting him into speech therapy, which is why the appointment today. He needed that last vax to get caught up. S actually told him at one point yesterday "I'm sorry, but you're going to have to go talk to Mommy - you don't speak English!" Which is both funny, and a little sad.

Well heck - I had more to this entry, really I did, but I had to take Christopher to school, and now I can't remember where I was going with this... Oh well. I promised to post every day, I never said it would be interesting. I'll try to do better tomorrow!

Day 8

2009-11-08T12:33:00.000-06:00

Lexie chose to make chocolate chip muffins yesterday. We used the same basic recipe as the Pumpkin Spice muffins I made a few weeks back, with a chocolate cake mix instead of a spice cake, and they turned out good! You really can't taste the pumpkin, although you can tell there's something there. I let her do pretty much all the work herself, while I took pictures. Ignore the bright red hair, it's spray in color. I buy some after Halloween every year for her to play with.

Then she abandoned me for the beaters... and I finished the baking. I'll be kind and not show the picture of what she ended up looking like AFTER she was done getting every last drop of chocolate off. There's a reason we tell her she's a slob you know.

Day 7

2009-11-07T15:22:00.000-06:00

One whole week!! Only 3 more to go. *headdesk*

Remind me never to complain about comments again. Y'all are a bunch of commenting fools, and I love it. Funny how many of us admit to being comment wh*res! I'll make it a point to make more comments myself too.

OH! I can't believe I forgot! Shana gave me a blog award! Lookie lookie lookie! She says I ooze awesomness. Now personally I'm against oozing anything, but for Shana, I'll do it. Just this once.

The rules state that I get to pass this along to 15 other newly discovered blogs that I love. Should any of you choose to accept this mission…post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the blogger to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

Of course Shana already stole a bunch of the new blogs I read, since we found them through the same place, but I'll do my best. Now these are not new blogs, just new, or somewhat new to me. Or ones I think you should read. Or something. The thing they all have in common is they are written by women I find inspiring in one way or another.

Today is also....

Angel hosts this blog carnival! I've missed the past couple weeks, but I'm here this week! The theme is users choice. So let's see what I can find...

This first one is special to me because I so rarely get a picture of my boys together. The past week they have spent a lot of time really playing together. Not just in the same room, but with each other. It's a big deal around here.

This one kind of captures what was going on - Joshua was spinning in circles outside, soaking up the sun and warmth. The joy he was radiating was so much fun to watch.

Okay... I think that's about enough for today. This post has taken me half the day and I promised Lexie I'd go bake something with her. I'll have to go find out what she's picked! Maybe that'll be my post for tomorrow!

Day 6 and Yes I Did!

2009-11-06T10:40:00.000-06:00

Yay it's Friday! Weekend is coming and I have built in content for today. It's a win all the way around!

I did feed my daughter mozzarella sticks and green beans for dinner one night this week. It was all she wanted, and I was just not in the mood to argue about it with her! In my defense, I did insist on the green beans. If she'd had her way it would have been just the cheese sticks!

I did make my husband post a comment on my last entry. When I went to bed there weren't any comments, so I told him he had to write one! I'm such a commentwh*re :)

I did stifle a sigh of relief when the library didn't have any Power Rangers movies in when it was time to exchange our current ones for new ones. Of course, then Joshy picked Bakugans, which doesn't seem to be much better, save the really cheesy acting.

I did eat so dang much Halloween candy that I had a major crash on Tuesday. Headache, nausea, sudden nap, the whole thing. So I did cut myself off, and haven't had a bit of sugar since. Too bad I had to hit that point first though. I don't think I'll ever learn. I do admit I'm a sugar addict!

I did tell Christopher that the Ben10 watch he wants isn't available in the stores, so he's going to have to ask Santa for it. So now I do hear multiple times a day "Santa has...." insert Ben10 toy of choice. It would be annoying if it weren't so cute. He really believes that Santa has every Ben10 toy in creation. I just hope he doesn't think he's going to get them ALL at Christmas. I also think he believes that this watch he wants is actually going to let him turn into an alien. He's not going to like it when he realizes it doesn't! Reality just sucks sometimes, doesn't it?

So that's what I did this week!! To find out what everyone else has been up to, and admit the great, and not so great things you've been doing head on over to Jeanette's!

Day 5

2009-11-05T13:41:00.002-06:00

I'm going to try something new today. It's a photo project called FOAM. It originated here with a woman named Betsy, but I found it through Nance at Dysfunction Junction. Now, standard disclaimer - I am so not a photographer. But I'm trying to get better!

FOAM stands for Food, Outside, Abstract, Myself. I had the hardest time with the myself portion, and ended up cheating, and using a picture that is a couple weeks old. I promise next time to use a new one! But anyway - here is my first attempt.
(oh and in case you didn't know - you can always click the pictures here to get a full size version!)

My food is cinnamon sugar pumpkin seeds. They didn't turn out the way I thought they would. They're sticky!

Outside is one of three white roses still blooming in my backyard. Obviously they haven't gotten the memo that it's November!

Abstract is the pattern in the glass on my front door.

And myself - well, like I said, I cheated. It's a picture of Joshua and I playing on the floor. But it's one of the few pictures of me that I like!

Other than this, not a whole lot going on here today, getting paperwork and emails sent to get things scheduled and worked on for the big kids. Playing with Joshua, and diligently trying to ignore this weird Bakugans thing he's watching, again. Lexie has Girl Scouts tonight. I really need to mop the kitchen... anyone want to come do that for me? I'll pay you in leftover Halloween candy!

Day 4

2009-11-04T12:09:00.000-06:00

First - I usually respond to comments in the comments. Does anyone actually read them? I realized that I almost never go back to read comments after I leave a comment, and so I may be wasting my time responding in there.

So, I talked a lot about Christopher after parent teacher conferences. But I have two children in school. What about the other one? I'm finally ready to talk about it, and this next list, taken from this page should give you an idea where our heads are.

What are some of the red flags or warning signs that parents and teachers should be aware of related to girls and ADHD?

Difficulty maintaining and shifting focus

Easily distracted

Disorganized and “messy”

Forgetful

Difficulty completing tasks

Daydreamy

Slow to process information and directions (It may even appear that they aren’t hearing you)

Careless

Often late (poor time management)

Hyper-talkative

Verbally impulsive (blurts out, interrupts others)

Easily upset, over-reactive

I went into her conference knowing she'd been having some issues with not completing her work, and excessive talking, and walked out completely floored. Our smart, capable girl is barely passing 3rd grade. She actually is failing one subject. In every category involving getting work done, or personal responsibility, she is below grade level. I had no idea things were anywhere near that bad. Her teacher is not the one who suggested ADHD. She has actually been pretty much no help at all. The following week I sent an email requesting a weekly update from her on Lex - if she'd been getting work done in class, following directions, the whole list of things she's having trouble with and was basically blown off by the teacher. It was that day, in talking to my mother about Lex, wondering how in the world you teach personal responsibility and listening skills that I said - "she's just so flighty all the time, almost like she has ADD or something." Which flipped the switch in my head. I thought I remembered reading that ADHD presents differently in girls than it does in boys, so I started researching. The above list was the first thing I found.

It's like someone set out to write a list of Lexie. I read it over the phone to my mom and she was as amazed as I was. Since then I've done a lot more research, gotten the school involved, and have started the process for getting her evaluated and formally diagnosed. According to the diagnostic criteria I've read, there's no way she won't be diagnosed. It says a minimum of 6 behaviors - I count at least 12. For 6 a minimum of 6 months, this has been her whole life. Affecting 2 areas of her life - it's seriously affecting her school work, and she is constantly in trouble at home for it. And honestly, I'm relieved. It explains SO MUCH. All the years of her losing everything. Of never being able to finish any task. The fact that she still cries so easily over everything. The state of her room. - she can't keep it clean no matter how hard she tries. That she's not stopped talking since the day she learned how. (You just THINK I'm joking. I'm not.) We are planning to not medicate at this time. We want to try behavior modification and organizational strategies first. I won't rule out medication forever, but there's absolutely no reason for it to be the first thing we try.

So - anyone out there with experience here? What should I be doing? What shouldn't I be doing? I'll take any advice you've got. This one is all new to me. We're going to have to tell Lexie what's going on here soon - any words of wisdom on that one? Really I think she's going to be okay with it. We've always told her that Christopher's brain is just wired differently, but that it doesn't make him better or worse than anyone else, just different. So she's already got that in place - that everyone's brains work differently. Can we just stick with that?

My gorgeous little girl. I wish I could make life easy for her. But that's never been a Mommy's job. Just to love them through it all. And that I do.

Day 3

2009-11-03T09:07:00.000-06:00

Day three of NaBloPoMo and I'm already out of ideas. This can't be good. Makes the next 27 loom rather large and daunting. Well, I still have a few cheap tricks up my sleeve, but I was hoping to save those for later in the month. I really thought I could provide actual content for at least a week! So let's see what happens if I just start typing...

The boys are watching Wall-E right now. I like this movie. Wall-E and Eve are so sweet together. And Eve kicks butt. What's even better right this minute though, is both boys are sitting calmly watching. Not fighting, or yelling, or demanding things of me. I'd so kiss the people at Disney for this!

I made the decision over the weekend to go back up to the full dose of my Effexor. I realized that I had NO patience with anyone, was stressing about everything, and was just basically not doing well on the half dose. Of course, it was not an easy, or fun decision. I cried. Which only reinforced the fact that I need the damn things. Don't get me wrong, I am very glad AD's exist, and I never look down on anyone for needing to be on them. But for me, I hate it. I feel broken. I was really hoping I was ready to come off, but... not yet. I'll give it a try later down the road. So I've been back on the full dose for 2 days now, and am waiting to feel less anxious, stressed, and sad.

On a more cheerful note, S and I have made so much progress on Christmas shopping! The kids gifts from us are done, gifts for our parents and my sister who will all be at our house for Christmas are all almost done. I still need to make calendars for three sets of Grandparents, and the kids need to get them gifts. We haven't even started figuring out what we're getting for each other though, and I have yet to convince the kids to write Santa letters. Hmmm, written out like that it doesn't feel like we've made as much progress as I thought we had. So much for cheerful. Bah humbug.

We can't decide what to do about a Christmas tree this year. We have a fake tree we set up for a few years, but both prefer the look of a real one. The problem is we like to get the tree Thanksgiving weekend. A cut tree just doesn't make it to Christmas. S wants to get a live potted tree, and then plant it in the yard. But I like BIG Christmas trees, and the live ones are usually only 4-ish feet tall. So I don't know what we're going to end up doing. I think I'm leaning towards the fake one in the attic. S wants to look for a tree farm where we might be able to dig up a live one that would be bigger. Maybe I should put up a poll here and leave it up to you guys to decide!

Why does my cat carry around her catnip stuffed mouse and YOWL? She does all the time. Is there something about the mouse I should know? She won't bring it to me to play with her. She just sits in the middle of the room with it in her mouth yelling. Strange cat.

Okay, I think I've babbled long enough to bore you all to sleep. Let me open the floor to you... any questions for me? Anything! You ask, I'll answer. I need posting material :) Anything you'd like to see pictures of? Any topics you'd like my opinion on? I'll take whatever you've got! (S - I know you read, so this means you too!) For now I have to figure out to be home for a phone call, and go to the library at the same time.... I'm thinking I'm going to end up owing the library a quarter for a late fee today!

November 2nd

2009-11-02T10:01:00.000-06:00

The pictures were all recovered! You have no idea how happy that made me. Actually, most of you probably do, seeing as you all take digital pics too. So that's mostly what you're going to get in this post. I have a busy day ahead of me. S has the day off, so we're running lots of errands, plus the usual cleaning, and school, and I'm working on getting Christopher's new IEP off the ground, and and some other stuff for Lexie. But, it's NaBloPoMo! and I must post. And while you're at it check out Jeanette and Angel, they're NaBlo-ing too :)

So, first, a few pumpkin carving pictures -

Hmmm... seems the lit up pictures are on the other camera. You'll have to wait until later to see those. Good thing I don't have ads, so it doesn't look like I'm doing it for clicks!

And now the Halloween pictures!

Joshua being the Red Power Ranger. He had so much fun, although he couldn't wear his glasses, so I worried all night long that he was going to trip, since he couldn't see.

Christopher as Scooby Doo. He was the most enthused about ToTing. He would have happily kept going all night long given the opportunity.

Lexie being either a Skele-Rocker, PunkRock Skeleton, or Skele-Punk, depending on when you asked her. Whichever answer you got, she had fun with it. It was the first year she didn't dress up as a bride or princess.

And all three of my favorite short people together. (Yes there is a hair continuity issue. The picture of Lex by herself was taken on the 29th, actually, when she went to her Girl Scouts party, but it turned out better than the ones I took of her by herself on actual Halloween) I sure do love these guys!

November 1st

2009-11-01T09:39:00.001-06:00

Day one of NaBloPoMo, and I have to start off by telling you that I am an idiot. Luckily it doesn't seem my idiocy is irreparable.

We had a good day yesterday, carved 4 pumpkins, and the kids went Trick or Treating. I had a "punk skeleton", Scooby Doo, and the Red Power Ranger. They had a fantastic time. I, of course, took a lot of pictures. We came home, did the annual hype the kids on candy thing, and I downloaded the pictures. Or so I thought. (See my fancy foreshadowing there?) The pictures on the camera didn't automatically delete as they're programmed to, but that happens sometimes. So I manually deleted them. All of them. Without checking to make sure they'd downloaded. I'm sure you see where this is going...

It downloaded some of the pictures. About half of the pumpkin carving pics. None taken after that. So none of the finished pumpkins, including Lexie, with her very first "carved it all by myself!" vampire pumpkin. And even worse, no Skele-Punk. No Scooby, No Power Ranger. I almost cried when I realized this. Luckily S is much more computer savvy than I am, and immediately started looking for a recovery program. I just grabbed the camera and the kids and went out front to take more pictures! (No - not with the same memory card! I'm not doing anything to risk the pictures that might be on that card until we have done everything possible to retrieve them.) The good news is lots of recovery programs exist, and from the scans we've done, the pictures are still there, and recoverable. So that's what I am working on now.

But that's why you're not getting the post I planned for today. Because I am an idiot. Hopefully tomorrow's post will be the pictures from yesterday that I had planned for today.

Yes I Did Friday!

2009-10-30T09:33:00.000-05:00

It is Friday, right? I've had one of those weeks where the days all blend together and it's felt like it should have been Friday for at least 3 days now... but it never was. I'm hoping I've actually got it right today. If not, I quit.

As Jeanette says... Do something you shouldn't have this week and not feel a bit bad about it? Or how about something you are so proud of, you can't wait to share? Well you've come to the right place! Friday is the day to own the bright and not so bright things you did this week!

I did encourage my husband to spend way too much money on Christmas gifts for our extended family yesterday, as well as buying two new Wii games as family gifts for Christmas as well. Now I feel guilty and stressed about the money. But dudes - I get Super Mario Brothers!!

I did spend the first half of the week grumpy and snappy with my husband due to feeling unsupported. But we did get it worked out very easily once we sat down and talked. I DO love the fact that we have such a great relationship that that is as bad as it ever gets between us.

I did go to Kindergarten on Monday! I actually spent the afternoon in class with Christopher to have a better idea what's going on with him and it gave me some much needed insight as to exactly what he needs, and where he is.

I did promise Lexie I would cut her hair this weekend. I am already sad about this. But it's her hair! I will take pictures!

And I did do this....

I'm not sure if this was a bright, or not so bright idea, but I did it! And you should do it too! You can do it here. And I'm sure I will be looking for ideas, so if you have any questions for me, or anything you want to see... please feel free to hit me with them! Otherwise you may end up with pictorial tours of the contents of my pantry. And nobody wants that.

You Capture Autumn

2009-10-29T16:11:00.000-05:00

I'm finally taking the plunge and joining in You Capture. Now, like I have said, I am NOT a real photographer, and know nothing about photoshop, or any of those other programs, so you're just getting the picture I took. But I love fall, so I had to go out and take some photos for this one!

This is Lexie and her "prettiest leaf." I love the colors of the leaves in fall.

I love the sound of the leaves as I walk through them, the way they crunch under my feet.

I have no idea what kind of tree this is, I don't think it's actually a pine, because it does change colors. It's gorgeous right now.

Another "I don't know what this is." It grows on the base of the oak tree in our front yard, and was nice and green all summer long. A few weeks ago it started changing and is so vibrant now.

Pumpkins on my table waiting to be carved!

So there you have it - my first You Capture. I know a TON of very talented people participate, so you should head over and check out the rest of the submissions.

Meme Tuesday?

2009-10-27T09:40:00.001-05:00

Sorry, didn't mean to dump such a heavy post on you and then disappear! It's been a very chaotic around here, S ended up working all weekend, we had my mom and her husband over for another birthday celebration for Christopher, Lexie had a sleepover that ended up being much more stressful that I'd anticipated, and I went to Kindergarten yesterday. As well as working on a new plan for Christopher at school, and just the usual, keeping the kids alive, trying not to be buried under laundry (I'm telling you - nudists have got the right idea. I bet the whole no-clothes movement was started by someone tired of doing laundry!) and the rest of the day to day stuff.

So - since my brain is all tied up with all things education right now, how about one of those getting to know me type memes for now?

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you. Lexie! She was born on my 25th birthday. Great present. Lousy way to spend my birthday. Fourteen hours of labor followed by an emergency c-section.

2. Where was your first kiss? My very first kiss, just a peck on the lips, was in 4th grade, and under the wooden walkway to the gym. With a boy named Jasper McSlarrow. He was chewing mint gum. My first real kiss was on my bed, when I was 13.

3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property? Nope.

4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? Yes. But not seriously. I tried once with my ex, but it didn't work - he was bigger than I was.

5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? Depends on what you consider large. I was in choir and drama in high school, and also involved in the only theater Orcas Island had. I played Wendy in the production of Peter Pan, which required singing. So, yeah, kind of :)

6. What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex? eyes and lips

7. What really turns you on? Oh yeah, like I'm gonna talk about that HERE!

8. What do you order at Starbucks? I've never been to one.

9. What is your biggest mistake? I have to choose one? In my life now, I would say letting my insecurities take over.

10. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? Yes. I attempted suicide 4 times between the ages of 13 and 16. I was a cutter for years in my teens. I haven't done it since I was 17. I was also a serious drug addict until I was 22, which I used to say just looked like a more fun way to die.

11. Say something totally random about yourself. I'm wearing my husband's bathrobe right now. He's a foot taller and 100lbs heavier than me. It doesn't fit very well!

12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? Nope!

13. Do you still watch kiddie movies or TV shows? All day long, but not because I want to! Although I will admit to liking a lot of the Disney/Pixar and Dreamworks movies that come out now... the first 12 times I see them!

14. Did you have braces? No

15. Are you comfortable with your height? I'd like to be a few inches taller. I'm almost 5'3". It sucks not being able to reach things on the top shelf at the grocery store without asking for help!

16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the preferred sex has done for you? Well, S bought me a bus ticket and invited me to move in with him, never having met me to get me away from my ex - does that count?

17. When do you know its love? When you realize you want to wake up in bed every morning for the rest of your life with that person - not for sex, but just to be with them.

18. Do you speak any other languages? Not with any fluency. I know a few words and phrases in Spanish.

19. Have you ever been to a tanning salon? Nope! I would just burn and peel. I am very fair skinned.

20. What magazines do you read? None. Magazines seem like a waste of time to me, since I read so fast.

21. Have you ever ridden in a limo? Nope.

22. Has anyone you were really close to passed away? No. Both of S's grandmother's have passed since we've been together, but that's been my only real experience with death.

23. Do you watch MTV? Never.

24. What's something that really annoys you? clicking/clapping/tapping. It drills into my head. Applause doesn't, but when one or two people are clapping? Arrrgggh!

25. What's something you really like? The way my kids necks smell.

26. Do you like Michael Jackson? No. A couple of his songs were good, but he was a serious mental case.

27. Can you dance? I have NO rhythm.

28. What's the latest you have ever stayed up? Nine days straight - with a very short (half hour-ish nap) and then I don't even remember how many more days straight after that.

29. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? Yes. Four times for the aforementioned suicide attempts, and once when I was 14, I caught a viral infection in my lungs (I'm an asthmatic), and had to be med-flighted off the Island to the nearest hospital. My right lung actually collapsed, and they had to resuscitate me 2(or 3- I forget!) times in the helicopter on the way to the hospital.

30. Do you actually read these when other people fill them out? Of course!

31. Tag 5 people! I'm going to tag 7. So there. My Life With Boys, Heather in Texas, Bella, Jeanette, Angel, Shana, and Kay! C'mon, dish on all the minutia of your lives! I'm nosy.

Christopher and my angst. Read at your own risk.

2009-10-23T20:39:00.000-05:00

As I'm sure I have said before, Christopher has classic autism, although his is pretty mild. He is very verbal, although he didn't talk at all until he was 2, and not in any meaningful way until closer to 3. He got some speech therapy through EI at 2, aged out, and has been in the school system since the day he turned 3. Half day special ed pre-school, 5 days a week. Speech, OT. He's currently in a mainstream kindergarten class with a para, receiving speech. OT hasn't been set up yet, but is on the table.

But we aren't sure what's going to happen. He's losing ground, compared to where he was last year in the special ed preschool - he participated in all the activities there, circle time, centers, you know, the typical group things they expect of kids this age. He's not doing any of that now. Part of it is his para - she's not pushing him to participate. With Christopher, if you don't push him, he's content to do nothing. And the special ed coordinator seems to really want him to move back to the other school - out of this one. When I said I wasn't sure this placement was working for him, the look of relief on her face was instantaneous, and obvious.

I'll be honest, I'm spoiled. Every single teacher C has ever had has adored him. So this was an odd feeling for me, to feel like he's not wanted here. But it's making me think. This is a typical classroom, with typical teachers, and typical kids. They aren't used to dealing with kids with issues. Maybe this isn't the right place for him. It's obvious to me that as of yet, he's not getting what he needs from them. He needs someone who's going to push him, challenge him, not baby him and coddle him. He needs people who aren't afraid of the fact that he's autistic.

And is it really fair to the other kids in the class? Making him participate is going to result in some tantrums at first. Especially since he's been allowed to NOT participate for so long. Which will be disruptive. What about the other 21 kids in the class? Is it fair to them to make them have to deal with that, just to keep him in a mainstream classroom?

We mainstreamed him for 2 reasons. the first and biggest is because Christopher NEEDS peer modeling of social skills. As an autistic, his biggest deficit is his social abilities. Staying in a classroom with other, mostly more autistic children, he won't have that positive peer modeling. He won't be able to watch and learn how typical kids interact.

The other reason was because his last teacher really thought it was the best place for him. Both for the above reason, and academically. Which brings me to another point. He's developmentally behind there too. I mean, according to his teacher, it's not insurmountable, it's not like he's "a 2 year old in a class of 5 year olds" like I thought he was. But I feel so defeated when they send home the weekly homework, and he can't do it. This week, it's rhymes. And for the life of me, I can't seem to figure out how to get him to make the connection what a rhyme is. And he hates being read to. Do you know how much of kindergarten involves reading? I mean, really!

I'm at a loss here. I don't know what to do. Going back to the other school (which is a special ed specific school) is something I am more than willing to consider if it's the right thing for him. I just don't know what the right thing is. I know children don't come with a manual, but dammit, I wish he did. It seems all the decisions I make for Christopher are bigger, and harder and more important than for Lexie or Joshua. I know, they're not - at least not more important, but it sure feels that way.

In part at least because he can't tell me if I'm doing it right. I worry about where he's going to end up in life. More than anything. You know how when you're pregnant, and they're tiny you try to envision their lives? Well I have one real hope for C. I want him to find someone who loves him for him. Someone to share his life with - we aren't meant to go through life alone. But for that to happen, he's going to have to reach the point where he wants someone in his life. And I don't know if I see that happening. Which is part of why we want him around other kids. We want him to learn to make friends.

When Lexie (who is a social butterfly) has the neighborhood come pounding through the house, as they so often do, Christopher often doesn't even notice they're there... Well, actually, I'm sure he notices. He pays attention to everything and is constantly surprising us with the things he knows. But it makes no impact on him that the house is full of noisy rambunctious kids. He has no desire to be a part of it. And that's okay. But I'd like for him to have a friend eventually. Or to want to have one.

Anyway... back to the school issue. After a long talk with his teacher and the special ed coordinator last night, we've decided to try it for another month. But we're going to crack down on him. No more letting him get away with not being involved. I know he's capable of so much more than he's been giving them, and I want him to reach his full potential. I even told them I am more than willing to come to school with him and sit with him every day to make him do it. There's nothing I won't do for him. For any of my kids. I just wish I knew that this was the right thing.

It's Friday!

2009-10-23T12:53:00.002-05:00

It's Friday! Although it felt like Friday all day yesterday to me anyway, since my kids are out of school today for parent teacher conferences. Yay 3 day weekend? But you know what else Friday means? That's right!

Time to share the bright, and not so bright things we did this week. I've had some good ones, in both senses.

I did spend so much time on OHiH that I was late in picking up my kids. Well, not late late - I just left late. I still got there on time. Luckily we live very close to the school! But that place is addicting!

I did lock the door and hide in the bathroom to get 5 minutes peace from my youngest who was having a tantrum earlier today. I did not actually get any peace. Three year olds can yell through 2 shut doors quite well.

I did make zucchini bread, pumpkin spice muffins, and banana bread this week. I did not gain 5 pounds from it... yet :)

I did buy 3 new candles, inspired by Anemone Pie's most recent entry. But I am an idiot who didn't stop to think that mulled cider probably meant cinnamon scented (in my defense, in doesn't smell like cinnamon, just smells really good!) and so now I do have a headache. I will be passing that one on to my mom!

And if my children don't figure out how to get along... I will be moving out and changing my name! But I guess that would be something for next Friday's Yes I Did, right? :)

Head on over to Jeanette's to check out what everyone else has been up to this week, and to join in yourself!

AD's and hummus

2009-10-21T18:43:00.000-05:00

I seem to be having one of those times when I feel like I am withdrawing from life. Becoming a spectator again, rather than a participant. I feel like I am not really here... and nobody will much miss me anyway. Except maybe the kids, and that's only because I'm the one who feeds them. I'm unimportant, but not in that "nobody loves me everybody hates me I'm gonna go eat worms" way - more like I'm just insignificant... something to pass by and not notice.

It's weird. I don't know what causes it, or how to reverse it. It just happens sometimes, and then goes away. Even when I was little. Then I used to think I was just part of someone else's dream, and I was just waiting for them to wake up and I would never have existed at all. I guess it says a lot about my childhood that that idea didn't scare me.

So - have I picked the best time to wean off my anti-depressants or what? I'm on Effexor, have been for about 6 months. I've been off and on AD's in the past, the last one being Zoloft for post-partum depression (remind me to tell you about THAT someday - that was fun!). I went off the Zoloft when I was ready, with very few problems, and had no idea that Effexor was going to be any different. Oh Brother was I wrong. Severe headaches, nausea, enough dizziness to rival any 3 carnival rides you can name... and I was back on it, calling for my doctor. So now I have a lower dosage, and a plan to wean off slowly. Sounds like a good idea to me. Or maybe just a way to prolong this nasty headache, I can't be sure right now.

OH! Total subject change here! I'm going to have to turn in my Hummus Harlot badge for just a Harlot one. I tried hummus finally and well.... I took pictures so you can see for yourself. Please ignore the scary frizzy hair I have in these - my planning skills are obviously on vacation along with my sense of reality, or I would not have done these right out of a shower without doing *something* with my hair!

The cast - Whole Grain Wheat Thins (very yummy) and some hummus I picked up at Wal Mart. Yes, I know, this is basically sacrilege, but I generally try an easy version of something to see if I might be interested enough to go all out for it.

Me with hummus loaded cracker. Not much explanation needed. Frizzy hair not being mentioned.

Hmmm... tasting, no longer smiling (also not looking at camera)

And the verdict. EW. I followed this one up with a few more unadulterated crackers to get that nasty taste out of my mouth. So I may be kicked off OHiH twice. My hummus was not homemade. And I didn't like it at all. I guess that just leaves more for the rest of you.

Okay, headache is winning. If I knew for sure how long the withdrawal from Effexor lasted I'm not sure I wouldn't just choose to quit cold turkey and get it over with rather than drag this out for weeks or longer. I've done the longterm headache thing already (I had one continuous headache for just over 3 months last year) and I am so not liking this. Anyone have any experience they can share? Sorry for all my whining. I'll try and make my next post more cheerful! I still have birthday pictures and a few from the pumpkin patch.

Yum!

2009-10-18T17:36:00.000-05:00

I used to bake, all the time. Then I lost weight, and my husband lost weight and we realized that baking all the time is a bad idea. So I don't do it very often anymore. But I've been wanting to a lot lately. I blame the Hummus Harlots. They're a bunch of baking goddesses.

Someone, I don't remember who, on OHiH the other day recommended a very easy pumpkin muffin recipe. It's a box of spice cake mix, a can of pumpkin, and a cup of water. After a little reading, I also added an egg, and 1/3 c mini chocolate chips, and then topped the muffins with a few more chocolate chips. So it's not completely lowfat, or good for you, but it's not bad. And it makes 24 muffins, and I plan on freezing some, as soon as they finish cooling. But they are sooooo good. Moist and yummy and very good. They taste like autumn.

Random Things

2009-10-17T18:22:00.000-05:00

I've been tagged by Belladonna and Angel to list 8 random facts about myself. (see previous post about being a slacker. Angel tagged me DAYS ago! But this time it worked in my favor, I get a 2-for1. Otherwise I'd have to do this one twice!)

I didn't learn to drive until I was 25. I was a month a way from my 26th birthday when I got my driver's license.
I can flip my tongue over sideways. It freaks my husband out.
I'm allergic to everything. Seriously. I had one of those scratch tests and on a scale of 0 (meaning no response) to 4 (very allergic) I tested at a 2 or above to all 30 things they tested me for. Including cats.
I have 4 cats. Little Guy, Penelope, Luna, and Kali. I take Zyrtec every day.
I got married in Gatlinburg Tennessee, in the Little Log Wedding Chapel. It's kind of like the red-neck version of going to Vegas.
I've never been to a concert.
I've lost 58% of my body weight since January 2008.
I can do the splits cartwheels and handstands. But I injured myself in February trying to do a headstand.

Okay! I think everyone I know has been tagged, so I am not going to tag anyone. If you haven't done it, and want to, consider yourself tagged!

Super Snapshot Saturday

2009-10-17T10:13:00.000-05:00

I am so behind on posts! I missed Yes I Did Friday yesterday, I've been tagged (twice!) for 8 random facts (does that mean I owe you 16? I don't think there are that many...), I totally half-assed Christopher's birthday post yesterday, I bought a container of hummus and told OHiH that I was going to try it, with pictures on Wednesday, and still it sits unopened in my fridge.... I'm a slacker. And I have no time for any of it right now, because we're getting ready to go to the pumpkin patch!

But, I couldn't miss Super Snapshot Saturday!!

I've been taking pictures all week for this one! So without further adieu, here are my black and whites.

Happy Birthday Christopher!

2009-10-16T16:43:00.000-05:00

Today Christopher is 6!

Happy Birthday beautiful boy!

I'd fully intended on writing one of those long sappy posts I've seen on other blogs, but instead I've been busy all day, playing with him, and his new Ben10 alien force watch, buying special birthday doughnuts, and visiting Grandma. So the post will have to wait. But I did manage to dig out pictures, one for every year, so you can all see how much he's grown.

S in pictures

2009-10-14T11:03:00.000-05:00

I've been taking lots of black and white pictures in preparation for Super Snapshot Saturday, which has been a lot of fun. Last night, S was working out, which is pretty much his favorite thing in the world to do, and I was in there with my camera, pretending I knew what I was doing, which I so don't. I've discovered that I prefer the look of pictures taken without the flash, but haven't actually figured out how to make them look as sharp or clear. Anyway... S was a willing subject as I played around, and I think I got some good shots, and some not so bad ones. It helps that I love watching him work out, and he, even on nights like last night, where it didn't go as well as he would have liked, loves working out. He started it seriously about a year ago, when he was approaching 40. He'd been lamenting wasting his youth, never doing anything when he was young... you know, the typical midlife thing. :) (he's going to get me for that lol) But he found a forum of older weight lifters that made him think maybe his last chance hadn't passed. The changes in S's body have been impressive in the past year, whether he sees them or not. But even better is the sense of accomplishment I see in him. He comes out of that room pumped not only physically, but emotionally. And when he's made a big jump in weight, or some other gain, his excitement fills the house. So while I may complain about it occasionally, I'm thrilled that this is his passion.

(Once again, I apologize for the wonky formatting. Blogger hates me.)

The eyes have it!

2009-10-12T11:26:00.000-05:00

Christopher isn't the only blue eyed member of this family!

Me,

Lexie,

Joshua.

Only S breaks the mold. He has really pretty green eyes. I was hoping one of the kids would get them, but as you can clearly see, we are blue eye dominant in this family! Of course, since the kids all look like him anyway, it's only fair I got to pass on something!

And, even though this will be a picture heavy post - just because I like the full size pics, I'll include them down here.

Super Snapshot Saturday

2009-10-10T17:07:00.000-05:00

Angel has started Super Snapshot Saturday. Now I am NOT a photographer, and I don't know anything about photoshop, or any other program, so what you see, other than maybe fiddling with the a crop, red-eye or brightness, is just the picture I took. But I want to take better pictures, so maybe participating will help me to do that!

I took this picture of Christopher today, and just had to post it - look at his eyes!

That's the color a - "ahem" certain blogger photoshops to get! But it's all his! I took him with me to run errands, this was in front of Walmart. It was fun, just Bubby and me. We don't often get a chance to do things without his siblings, and I enjoyed the heck out of it. After I took this one, we got silly in the checkout lane.

*For the record - I hate picture formatting in blogger. They never go where I want them to. So forgive the weirdness in this post.

Venting about Autism

2009-10-09T13:48:00.000-05:00

Can I just vent for a second please? Sometime I hate autism. It makes things so hard for my baby that shouldn't be. A coat! It's 48 degrees here. So he has to wear his coat to go to school. But it's been months since he's had to wear one, and it's a new coat, so it doesn't feel right to him. So it freaks him out. I had to force him into it. And by the time we get into the school and get it off of him he's a mess. He can't settle down, he's hiding behind me, can't listen to his para, is just completely dysregulated. I could barely get him into the school in the first place. All from having to wear a coat for 20 minutes.

It makes me so angry and so sad for him. You know, life is hard enough without simple things being such a big damn deal. And there's nothing I can to do to fix this for him, or to make it easier. I mean, I could let him go without a coat, and I do as much as I can. But his school is kept too warm for a heavy sweatshirt, and he won't layer clothes. And if it's not this, it's something else.

Asking him why he won't sleep in his bed and him being unable to answer, asking him how his day was and getting the word "nothing" in response. The whole first month of kindergarten being so hard because it was just "too much." Going to the "Wacky Webs" at the library the other day and it taking 15 minutes to coax him into the room because it wasn't the part of the library he's used to going into. Not being able to sit and read him a book, because he won't let me. Going to Grandma's house, but having to watch a movie over there, because otherwise it's too out of routine. Only being able to eat 5 things for lunch or dinner. Ever.

Don't get me wrong. I love Christopher with every fiber of my being. And I am not one of those people who views autism as a disease, something that happened to him , or something curable. It is a part of him. But sometimes I get so frustrated that he has to fight harder for things other kids don't. A coat. It shouldn't be a big deal. But sometimes it is.

Yes I Did Friday! - Updated!

2009-10-09T10:47:00.001-05:00

It's Friday again, which means it's time to talk about all the things I Did! Remember, Jeanette's the one hosting this, so run on over there to see what everyone else did this week!

I did avoid answering the phone when my sister called - twice. She was whiny and I'd already talked to her that day and I so did not want to listen to her whine anymore!

I did eat a piece of cake after breakfast yesterday. And then I did feel nauseous. Unfortunately I probably did not learn my lesson, and probably will do it again at some point. But not anytime soon!

I did feel very proud of Christopher who had a fantastic day yesterday at school! He got to share his "Me Bag" (basically show and tell - but specifically a few of his favorite thing that show who he is) and did it perfectly with no issues at all!

I did make a big pot of potato soup all by myself with no recipe! And I am not a cook! And it even tasted good. I do still have lots of leftovers. Anyone want to come over for lunch?

And yes I did become a collectible over at the creamery! Thank you Whimsey! Although I must say, it's a little stuffy here in your curio cabinet.

...and your Momma dresses you funny

2009-10-07T11:57:00.000-05:00

I was going through some old pictures, looking to see if I had any group pics I could add to Facebook (ack! Facebook, how I loathe thee! Come back Lover, I didn't mean it!... I'm conflicted) I don't, which didn't surprise me, but I did find a few of me from school. I decided to make today Humiliate Myself Wednesday and post them! I can't even remember where my scanner is, so these are digital pics of old pictures, so excuse the poor quality.

For some reason I have 2 sets of 2 - one from grade school, and one from high school. So let's start at the very beginning. (a very good place to start...)

So - 4th grade. Red hair, complete with mullet and flippy wings. Freckles. Dancing panda shirt. Teeth that prompted my parents to call me Bugs Bunny. I can't imagine why the child modeling agencies weren't beating at my door? How can this get any better?

Like this!! Fifth grade! Same red hair - now with badly cut bangs. New, improved chubbiness! Bugs Bunny teeth slightly grown into, but "Dumbo*" ears shown to best advantage! Hideous pink shirt clashes nicely with hair and complexion. These are the memories we want to keep forever? Nice slogan picture selling company!

*Dumbo and Bugs really were what my parents called me when I was little - My ears and teeth were HUGE. Thankfully I did grow into them!

So - these 2 - I was either 8th and 9th, or 9th and 10th grade. On the positive side, my mother was no longer picking out my clothes. Or my hair style. The blue sweater isn't so bad. On the negative side, I'm not sure I was doing such a great job either. I think those suspender things might be backwards. (If I remember correctly it was a skirt, and it was backwards because the straps didn't fit over my breasts the other way - they slid off repeatedly) And red will never be my color. But obviously I needed to step away from the curling iron. And the blue eye shadow. And whoever invented light bulb earrings should be shot, as should I for wearing them in a school picture. Actually ... are those Christmas Bulbs? But overall, it's still an improvement.

Luckily things have gotten a lot better... (I hope!) in the years since I've graduated. I no longer have a curling iron addiction at all. I don't even own blue eye shadow, or any clothing with suspenders. And I swear I have never had another mullet! I think I've grown up quite nicely!

Productive Weekend

2009-10-05T11:29:00.000-05:00

I didn't post, and the world didn't end! I had a fairly productive weekend, which is a good part of what kept me away from the computer.

We got Lexie's twin bed taken apart, and the queen bed that was the guest bed moved upstairs to her room. We bought her a pretty white metal day bed for her 7th birthday at a discount furniture place, and it has completely fallen apart less than 2 years later. Guess we've learned our lesson there - some things are worth paying for. Lexie is of course, thrilled to have such a big bed anyway, so it all works out. When my in-laws come at Christmas, we'll just have them sleep in her room, and she can sleep on the twin mattress we stored under her brother's bed.

We also moved the recliner out of the boys room and into the living room. Christopher had taken to only sleeping in the chair, and since he's not heavy enough to keep it reclined, that meant he was always curled into some really uncomfortable looking position. Now he slept fine, so it must not have been too uncomfortable, but I was worried about what it might be doing to his back. Yes, I know, I 'm paranoid. But I'm Mom, it's my job! :) So the chair isn't in his room anymore, and not an option for sleeping. The first night he ended up on the couch in the living room about midnight, but last night spent the whole night in his bed, making me a much happier Mommy!

I also did a thorough clean out of all the boys toys - I dumped every single toy they owned in the middle of their bedroom and went through them, something I hadn't done since before we moved into this house a year and a half ago! Lexie volunteered to help, and was a joy to have in there with me, and actually a lot of help. It was really nice. We managed to get 2 trash bags of toys plus a couple of bigger things that wouldn't fit in bags, and a bag of clothes that Joshua has outgrown to give away, as soon as I find someone to give everything to. Not to mention the HUGE bag of trash! We also sorted all the toys, and the boys are having a lot of fun playing with things that have been buried for months.

And to top it off, I braved weekend crowds and went shopping! I bought Christopher's birthday presents, and got a head start on some Christmas shopping. We do most of our Christmas shopping online, but since I was there, I went ahead and picked up a few things I knew the kids wanted. Then I came home and spent awhile on Amazon working on the rest of their lists. Of course, I'm not going to order those quite yet.... I need to make sure the lists don't change, and we have to write Santa letters too! But very soon I will be done with shopping for the kids! But they're the easy ones. My husband is the hardest person in the world to shop for, I swear!

So today, Christopher finally gets to go back to school!! He only went one day last week, poor kid. But he is officially no longer contagious, so off he goes. And then I have to go buy coats for him and his sister. The weather is finally cooling down, and they might actually need them sometime soon. Gotta love Oklahoma! 90's last week, 50's this week!

Yes I Did Friday!

2009-10-02T09:10:00.000-05:00

So Jeanette has created Yes I Did Friday, for all of to share all the smart and not so smart things we've done this week.

So let's see what I Did this week...

I did attempt to bribe my 3 year old with chocolate orange sticks for breakfast if he would just spend the whole night in his own bed, pretty please?? No, it didn't work. Yes I did eat 2 of my own before breakfast anyway :)

I did take pictures of candles and fall leaves and pumpkins for you capture but not post them. The candle picture is pretty, but the other ones didn't turn out right... and I'm just not a photographer. I got performance anxiety. One day I want to join in on you capture though. I love the idea!

I did spend WAY too much time online, ignoring the state of my kitchen floor, having way too much fun on blogs and OHIH. I even actually used my Facebook account for the first time ever!

I did send my son to school on Monday, not knowing he was contagious with the H1N1 flu... SORRY teachers and other parents!

And I did spend lots of time cuddling, hugging, kissing, and taking care of the 3 little people who are most important in my life. I did my best to make sure they know they are loved. So I count it as a good week!

Now it's YOUR turn! Tell us what you did this week, and then head on over to Jeanette's and see what everyone else has been up to!

Roman Polanski and Me

2009-10-01T15:43:00.000-05:00

First - go here
Snips And Snails And The Unbearable Heaviness Of Roman Polanski
and read her post. Then come back. I'll wait.

Back? Good. You, of course agree with everything Bad Mother wrote, as do I. He's a bad man who should be punished.

Now let me tell you my story.

My mother was raised by an abusive father. He would lock her in a closet for days on end to keep her from eating because she was too fat. When she accidentally shut her little sister's finger in the car door, he did the same to hers - and left her there for an hour. Her nail grows with a split in it to this day. There are many many stories like these that I know, and undoubtedly even more I don't. She was also sexually abused by him, but I don't know any of those details. She has never shared them with me, and I have never asked.

My father was raised by his father, and step-mother. His mother was certifiably insane. She ended up having a lobotomy later in life, actually. His step-mother never liked him much, he wasn't even allowed to sit on the furniture. He was only 16 when he and my mother met, although he lied and told her he was 18 to her 21. They were married just weeks later.

He had a temper. And seemed to have inherited a good bit of his mothers psychological issues. And my mother had victim written all over her. I was born when he was 17. He rarely worked, and never consistently - leaving my mother to be the one to keep our family afloat. He was physically violent to my mother for the entire length of their marriage, although I only rarely saw the actual abuse. I was about 18 months old when my mom came home from work to find me passed out drunk in the corner - his excuse? I'd wanted the beer, and he'd thought it was cute. And I was only 2 the first time he threatened to have sex with me. My mother had said no to him. His words? "if you don't, she will" pointing to me. She did. I was safe. That time.

But I didn't stay safe. I don't actually remember when it started. I was very young. I'm not sure I ever remember a time when he wasn't touching me. I do know that for a long time I thought nothing of it. When I was in 2nd grade I had two close friends and we started talking one day, and the subject somehow came up. What my father was doing to me, J's brother was doing to her, and D's step-brother was doing to her. When you're 7, if something is happening to you and your friends, why would you think it's NOT normal? r at least convince yourself it must be okay?

I do specifically remember the first rape - I was 9. He held a pillow over my face to keep me quiet because my 3 year old sister was asleep in her bed just a few feet away. That was just the first time. I remember one night my mother opening the bedroom door while he was on top of me, turning around and walking out. It broke my heart. I found out later that she has absolutely no memory of this. I believe her. At some point it got to be too much for me and I stopped remembering it myself. I have huge gaps in my memory. Massive pieces of my childhood are just not there. Mostly I'm okay with that. The things that I do remember are bad enough. But sometimes it's really frustrating.

My parents divorced when I was 11. The abuse didn't stop, it just had to wait for visitation. I saw him give my mom a black eye one night when she had to bring my inhaler to his house because I forgot it. I vowed not to forget things anymore. This went on for a few years. I had managed to put away all memory of the abuse, even while it was going on at this point, so things just kind of flowed, on the surface. But really - things were bad. I was hyper-sexual, chasing after boys and doing things other girls my age were NOT doing - heck that the BOYS my age weren't doing. All the guys I ended up with were years older than me. Then, just a month or so after turning 13 - my first suicide attempt. I took 100 tylenol and some other random medications I found in my mom's medicine cabinet. Paramedics told my mother if she had been an hour later getting home, she would have found me dead. Landed me in the hospital for a few days, then in therapy. First thing I was asked - have you been abused? I honestly said no, because I didn't remember it.

Things continued from there. More and more promiscuity. Lost my virginity (willingly - totally different thing) at 13. Discovered pot and alcohol, the only things available on the island where I lived. Another suicide attempt. Still in therapy, still having court ordered visitation with my father. Until I was about 15. I started having nightmares. Horrible, detailed nightmares. I was taking so many No-Doz to avoid sleep, to avoid knowing, I started throwing up blood. One night, when the pills had worn off and I'd fallen asleep against my will, I started yelling in my sleep, loud enough to wake my mom. She came in and listened. And in listening learned things she'd never seen. The next morning, when I woke up she was sitting in her chair, looking so sad. She looked at me, and asked "Jen - has your father ever hurt you?" after the months of nightmares, and the look on my mom's face, I couldn't deny it anymore, even to myself, and I burst into tears. Within hours, we were at the police station making a report.

This is really long, so let's skip to the chase...

You want to know what happened to him? The man who stole my entire childhood? The one who taught me that the only thing I was good for was to fuck? That the only way I could ever hope to be loved was on back, or my knees? He was allowed a plea bargain. One count of attempted molestation. He lived in a halfway house for a couple of years, and had some therapy. No actual jail time. That's it. Think it's a fair trade?

So as much as the situation with Roman Polanski INFURIATES me, in the long run, it's not going to matter until the laws in this country are changed. We need to stop treating these men as though it's okay, it's no big deal. It a really big deal. Stop slapping them on the wrists and treat our children's innocence and childhood as though they are actually worth something, okay? Actually punish the people who do wrong and maybe there won't be as many Polanski's who think it's okay to do this.

Wordless Wednesday - oh hell edition

2009-09-30T11:32:00.000-05:00

7 Random Facts

2009-09-29T14:22:00.000-05:00

Okay, I know this one has been done, and redone and I am probably the only person on the internet not sick of it, but I saw over at Aunt Becky's that she's reviving an old post with it, so I am taking that as permission to do it! I'm such a rebel.

My favorite way to eat cottage cheese? As a dip for Doritos. Only the original Nacho Cheese flavor of course. Anything else would be nasty. But regular Doritos with small curd cottage cheese is a snack I'd... well not kill for, but maybe poke someone really hard for.
I have a thing about eyes. They kind of freak me out if there is anything out of the ordinary about them. There should be 2 eyes of the same color, in the right place on a face - nowhere else. Anything else is unacceptable. Those dogs (Huskies?) that often have 2 different color eyes freak me out. As does any movie or t.v. show where the bad guy has more than 2 eyes, or eyes on his hands or wherever. *Shudder*
I grew up on a tiny island in the upper northwest corner of Washington State called Orcas Island. And I do mean tiny. It's 57.3 sq miles. Gorgeous, and an amazing place, boring as hell for teenagers, since there was NOTHING to do. (we called it the Rock - as in I can't wait to graduate and get off this Rock!) It didn't even have a movie theatre until I was 14. The first movie it showed was Batman - the one with Michael Keaton. And the island was not necessarily anything that prepared me for real life. I was extremely sheltered and naive when I left the island at 18.
I love fairies! Not Disney fairies. The ones that look like they're probably up to something :). I used to have a collection of them, but I left them them behind when I left Washington.
When I was in high school our class (all 34 of them - the entire Freshman class! Told you it's a small island) went on a field trip to the Vancouver Aquarium, in Canada. I was wearing a white shirt, and a light blue lace bra. (And let's just say the boob fairy visited my house early and generously - the bra was at least a C cup by then...) A porpoise spit on me, and made BOTH items see through. We were in CANADA - and all of my clothes were back in AMERICA. This was not something that made me, or the teachers happy. Then I got splashed by the Orca act. I ended up wearing a teacher's jacket. I still have never met anyone else who has been spit on by a porpoise.
I am duckfooted - meaning my feet naturally turn out. I would have made a rockin' ballerina. Well - if I weren't 5'3" and a complete klutz. You know that position where they have to turn their feet out sideways? I can do that and then some, pointing my feet halfway backward. But making them face exactly forward like normal people do? That's uncomfortable.
I hate coffee. The smell, the taste, everything. Don't like tea either, except for good southern sweet tea. I also don't like Coke, Pepsi, Tab, or any other cola drink, and while I used to enjoy Dr. Pepper or Sprite maybe 2 or 3 times a month I haven't had any in almost 2 years. I don't drink juice or anything with sugar in it. And I don't drink water because it gives me a stomach ache. The only thing I drink is Crystal Light - well, actually, the generic version. A minimum of 64oz every day, and I wish they'd invent new flavors because I'm really kind of tired of the ones available.

Okay - so that was actually a little more challenging than I thought it would be. I'm going to tag a few people who I have just recently found and hope they'll do it too! belladonna, Shannon, Jeanette, Jill, tinycandi, anemone pie and won. It was really hard to just choose 7, I've found sooooo many new blogs this past week. I hope at least a couple of you want to join in!

Random Monday

2009-09-28T14:02:00.001-05:00

I don't have enough to say on one topic right this second, so I'm going to post a bunch of unrelated stuff, and call it an entry!

I got tired of having to fast forward through the commercials when Joshy is watching tv (Danny Phantom is his very favorite show right now) so I taught him how to do it. Total win on my part. Of course, Lexie then tried to teach him where the volume button was and I threaten to lock her in the closet. The last thing I need is for him to know how to turn it up!

I checked my gmail account for the first time in forever and found a bunch of friend requests for Facebook. I'd forgotten I even HAD a Facebook account. So I went and approved them, and got sucked into it, and spend wayyyy too long trying to figure it out. I'm obviously too old or technologically deficient for social networking. But I am determined to figure it out so I can... what? Catch up with people I haven't spoken to is 15 years? Sure why not!

Do you read Emily? She's doing a living art project. Each week of the year, she's letting a different person (or animal! this week it's her dog) tell her how to live her life. It's been really interesting reading about it. I highly recommend everyone go there and check it out.

My daughter had the flu this weekend - she missed school on Friday, but is actually back at school today. According to the doctor, this was h1n1. So now I'm left wondering if we just got really lucky, and yes, she did get Tamiflu, or if the media is just REALLY blowing this way out of proportion. Now, she is fundamentally healthy, I'm sure it would be a different story for a kid with health issues, but still...

Also, there are 4 (four!) other people in this house. If this is supposed to be so very contagious, why are none of us sick? Now, maybe I'm counting chickens here, but according to the information I've found the incubation period for any flu is usually 2 days. Lex got sick on Thursday, which would have meant she started being contagious on Wednesday. She hasn't had a fever since Saturday morning, so is no longer contagious. We didn't quarantine her, she actually spent most of her sickest hours in my lap - but so far so good on everyone else. I'm just not impressed with the scariness of this big bad flu. Of course, now that I've said that we'll all come down with it, right? :)

Okay, I think I'm out of things to blather about for the moment. And there's chocolate cake in the fridge calling my name...

How I met my husband

2009-09-27T16:11:00.001-05:00

In less than a month my husband and I will have been together 10 years. That's a very long time. I haven't done anything other than breathe for 10 consecutive years.

I was actually already married when we met . My first marriage was a bad idea from the start, and didn't get any better the longer it lasted. I was young, stupid and reckless, and he was abusive. Remind me to tell you that whole sordid story another day. Today I want to talk about happier things.

We met online in July of '99 on a website that would rather remain anonymous. I had an ad up, mostly looking for friends, and S (who prefers I not use his name here - remind me to come up with a pseudonym) sent me an email. He lived 2 states away, I had been honest in my profile about my marital status (married women a very big nono in his book) and I was not the type he usually looked for, so we're still not sure what made him respond, but I'm sure glad he did! We connected pretty fast, and it take long for me to open up about the hell I was living in.

Something you need to know about S - he has a huge savior complex. He wants to save the world. So finding out about my abusive relationship made him determined to save me. The fact that we both thought we were falling for each other just added fuel to the fire. Three months after that first email we were making plans how to get me from where I was - to where he was. We were pretty realistic about things though. Unlike so many internet relationships, we weren't planning on me coming here to live forever, it was to get me away, so I could get on my feet, and be safe. Of course, it didn't work out quite like that. I snuck out of the house after my ex fell asleep and got on a midnight Greyhound on October 18th, 1999. We were married July 1st, 2000.

S is the first man I ever met who treated me like a real person - who valued my opinion, who loves me for me. He knows everything about me, the good, the bad, the horribly ugly, and loves me anyway. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me, even though I hate to do the laundry, am a really lousy housekeeper, get overwhelemed by life and freak out way too easily, need way more sleep than he does... and a million other annoying habits. He is an amazing father, who loves his children more than I thought a father could. I don't know how I got so lucky, but I thank God for him all the time.

Friday5 (a day late)

2009-09-26T19:03:00.000-05:00

I am shamelessly stealing this from tinycandi. I need something to post today and I am absolutely brain dead. Yesterday was lots of fun, finding out that Lexie has the flu - H1N1 to be exact. Luckily we caught it within the first 48 hours, so we got a prescription for Tamiflu, and so far so good. Really, she doesn't even seem all that sick. Now if I just keep the rest of us from getting it...

Then, I spent all morning, and half the afternoon helping my sister move. She's been living with us for the past 6 months and just got her own place. So, me = brain dead. So, I'm stealing a meme!

Friday5 - Getting to Know You

What are the titles of the last 3 books you read? Oh this is easy. I've been re-reading Anita Blake. So the last 3 were Incubus Dreams, Micah, and Danse Macabre.
What are the titles of between three and five magazines you subscribe to or used to subscribe to? I don't read magazines unless I'm at the doctor's office. I read really fast and a magazine is just a waste of time to me.
What’s on your night table? A lamp, a portable cd player because I cannot sleep without music, usually at least one or 2 hair ties, since I end up taking them out in the middle of the night.
What are the three best things that happened to you in the past seven days? Christopher got all green trees (good days) in school this week even though his normal para was out and he had a sub, I felt welcomed into the OHIH community even though I always feel socially awkward, and I was able to make my sister feel good by being there to help her move into her own place. She has a lousy track record of people actually being there for her, and showing her people do care for her always makes me feel good.
What was your senior yearbook quote, and what would your yearbook quote be this year if there were such a thing? Hmm. Well, I didn't actually graduate, or stick around long enough to have a senior yearbook quote. (here comes some of that social anxiety) I got my GED at 23. There were a lot of factors in this - child abuse being the main one - but it's a long involved story that I am so not ready to go into here yet. I have no idea what my yearbook quote would be now.... something along the lines of "life is always worth living". Cheesy I know. But true.

Meet the Kids - Joshua

2009-09-25T12:11:00.001-05:00

Joshua. My baby. But don't say that to his face. At 3 1/2 he thinks that is nothing but an insult. "I'm a big boy!" he insists. He's right, of course. Tall and lanky, and skinny and all boy. His big brother did nothing to prepare me for what a typical boy is. Super heroes and bad guys everywhere, non-stop motion from the second he gets out of bed until he grudgingly passes out at night. He's a lover AND a fighter. Snuggled in my arms telling me he loves me while fighting the bad guys behind me. That's my baby.

Being the youngest, he's spoiled, of course. Even more than I would do on my own. His Daddy is way worse than I am. Woo has everyone wrapped around those little fingers, and we all know it. But when he looks at you with that impish grin and says "pwease Mommy pwease pwease??" how can you resist?

He is in a hurry to grow up, much to my dismay. He wants to go to school like his brother and sister, while I am relishing his last year at home with me. Next year is pre-k... then kindergarten, and then the world. He has an unreasonable hatred of commercials and so I spend way too much of my day hearing "make it faster make it faster!" and thanking God for DVRs. If he actually had to watch commercials, I fear for the safety of the world! He wants a beard like Daddy when he grows up. I just can't even begin to picture that. Those sweet little cheeks all bristly and scruffy. Of course he also wants to be Spiderman. And I can't really picture that either, so I think I'm safe for now. On both counts.

Meet the Kids - Christopher

2009-09-25T11:53:00.001-05:00

This is Christopher, my firstborn son. He'll be 6 next month which is something that just blows us all away. He's our extra special guy, the one who pulls hardest on the heart, the one who needs the most. You know how they say a mother always knows? Well it held true in this case. I knew by the time that he was 14 or 15 months old, but it took the rest of the world until he was almost 3 to catch up with me. He's autistic. He didn't talk at all until he was almost 2, and didn't use language in a constructive way until after he was 3. He's been in school and therapy for 4 years now, and take a special multivitamin and fish oil and they have all made a tremendous difference in him. He's in mainstream kindergarten this year and we are so proud of him. He still has very little in the way of social skills - which is why we were so intent on mainstreaming him. He needs the peer modeling to learn those skills. But you'd never believe this is the same kid, who wouldn't look at you, and would get so frustrated he'd scream trying to tell me what he wanted to eat.

We call him Bubby, and half the time you ask him his name, that's the answer you'll get. He's our Bubba, Bubbalicious boy. He is delicious. From his bright blue eyes and dimple to his hobbit feet I'd eat him up if he'd let me. He loves the t.v. (way too much - bad mommy, no cookie for you!) and has recently graduated from Dora and Blues Clues to Ben 10. Now I'm having to learn all the names of the guys on there for him. But I'll do it happily. I hate Dora! He's really good on the computer, and spends half his waking life on the trampoline, leading to the most amazingly strong thighs I've seen on a kid. In the summer he turns into a fish and it takes an act of God to get him out of the water. It makes him happier than pretty much anything else in the world - but he still hates baths. Go figure. He's a conundrum, our boy and we wouldn't want him any other way.

Meet the Kids - Lexie

2009-09-24T21:55:00.000-05:00

This is my oldest, Lexie. She's eight, and obsessed with vampires,(that would be my fault!) the Jonas Brothers,(so not my fault!) and being sassy. She thinks she knows more than I do. Sometimes she's right. Mostly she's not, much to her dismay. We share a birthday, and too many personality traits, so we butt heads often. Being my first, she's also what I call my practice kid... you know, the one I get to learn on? Poor thing. Her brothers have it a lot easier than she does. By the time they do something, she's already broken me in.

Of course, by being the first, she also gets to be the one who did everything first. Her's were the very first first words and first steps and first loose teeth and first day of school. Her brothers didn't get that. And she's fond of the fact that she is the one who made me a mommy. I am too. She's my girl. My Punkin, my Lulu, my Chickadee.... it's amazing the kid knows her name, actually. But I'll call her whatever she wants as long as she keeps smiling like this.

Inaugural Post

2009-09-24T16:15:00.001-05:00

My kids are still little - 3, 5 and 8. But not for long. Like everyone says, these days go so fast. So I want to do something to keep a record of some of it. And have a place to be me... and whatever else I decide to use this space for. I have no clue. Maybe I'm just a lemming, joining the mommy blogging ranks. I figure I may as well, I read enough of them! So what the heck, right?

these days...

All about the hair

Sister

Happy New Year!

The fat/skinny elephant in the room

Let's talk books!

Snow Pics

Retrospective

December 29

Christmas Recap

Almost Forgot!

It's snowing!

Christmas Meme

Cheater Post

Random Thoughts

Holiday Dinner

Estranged

Truffles!

Cookies anyone?

Christmas Traditions

Weighty Matters

Sunday

Dear Santa

Cookies and Kids

Christmas Past and Present

Oddly Phobic

Not so secret family recipe

I'm too busy for a title....

I MUST be insane....

Christmas is coming.... And Mommy's getting stressed!

November 30th!

29

S's Guest Post

27

26 - Giving Thanks

25

24

23

22

day 21 - guest post by Lexie *Updated*

20

19

November 18th

17

16

15

14 and SSS

November 13th

12

Day 11

Ten

Nine

Day 8

Day 7

Day 6 and Yes I Did!

Day 5

Day 4

Day 3

November 2nd

November 1st

Yes I Did Friday!

You Capture Autumn

Meme Tuesday?

Christopher and my angst. Read at your own risk.

It's Friday!

AD's and hummus

Yum!

Random Things

Super Snapshot Saturday

Happy Birthday Christopher!

S in pictures

The eyes have it!

Super Snapshot Saturday

Venting about Autism

Yes I Did Friday! - Updated!

...and your Momma dresses you funny

Productive Weekend

Yes I Did Friday!

Roman Polanski and Me

Wordless Wednesday - oh hell edition

day 21 - guest post by Lexie Updated