This is why I know I'll have a Happy New Year. How could I not?
I hope you all have just as much to love, and make you happy.
and if you get the chance to bury someone in the snow...
you should take it!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
The fat/skinny elephant in the room
Arghh! I am NEVER going to get caught up at this rate! But at least it was for a good cause this time. I got to go to a friends house who I'd fallen out of contact with. We'd been friends since Lex was 2, she has a bunch of kids right around the same ages as mine, including a son with Aspergers, which was a great help when Christopher was diagnosed. Everything was great between us for the longest time, but the past year or so it seemed everything had fallen apart. Then a few days ago I got an email from her explaining it. As she put it;
"i feel uncomfortable having you see me because i am afraid you're going to be thinking the whole time about how fat i am. i KNOW in my rational mind that it's probably not what you'd be thinking but in my screwed up mind it's there. we were both fat together and neither cared and now you're very, very skinny but i am still very fat."
First off - she is not very fat. A little chubby, maybe. Nor am I very very skinny. Not by a long shot. Secondly, as I told her, the only time I even notice the way she looks is when I covet her clothes. She always has cuter clothes than me. Third, and most importantly - how much does this situation suck? This is a close friendship of years, one where we told each other everything, talked about all the important things in our lives. I trusted her with things I haven't told anyone else, and I know she told me personal, close things as well. I knew she was expecting her fourth child before her husband did!
But she couldn't talk to me about this. How important is weight in so many women's minds? I know how much it has impacted my life, my sense of self worth. The word fat is so often synonymous with disgusting, lazy, worthless. You see it and hear it all the time. It's still socially acceptable to make fun of and joke about weight. To make assumptions about a person's character based on the size of their ass. You see it in Hollywood, with typecasting. The fat man - the comic sidekick, the chubby girl, who's only the pretty girls friend, never the one who gets the guy.
You know what one of the very last things that made me choose to have weight loss surgery was? My daughter, in kindergarten, was already being questioned as to "why is your mom so fat?" It bothered her at 5. I didn't want to think about how she'd feel at 12, when it was no longer a question, but a pointed barb used to hurt, the way kids do.
And now this situation with my friend. There's just no winning. As much as I completely understand where she's coming from - and I DO, I do understand. I've been there, I've let my weight hold me back, keep me from doing so many things, I know what it's like to live with all those feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing due to the numbers on a scale, I'm also hurt. I'd thought she just didn't like me anymore, didn't want to be my friend anymore. And when I was there today, I was more self-conscious than I have ever been around her. I wore my bulkiest sweater, and tried to avoid any talk of food, weight, or anything that might be construed as such. I cringed when I mentioned that her dog had gotten chubby since the last time I saw her. When her husband came home from shopping and complimented me on the way I look (I haven't seen him in a year, probably - so it makes sense for him to comment), I got very nervous, and wished he'd just shut up before it offended my friend. So where do we go from here? How do you not let weight get between you, when it's everywhere you turn?
"i feel uncomfortable having you see me because i am afraid you're going to be thinking the whole time about how fat i am. i KNOW in my rational mind that it's probably not what you'd be thinking but in my screwed up mind it's there. we were both fat together and neither cared and now you're very, very skinny but i am still very fat."
First off - she is not very fat. A little chubby, maybe. Nor am I very very skinny. Not by a long shot. Secondly, as I told her, the only time I even notice the way she looks is when I covet her clothes. She always has cuter clothes than me. Third, and most importantly - how much does this situation suck? This is a close friendship of years, one where we told each other everything, talked about all the important things in our lives. I trusted her with things I haven't told anyone else, and I know she told me personal, close things as well. I knew she was expecting her fourth child before her husband did!
But she couldn't talk to me about this. How important is weight in so many women's minds? I know how much it has impacted my life, my sense of self worth. The word fat is so often synonymous with disgusting, lazy, worthless. You see it and hear it all the time. It's still socially acceptable to make fun of and joke about weight. To make assumptions about a person's character based on the size of their ass. You see it in Hollywood, with typecasting. The fat man - the comic sidekick, the chubby girl, who's only the pretty girls friend, never the one who gets the guy.
You know what one of the very last things that made me choose to have weight loss surgery was? My daughter, in kindergarten, was already being questioned as to "why is your mom so fat?" It bothered her at 5. I didn't want to think about how she'd feel at 12, when it was no longer a question, but a pointed barb used to hurt, the way kids do.
And now this situation with my friend. There's just no winning. As much as I completely understand where she's coming from - and I DO, I do understand. I've been there, I've let my weight hold me back, keep me from doing so many things, I know what it's like to live with all those feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing due to the numbers on a scale, I'm also hurt. I'd thought she just didn't like me anymore, didn't want to be my friend anymore. And when I was there today, I was more self-conscious than I have ever been around her. I wore my bulkiest sweater, and tried to avoid any talk of food, weight, or anything that might be construed as such. I cringed when I mentioned that her dog had gotten chubby since the last time I saw her. When her husband came home from shopping and complimented me on the way I look (I haven't seen him in a year, probably - so it makes sense for him to comment), I got very nervous, and wished he'd just shut up before it offended my friend. So where do we go from here? How do you not let weight get between you, when it's everywhere you turn?
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Let's talk books!
You know what I got for Christmas? Books. Lots of books. Fourteen I think. And Amazon giftcards so I could get more books! This makes me a very happy girl. I've already finished 3 of the ones I got for Christmas. By ordering used books, I managed to stretch my giftcards to order 18 more. My bookshelves are groaning at the very thought.
I can't imagine owning a Kindle, or other digital reader. I love the feeling of a book in my hands, the sound of the pages, the way they look on the shelves. I love libraries and bookstores. The dusty smell of faraway lands and millions of words waiting to take me there. I always take a book into the bathtub with me... I'd be scared to take a $200 piece of computer equipment. And I love to loan books to people, to share things I love with people I like. That can't be done with a download. I'm sure digital media has it's place, but it's not for me.
So, I mostly got brain candy this go 'round. Authors like Laurell K. Hamilton, Kim Harrison, Janet Evanovich, Kasey Michaels, and Sophie Kinsella. I also got the newest book in the Outlander series, and a few by Wally Lamb. (which appear to be all 3 he's written according to that bio. Cool. I love owning complete collections!) The first 4 are all series, and I was finishing off what I didn't already own. Kinsella writes the Shopaholic series, which I hated, but I like some of her stand alone books, so I went with those. I absolutely LOVE the Outlander series, so I broke my rule of not usually getting hardback books and put her newest on my wishlist and got it for Christmas. Actually I ended up with quite a few hardback books from my wishlist - I didn't realize when I put them there that was what I'd chosen. I much prefer paperbacks. Cheaper, easier to hold, fit in my purse better... they're just better. But I'm not going to look a gift book in the mouth - or spine :)
I also got a couple true crime, and one called Give up the Ghost, which I read about on a website somewhere and thought looked interesting. I was right, it was. Lexie thinks it looks good too, but her reading level itsn't quite high enough yet to let her have at it. It would just frustrate her. Soon though.
So, tell me, what do you like to read? My wishlist is pretty much empty - give me ideas to start filling it back up! I'd rather read than breathe, so I need more books!
I can't imagine owning a Kindle, or other digital reader. I love the feeling of a book in my hands, the sound of the pages, the way they look on the shelves. I love libraries and bookstores. The dusty smell of faraway lands and millions of words waiting to take me there. I always take a book into the bathtub with me... I'd be scared to take a $200 piece of computer equipment. And I love to loan books to people, to share things I love with people I like. That can't be done with a download. I'm sure digital media has it's place, but it's not for me.
So, I mostly got brain candy this go 'round. Authors like Laurell K. Hamilton, Kim Harrison, Janet Evanovich, Kasey Michaels, and Sophie Kinsella. I also got the newest book in the Outlander series, and a few by Wally Lamb. (which appear to be all 3 he's written according to that bio. Cool. I love owning complete collections!) The first 4 are all series, and I was finishing off what I didn't already own. Kinsella writes the Shopaholic series, which I hated, but I like some of her stand alone books, so I went with those. I absolutely LOVE the Outlander series, so I broke my rule of not usually getting hardback books and put her newest on my wishlist and got it for Christmas. Actually I ended up with quite a few hardback books from my wishlist - I didn't realize when I put them there that was what I'd chosen. I much prefer paperbacks. Cheaper, easier to hold, fit in my purse better... they're just better. But I'm not going to look a gift book in the mouth - or spine :)
I also got a couple true crime, and one called Give up the Ghost, which I read about on a website somewhere and thought looked interesting. I was right, it was. Lexie thinks it looks good too, but her reading level itsn't quite high enough yet to let her have at it. It would just frustrate her. Soon though.
So, tell me, what do you like to read? My wishlist is pretty much empty - give me ideas to start filling it back up! I'd rather read than breathe, so I need more books!
Snow Pics
*I'm playing catch up with Holidailies, so there will be a couple posts a day for the next couple days!
My FIL and step father both love to take pictures, so I've got a few I didn't take of the snow, which means, I'm actually in some of them!
My FIL and step father both love to take pictures, so I've got a few I didn't take of the snow, which means, I'm actually in some of them!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Retrospective
Holidailies is allowing posts every 8 hours right now for those of us who need to catch up, and I'm taking advantage of it, since I am 2 posts behind.
There is a lot of reminiscing about the past decade across the internet right now, and it's making me think. Won, in particular, with her newest post. My first inclination is to say I've done very little in the past 10 years, but I'm sure that's not true of anyone. It's nearly impossible to remain static for that amount of time, I'd think. After giving it a few minutes thought, I realized that I've had some amazing changes in the past 10 years.
December 31st 1999 - I was still married to an abusive man, though living with S, having made my escape only 2 1/2 months before. I was still scared of my own shadow, utterly submissive, afraid that having an opinion of my own would only lead to pain. It would still be months before S was able to start coaxing that out of me.
Nobody called me Mommy. I'd wanted children my whole life, but had more or less given up on them. My ex was sterile, and with the life I was living, it wouldn't have been fair to bring a child into it anyway. It didn't make me want it any less, I just knew it wasn't a good idea and wasn't likely to happen. Of course, a new husband and new life can really change things. Lexie was born in May of 2001, on my 25th birthday. The very best birthday present I have ever had. Then Christopher, and Joshua. Learning to be a mother, that it's more than kisses and hugs and diaper changes. Having to face my own insecurities so as not to give them to my children, having my flaws stare me in the face every time I worry I've made the wrong decision. Fighting for them, and finding out that being strong for them makes me stronger for myself as well. Rediscovering joy and innocence and the beauty of life through their eyes, seeing a lot of the things I missed the first time around.
In December of 1999 I hadn't spoken to my family in over 2 years. When I finally did, I was so desperate to be loved and accepted that I didn't stand up to my mother at all, on anything. I accepted her word as truth, and prostrated myself before her, always apologizing. Now, I know better. I know that *I* am better than that. I refuse to let her make me feel guilty anymore for things that were not my fault, for her lies and half truths. I take what I can from the relationship and try to let the rest go. It's still a work in progress, but I have made incredible progress.
I've spent 9 1/2 of the past 10 years being a wife. Not always a good wife. That too has been a learning process. A growing and changing one. As S and I have evolved as people, our relationship has, by necessity, also evolved right along with us. From the skittish, nervous little girl who hid in the corner expecting the worst, to the more confident, opinionated me now. I had to learn what a healthy relationship felt like, that it was okay to trust, and how to recover when that trust is broken. How to be supportive, and be supported. That an argument doesn't mean fists, or that the relationship is over. How to depend on each other through hard times. None of that was something I came into this knowing. I think we've both gotten much better at it through the years, though I am sure there is always something new to learn as we both continue to grow.
So tonight, as 2009 draws near to a close, I am thinking more about where I've been, and who I've become in the last 10 years. I've come to the conclusion that I have done an amazing amount of learning, changing and growing in this decade. And that I think I like who I am becoming. My hope for the next decade is that I say the same thing in 10 more years.
There is a lot of reminiscing about the past decade across the internet right now, and it's making me think. Won, in particular, with her newest post. My first inclination is to say I've done very little in the past 10 years, but I'm sure that's not true of anyone. It's nearly impossible to remain static for that amount of time, I'd think. After giving it a few minutes thought, I realized that I've had some amazing changes in the past 10 years.
December 31st 1999 - I was still married to an abusive man, though living with S, having made my escape only 2 1/2 months before. I was still scared of my own shadow, utterly submissive, afraid that having an opinion of my own would only lead to pain. It would still be months before S was able to start coaxing that out of me.
Nobody called me Mommy. I'd wanted children my whole life, but had more or less given up on them. My ex was sterile, and with the life I was living, it wouldn't have been fair to bring a child into it anyway. It didn't make me want it any less, I just knew it wasn't a good idea and wasn't likely to happen. Of course, a new husband and new life can really change things. Lexie was born in May of 2001, on my 25th birthday. The very best birthday present I have ever had. Then Christopher, and Joshua. Learning to be a mother, that it's more than kisses and hugs and diaper changes. Having to face my own insecurities so as not to give them to my children, having my flaws stare me in the face every time I worry I've made the wrong decision. Fighting for them, and finding out that being strong for them makes me stronger for myself as well. Rediscovering joy and innocence and the beauty of life through their eyes, seeing a lot of the things I missed the first time around.
In December of 1999 I hadn't spoken to my family in over 2 years. When I finally did, I was so desperate to be loved and accepted that I didn't stand up to my mother at all, on anything. I accepted her word as truth, and prostrated myself before her, always apologizing. Now, I know better. I know that *I* am better than that. I refuse to let her make me feel guilty anymore for things that were not my fault, for her lies and half truths. I take what I can from the relationship and try to let the rest go. It's still a work in progress, but I have made incredible progress.
I've spent 9 1/2 of the past 10 years being a wife. Not always a good wife. That too has been a learning process. A growing and changing one. As S and I have evolved as people, our relationship has, by necessity, also evolved right along with us. From the skittish, nervous little girl who hid in the corner expecting the worst, to the more confident, opinionated me now. I had to learn what a healthy relationship felt like, that it was okay to trust, and how to recover when that trust is broken. How to be supportive, and be supported. That an argument doesn't mean fists, or that the relationship is over. How to depend on each other through hard times. None of that was something I came into this knowing. I think we've both gotten much better at it through the years, though I am sure there is always something new to learn as we both continue to grow.
So tonight, as 2009 draws near to a close, I am thinking more about where I've been, and who I've become in the last 10 years. I've come to the conclusion that I have done an amazing amount of learning, changing and growing in this decade. And that I think I like who I am becoming. My hope for the next decade is that I say the same thing in 10 more years.
December 29
I think I have blog burnout. Which is really sad when you think of how many people update daily, or almost daily all the time. Maybe I just have commitment issues. Either way, I suck, I know.
It's hard getting back into the swing of things, being the only adult in the house again. I felt completely inundated yesterday. It's so much easier to get things done with other people to run interference with the shorties. It was obvious the kids were missing their sources of entertainment as well. All day long I kept having to stop what I was doing to fix, tie, untie, or find something. Put on gloves, help with this toy, get juice, play with me Mommy! I think I was ready for school to be back in session before it would have even been time to leave for the bus. Then, of course, I feel guilty. I've got it so easy - I get to stay home with my kids. I don't have to go out and work all day, then come home and try to fit in housework, dinner and quality time all in just a couple hours a day. I don't have all the stresses my husband does, having the support of a family of 5 on his shoulders. I may go insane when I haven't gotten to go to the bathroom by myself all day, or been able to finish a single thing without it taking 3 times as long as it should, and my only source of adult conversation may be the voices in my head, but would I really trade it for a world where I was gone all day and someone else was getting all the cuddles and smiles and laughter I get from these crazy little people? I don't think so.
It's hard getting back into the swing of things, being the only adult in the house again. I felt completely inundated yesterday. It's so much easier to get things done with other people to run interference with the shorties. It was obvious the kids were missing their sources of entertainment as well. All day long I kept having to stop what I was doing to fix, tie, untie, or find something. Put on gloves, help with this toy, get juice, play with me Mommy! I think I was ready for school to be back in session before it would have even been time to leave for the bus. Then, of course, I feel guilty. I've got it so easy - I get to stay home with my kids. I don't have to go out and work all day, then come home and try to fit in housework, dinner and quality time all in just a couple hours a day. I don't have all the stresses my husband does, having the support of a family of 5 on his shoulders. I may go insane when I haven't gotten to go to the bathroom by myself all day, or been able to finish a single thing without it taking 3 times as long as it should, and my only source of adult conversation may be the voices in my head, but would I really trade it for a world where I was gone all day and someone else was getting all the cuddles and smiles and laughter I get from these crazy little people? I don't think so.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Christmas Recap
So, that was Christmas. And it was so much better than I had even dared to hope it would be. My in-laws visit went beautifully, Joshua spent lots and lots of time curled up in Grandpa's lap, Christopher warmed up to them quickly, and Lexie was all over Grandma as was expected. S had lots of good catch-up and reminiscing time with his parents, and I got along with them perfectly. The weather threw a small hitch in the game plan with a blizzard (yes, an official blizzard!) on Christmas Eve, which prevented my family from being able to get here on Christmas, but gave S his very first White Christmas, so it was a worthy trade-off.
Christmas day was wonderful, with lots of happiness, pancakes, giddy children, and playing in the snow. We held off on the official dinner, waiting until my family could get here, so Christmas dinner was leftover homemade ham and potato soup that my FIL had made the night before from a ham I had made on Tuesday. His is way better than mine, and after watching, I know why. Mine is the lowfat version compared to his. I remove all the fat before making stock, he keeps it in. He adds butter, I don't... you get the picture. So not good for you, but sooo good!
That night, during bedtime prayers, all 5 of us in the room, I got a little teary, realizing just how happy I was. I've had some rough Christmases, but this one was just so... right. As I said, I had everything I'd ever wanted for Christmas right there in that room. I am so blessed.
My mom, her husband and my sister were able to make it yesterday, although the roads still aren't completely clear. And miracle of miracles, my mother was... fine! She didn't do anything to embarrass me, or say anything out of line, or anything. The food all turned out delicious, and it was just a good day. S, his Dad, my stepfather, and Lexie went outside and built a great snowman. Lexie, my sister and I kicked butt (and got our butts kicked) on Super Mario Brothers.
And now everyone is gone back to their own homes, sent with lots of goodies from my kitchen :) And my house feels a little bit empty, even though I'm glad to get back to our regular life as well. But it was an amazing holiday. I couldn't have asked for better.
Christmas day was wonderful, with lots of happiness, pancakes, giddy children, and playing in the snow. We held off on the official dinner, waiting until my family could get here, so Christmas dinner was leftover homemade ham and potato soup that my FIL had made the night before from a ham I had made on Tuesday. His is way better than mine, and after watching, I know why. Mine is the lowfat version compared to his. I remove all the fat before making stock, he keeps it in. He adds butter, I don't... you get the picture. So not good for you, but sooo good!
That night, during bedtime prayers, all 5 of us in the room, I got a little teary, realizing just how happy I was. I've had some rough Christmases, but this one was just so... right. As I said, I had everything I'd ever wanted for Christmas right there in that room. I am so blessed.
My mom, her husband and my sister were able to make it yesterday, although the roads still aren't completely clear. And miracle of miracles, my mother was... fine! She didn't do anything to embarrass me, or say anything out of line, or anything. The food all turned out delicious, and it was just a good day. S, his Dad, my stepfather, and Lexie went outside and built a great snowman. Lexie, my sister and I kicked butt (and got our butts kicked) on Super Mario Brothers.
And now everyone is gone back to their own homes, sent with lots of goodies from my kitchen :) And my house feels a little bit empty, even though I'm glad to get back to our regular life as well. But it was an amazing holiday. I couldn't have asked for better.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Almost Forgot!
I can't believe I almost forgot to update for a 2nd day in a row. Tomorrow things should start to get back to normal. Until then, have a few more pictures to tide you over...
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Christmas Meme
Eggnog or hot chocolate? hot chocolate, but I only drink it maybe once a year.
Does Santa wrap the presents or leave them open under the tree? unwrapped.
Colored lights on a tree or white? Colored. White are boring.
Do you hang mistletoe? No.
When do you put your decorations up? We try to get the tree up the weekend after Thanksgiving, and the rest of the decorations shortly thereafter. It doesn't always work that way, but that's what we aim for.
What is your favorite holiday dish? Stuffing.
Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? The kids do. New pajamas, so they have something cute and Mommy approved to wear for the inevitable Christmas morning pictures. This year I bought them matching jammies :)
How do you decorate your Christmas tree? Colored lights, lots and lots of them. Usually garland, but not this year because we have kittens. Then a complete mishmash of homemade, plastic, and glass ornaments put wherever the kids happen to stick them, and rearranged as the month goes on when the cats get into them. It's not a fancy tree at all, but it's a very family friendly tree and I love it.
Snow: love it or hate it? It's really pretty falling, and looks really pretty on the grass and trees, but it makes travel in this state a NIGHTMARE. We are just not a state who knows how to deal with snow.
Can you ice skate? I have enough trouble walking. Ice skating would be well beyond me.
What is your favorite holiday dessert? Too many to choose from! I'm a sugar junkie.
What is your favorite holiday tradition? reading 'Ts the Night Before Christmas with the kids on Christmas Eve. It's one of the few I remember fondly from my childhood.
Candy canes: yum or yuck? They look good on a tree. And I like peppermint. But I'm not a big candy cane fan, really.
Favorite Christmas show? A Christmas Story. TBS is my friend, with their 24 hours straight of it.
Does Santa wrap the presents or leave them open under the tree? unwrapped.
Colored lights on a tree or white? Colored. White are boring.
Do you hang mistletoe? No.
When do you put your decorations up? We try to get the tree up the weekend after Thanksgiving, and the rest of the decorations shortly thereafter. It doesn't always work that way, but that's what we aim for.
What is your favorite holiday dish? Stuffing.
Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? The kids do. New pajamas, so they have something cute and Mommy approved to wear for the inevitable Christmas morning pictures. This year I bought them matching jammies :)
How do you decorate your Christmas tree? Colored lights, lots and lots of them. Usually garland, but not this year because we have kittens. Then a complete mishmash of homemade, plastic, and glass ornaments put wherever the kids happen to stick them, and rearranged as the month goes on when the cats get into them. It's not a fancy tree at all, but it's a very family friendly tree and I love it.
Snow: love it or hate it? It's really pretty falling, and looks really pretty on the grass and trees, but it makes travel in this state a NIGHTMARE. We are just not a state who knows how to deal with snow.
Can you ice skate? I have enough trouble walking. Ice skating would be well beyond me.
What is your favorite holiday dessert? Too many to choose from! I'm a sugar junkie.
What is your favorite holiday tradition? reading 'Ts the Night Before Christmas with the kids on Christmas Eve. It's one of the few I remember fondly from my childhood.
Candy canes: yum or yuck? They look good on a tree. And I like peppermint. But I'm not a big candy cane fan, really.
Favorite Christmas show? A Christmas Story. TBS is my friend, with their 24 hours straight of it.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Cheater Post
This is my favorite part of the Christmas decorations. It's my village. I've been collecting new houses and pieces since 2002. The lighthouse in the upper right is my very favorite. It's a replica of the one on St. Simon's Island, GA, which is actually where S and I went on our honeymoon.
And here's our tree. We let the kids decorate it by themselves, with only kitty safe ornaments. I love it, it feels very cozy and friendly. I like the themed, fancy trees, but they feel so stiff and formal to me, just not something you'd find in my house.
Last but not least, my mantle
A nativity scene, a Santa my evil SIL made for us that the kids love, and the stocking I made a few years ago. The large picture is always there, it was painted by a man in a single hour at church one Easter.
So those are the decorations inside my house. I'll have to get some pictures of the ones outside. Happy Holidailies!
Monday, December 21, 2009
Random Thoughts
I'm starting to think I may not actually make Holidailies. I just have no desire to sit at the computer right now. Too many other things I could be doing. Today I have deep cleaned my kitchen, made 2 batches of fudge, and a double batch of fruitcake cookies (which turned out to be a good thing, since they are apparently finicky little cookies that burn at the exact same time you cooked the last sheet at! so I lost 4 dozen.), did 3 loads of laundry, cleaned part of one bathroom (S cleaned the other part, and the other bathrooms, thank you Love!), and other assorted things. I just can't sit down.
Our kitty is missing. She's always been a bit of a rambler, so it took a good 24 hours for it to dawn on us - hey, has anyone seen Penelope? But it's been 5 days now, and she's still gone. I called the pound, and they haven't seen her. We're beginning to think she's not coming home. I hope we're wrong. We were having an issue with one of the cats (we have 4) using the bathmat as a litter box, but couldn't figure out which one. I thought it was one of the kittens, mad because we'd allowed them garage access, and then taken it away. I just kept the floor bare, because then it wasn't an issue. Lexie put a towel on the floor the other night, and I left it, just to see what happened. It stayed clean. I mentioned it to S, who put 2 and 2 together and realized that it very well could have been Penelope messing on the rug trying to tell us something was wrong, since it only stayed clean after she was gone. That thought hadn't even dawned on me, I was still thinking kitten - we'd given them back garage access through the cat door. But if that's the case, then she won't be coming home. And I feel really really guilty.
On to a less morbid thought - (and one that makes me feel like slightly less of a heartless monster) Damn, I can't think of one. Oh, I know. I just reread the Twilight series and I'm still irritated with Stefanie Meyer for the last half of Breaking Dawn. She does such a good job throughout the rest of the series of creating this whole world and really sucking you in, until then. It so obvious that she was rushing to finish, and she switched her writing style from show to tell. She can make it up to me by writing another book telling me all about Jacob's life. :) Yeah, I was team Jacob from the second book on. And the movie just solidified that, although I do feel like a complete perv finding a 17 year old boy attractive. My daughter is a complete and utter Edward fan, so we are a house divided. Luckily I'm older and therefore I win. Or can at least send her to her room to watch the movie so I don't have to. The movie version of Twilight sucked. New Moon was much better. And not just because of Jacob :)
My FIL just called. He and my MIL (who are divorced, but very close still. Strangely functional dysfunction in that family) are traveling this way and just stopped for the night. They have 8 hours or less drive time left, which should put them here mid-afternoon tomorrow. I'll be glad to see them, as will S. The kids, Lexie especially, are very excited. It's the first Christmas we will have had with them since 2001. I'm looking forward to it.
Okay, I'm sure I've babbled more than enough. I will try to post through this week, but at this point I make no promises.
Our kitty is missing. She's always been a bit of a rambler, so it took a good 24 hours for it to dawn on us - hey, has anyone seen Penelope? But it's been 5 days now, and she's still gone. I called the pound, and they haven't seen her. We're beginning to think she's not coming home. I hope we're wrong. We were having an issue with one of the cats (we have 4) using the bathmat as a litter box, but couldn't figure out which one. I thought it was one of the kittens, mad because we'd allowed them garage access, and then taken it away. I just kept the floor bare, because then it wasn't an issue. Lexie put a towel on the floor the other night, and I left it, just to see what happened. It stayed clean. I mentioned it to S, who put 2 and 2 together and realized that it very well could have been Penelope messing on the rug trying to tell us something was wrong, since it only stayed clean after she was gone. That thought hadn't even dawned on me, I was still thinking kitten - we'd given them back garage access through the cat door. But if that's the case, then she won't be coming home. And I feel really really guilty.
On to a less morbid thought - (and one that makes me feel like slightly less of a heartless monster) Damn, I can't think of one. Oh, I know. I just reread the Twilight series and I'm still irritated with Stefanie Meyer for the last half of Breaking Dawn. She does such a good job throughout the rest of the series of creating this whole world and really sucking you in, until then. It so obvious that she was rushing to finish, and she switched her writing style from show to tell. She can make it up to me by writing another book telling me all about Jacob's life. :) Yeah, I was team Jacob from the second book on. And the movie just solidified that, although I do feel like a complete perv finding a 17 year old boy attractive. My daughter is a complete and utter Edward fan, so we are a house divided. Luckily I'm older and therefore I win. Or can at least send her to her room to watch the movie so I don't have to. The movie version of Twilight sucked. New Moon was much better. And not just because of Jacob :)
My FIL just called. He and my MIL (who are divorced, but very close still. Strangely functional dysfunction in that family) are traveling this way and just stopped for the night. They have 8 hours or less drive time left, which should put them here mid-afternoon tomorrow. I'll be glad to see them, as will S. The kids, Lexie especially, are very excited. It's the first Christmas we will have had with them since 2001. I'm looking forward to it.
Okay, I'm sure I've babbled more than enough. I will try to post through this week, but at this point I make no promises.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Holiday Dinner
No post yesterday. I just flat out didn't want to. Which is still okay by Holidailies rules. It's 20 posts in the 30 days, so I can afford to take a day off it I want to.
For the record, the truffles taste wayyyy better than they look. So much so that I've got a second batch in the fridge right now, cooling, for family only consumption. We only ended up with about 15 from the 1st try, and everyone loves them. So I'm doing it again. Half chocolate raspberry, half chocolate orange this time.
Today's prompt is a holiday food you wish would disappear. I can't think of one specifically, because we don't make anything we don't like. My mother's cooking at my house either on Christmas Eve, or Christmas - we're not sure yet because we forgot her husband doesn't actually have the 24th off. Here's our menu, as far as it stands right now:
For the record, the truffles taste wayyyy better than they look. So much so that I've got a second batch in the fridge right now, cooling, for family only consumption. We only ended up with about 15 from the 1st try, and everyone loves them. So I'm doing it again. Half chocolate raspberry, half chocolate orange this time.
Today's prompt is a holiday food you wish would disappear. I can't think of one specifically, because we don't make anything we don't like. My mother's cooking at my house either on Christmas Eve, or Christmas - we're not sure yet because we forgot her husband doesn't actually have the 24th off. Here's our menu, as far as it stands right now:
- turkey - I bought a 20lb bird yesterday. My mom does make good turkey, although I don't care a whole lot for it in general.
- stuffing. The best thing on the table!
- mashed potatoes & gravy. Gravy also goes on the stuffing. It's mandatory.
- S's granny's macaroni and cheese. I'll be making this.
- salad
- green bean casserole (maybe?)
- cornbread dressing (also a maybe. S's dad will be showing me how to make this quinessential southern dish I think, since I've never made it.)
- cranberry sauce
- black olives
- pineapple
- dinner rolls
- pumpkin pie
- pecan pie
- S's granny's pound cake (I will also be making this)
Friday, December 18, 2009
Estranged
I tried to call my father today. (for those who don't know this will help you catch up here.)
His number is disconnected, so I didn't talk to him. I have no clue what I would have said if he'd answered. I'm not even sure why I tried. I think I feel bad for him. It's got to be hard on him, this time of year, being estranged from both of his daughters. Knowing he has grandchildren who don't, and probably never will, know him.
My calling him isn't completely unprecedented. We've been in and out of contact over the past few years. And it's almost always like this. Something makes me feel guilty for keeping him out of my life, so I hunt him down, initiate contact. We talk or email off and on for a while. We've even seen each other a couple of times. But I just can't maintain it. See, he still denies, with every conversation, everything. And I still, even knowing I'll never get it, need him just once, to admit it, and accept responsibility for what he did to me. So after a few months the calls get fewer and further between, it takes me longer and longer to respond to emails, until finally we've lost contact again. I don't do it purposely. I really don't. But that's how it always happens.
I think part of me always hopes that this time he'll do it - he'll apologize, and be the Daddy I always wanted. I tell myself it will never happen. I know it will never happen. And at 33, I'm old enough not to need a Daddy anymore anyway. But it doesn't stop the wanting. And maybe this time of year makes it harder on me too. It is a time for family and togetherness, and I will never have the family I wish for. It makes me sad.
I do have an email address for him. I haven't decided if I want to try it. Knowing I have this pattern of getting closer and the backing away, would it even be fair to him? Believe it or not, I do still love him, and I don't want to cause him any pain. And assuming I decide that it's not unfair to him, would it really do me any good? Is there any real point? Sometimes hope is a futile emotion, and I really think this may be one of those times. So why keep trying?
But it is Christmas. And miracles do happen. And he is my father. The only one I get. Would it really do me any harm to find him, to send him pictures of his grandchildren? To tell him that I love him, in spite of everything? Don't I owe him that much at least? Why aren't there ever any easy answers?
His number is disconnected, so I didn't talk to him. I have no clue what I would have said if he'd answered. I'm not even sure why I tried. I think I feel bad for him. It's got to be hard on him, this time of year, being estranged from both of his daughters. Knowing he has grandchildren who don't, and probably never will, know him.
My calling him isn't completely unprecedented. We've been in and out of contact over the past few years. And it's almost always like this. Something makes me feel guilty for keeping him out of my life, so I hunt him down, initiate contact. We talk or email off and on for a while. We've even seen each other a couple of times. But I just can't maintain it. See, he still denies, with every conversation, everything. And I still, even knowing I'll never get it, need him just once, to admit it, and accept responsibility for what he did to me. So after a few months the calls get fewer and further between, it takes me longer and longer to respond to emails, until finally we've lost contact again. I don't do it purposely. I really don't. But that's how it always happens.
I think part of me always hopes that this time he'll do it - he'll apologize, and be the Daddy I always wanted. I tell myself it will never happen. I know it will never happen. And at 33, I'm old enough not to need a Daddy anymore anyway. But it doesn't stop the wanting. And maybe this time of year makes it harder on me too. It is a time for family and togetherness, and I will never have the family I wish for. It makes me sad.
I do have an email address for him. I haven't decided if I want to try it. Knowing I have this pattern of getting closer and the backing away, would it even be fair to him? Believe it or not, I do still love him, and I don't want to cause him any pain. And assuming I decide that it's not unfair to him, would it really do me any good? Is there any real point? Sometimes hope is a futile emotion, and I really think this may be one of those times. So why keep trying?
But it is Christmas. And miracles do happen. And he is my father. The only one I get. Would it really do me any harm to find him, to send him pictures of his grandchildren? To tell him that I love him, in spite of everything? Don't I owe him that much at least? Why aren't there ever any easy answers?
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Truffles!
Eighty-ish chocolate raspberry truffles. Half with a milk chocolate coating, half with a white chocolate. Yes, they're messy. They're also really rich, creamy and yummy.
Here's how they'll look when I give them out:
So, since everything except the popcorn is ready to go, and the popcorn is going in it's own little bag, I went ahead and got everything ready tonight. I take back everything I said and/or thought about it not looking likemuch, or not being enough. It took me over 2 hours to wrap up individual portions of each thing! And that doesn't count the truffles, since they were already in their little paper cups.
I went from this:
to this:
(pictured; sugar cookie sandwiches)to this:
Then I took another hour and sorted and wrapped them all into ready to go plates, bags, and bowls. Thirteen to be exact. Three big ones for teachers, and 10 smaller ones for neighbors and friends. So tomorrow, I pop the corn, mix it with chocolate, bag it up, and give it all away!! Then I get a couple days off from the kitchen. Of course, those days will be spent doing heavy duty, company's coming cleaning. And believe me, my kitchen needs it!
Sorry for 2 boring kitchen heavy posts in a row, but this is all I've been doing. I'll try to get something more interesting up tomorrow!
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Cookies anyone?
I took everything out of the freezer to thaw so I could start putting together the baskets for the teachers tomorrow, in time for Friday's delivery. Honestly, compared to how much it feels like I've made, it doesn't look like there's as much there as there should be. Then I remind myself how much everyone around here's been snacking on, and I don't feel so bad.
So... who's hungry?
From left to right:
sugar cookie sandwiches
chocolate chip, chocolate chip w/pecan (behind the first bag)
2 bags of chocolate peanut butter chip
8 mini loaves of zucchini bread
caramel pecan brownies
chocolate mint brownies
On the far right you can see tupperware with fudge (bottom), extra sugar cookies (white bowl) and then zucchini muffins. Those are for the family to eat. All the other stuff is for teachers and neighbors.
Tomorrow I make truffles. Hopefully. I've never tried it before, so I'm hoping they turn out well. Then on Friday morning, the chocolate popcorn. I'll be sure to take pictures of the finished product to put in here, since I've been making you all listen to me whine about this! Monday I'm making fruitcake cookies, Tuesday is more fudge - 2 flavors this time. Peanut butter cup and mint. And then Wednesday I'm making a pound cake. And then I. Am. Done. Baking.! And believe me, my jeans will thank me.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Christmas Traditions
I've been reading a lot around the web about Christmas traditions passed down from generation to generation, and it makes me feel wistful and slightly jealous. I don't remember much about Christmases when I was a child, and of the things I do remember... well, I don't think Mommy getting depressed and crying every time you put the tree up is a tradition I want to pass on. I still have no idea why she did that.
My husbands family doesn't seem to have had very many set traditions, other than going dove hunting together, which is not really something we can do at this point. And something he'd enjoy a lot more with his brother and nephews involved anyway. A little difficult, since they're in Illinois, and we're here.
The few traditions we do remember we seem to have a hard time fitting in - S's family always watches Christmas Vacation, the past couple years we just haven't gotten around to it. We always read 'Twas The Night Before Christmas just before bed on Christmas Eve, my father reading it when I was young, then I read it to my youngest sisters until I left, but last year we couldn't even find our copy of the book here.
So we're working on making our own traditions. Things our children can carry on for their children, hopefully. New jammies for the kids, opened on Christmas Eve. This year I got them matching pajamas. I can't wait to take pictures of them all together in front of the tree. They'll look so cute, even though I know I won't get a single picture of them all looking at the camera at the same time. They each pick out a new ornament every year for the tree. And we'll try reading the book again, assuming we can find it this time. But I'd really like a few more. Nothing big, just something.... Something that when the kids are grown they can look back on with nostalgia and fondness, like I see so many others do.
So this is where I ask for your help... what sort of traditions do you keep in your family? Which ones do you think are most important? Which ones are you hoping to pass on to your kids? Help me give my children really good Christmas memories please!
My husbands family doesn't seem to have had very many set traditions, other than going dove hunting together, which is not really something we can do at this point. And something he'd enjoy a lot more with his brother and nephews involved anyway. A little difficult, since they're in Illinois, and we're here.
The few traditions we do remember we seem to have a hard time fitting in - S's family always watches Christmas Vacation, the past couple years we just haven't gotten around to it. We always read 'Twas The Night Before Christmas just before bed on Christmas Eve, my father reading it when I was young, then I read it to my youngest sisters until I left, but last year we couldn't even find our copy of the book here.
So we're working on making our own traditions. Things our children can carry on for their children, hopefully. New jammies for the kids, opened on Christmas Eve. This year I got them matching pajamas. I can't wait to take pictures of them all together in front of the tree. They'll look so cute, even though I know I won't get a single picture of them all looking at the camera at the same time. They each pick out a new ornament every year for the tree. And we'll try reading the book again, assuming we can find it this time. But I'd really like a few more. Nothing big, just something.... Something that when the kids are grown they can look back on with nostalgia and fondness, like I see so many others do.
So this is where I ask for your help... what sort of traditions do you keep in your family? Which ones do you think are most important? Which ones are you hoping to pass on to your kids? Help me give my children really good Christmas memories please!
Monday, December 14, 2009
Weighty Matters
I think I've mentioned on here before that I've lost a lot of weight. Just about 190lbs to be specific. I did it through gastric bypass almost two years ago. Just as a visual (and because it's a kick in the pants for me to look at the difference) here's my before and after pictures.
Weight and weight loss is a funny thing though. I was a fat baby who grew into a chubby kid. One of my nicknames as a baby, according to my parents, was Pooh Bear, because my belly was as big as his. My mom still says you could have bounced me down the street. In school, I was always the fat kid. Having red hair and freckles didn't help any, but it was my weight that was the defining factor. It didn't get any better as I got older, the insults just got more inventive as kids vocabularies grew.
And home wasn't a refuge. My mother would always comment on how big my butt looked, or how unflattering my clothes were, or any other myriad of things. But she never bothered to teach me how to eat healthily. It wasn't that many years ago that I found out that pizza isn't a healthy food. Seriously. And she had her own food issues. When I was very young she weighed well over 300lbs herself, but lost most of it by the time I was 8 or so. I remember though, her starving herself, and periods of vomiting that would indicate some sort of bulimia, or other eating disorder.
Anyway... skipping ahead a decade or two... after I had the kids I found myself too big to play with them, too fat to take care of the house, and knowing that although I was fundamentally healthy then, I wouldn't be for long if I didn't do something soon. So, the bypass. And it's worked. I can run up and down stairs, I can jump on the trampoline with the kids, I can clean all day long (although I don't... I could if I wanted to!). And I'd be lying if I didn't say that the way I look isn't part of it. I look normal. I don't stand out in a crowd. But in my head, I'm still not normal.
I still feel like the fat kid. The girl walking down the street listening to the calls of "whale" and "hey fat girl! you better walk some more!" And I struggle with food all the damn time. I tell myself almost every day that I'm not going to screw up, that I'm going to stick to the things I should be eating, and avoid all the crap I know I shouldn't be. And almost every day I fail. And then I berate myself and call myself all the same names... after all, obviously everyone was right, right? If I can't even stay away from the cookies after having my intestines rerouted, risking gaining the weight back after everything I went through to lose it, I am nothing but a fat pig, right? I know better than that. I really do. But that's the track that plays in my head.
I don't know if I'm ever going to look in the mirror and like what I see. But I'd really like to sit in my head and be comfortable there. It's something I'm working on.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Sunday
Yeah, it's late. I've got nothing. It's been a heck of a day. I'm not great at spending time online on the weekends to begin with, but this one's been even busier than usual. I spent over 2 hours cleaning the living room carpet yesterday. Helped S replace 2 light fixtures in the house. We moved Lexie's bedroom back upstairs, after moving her downstairs last week. Took the kids to see Santa, and got a really lousy picture. An unexpected doctor's visit, a long trip to the store... plus everything else I'd normally do on the weekend. And now I have to post. My poor brain just doesn't have a coherent thought in it.
I could post a picture of the holly bush in my front yard I took the other day. I have way too much fun with my macro lens.
Or maybe one of my baby pouting at me?
How about my daughter's goofy pose and bright blue eyes?
I could post a picture of the holly bush in my front yard I took the other day. I have way too much fun with my macro lens.
Or maybe one of my baby pouting at me?
How about my daughter's goofy pose and bright blue eyes?
And... now my sister just called in tears and needs me to go pick her up so she can stay the night on my couch. So that's all you get. Cross your fingers for a calmer day tomorrow, okay?
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Dear Santa
Dear Santa,
I know it's been a long time since I wrote you a letter. You probably didn't expect to hear from me this year either, but I have a few things on my list that I don't think even Amazon carries, so I figured it couldn't hurt to ask you. After all, you're the one who's supposed to be made of magic, right?
I want to be off the damn anti-depressants that steal my ability to cry, my sex drive, make me gain weight, and take away the highs, as well as the lows. But I want to be off them, without being in a hole. I'm tired of the world being a dark bleak place Santa. Maybe I just need a visit to the North Pole with you?
I really want to be a better mother. More patient, more loving, kinder, calmer, and more temperate. Slower to anger, more imaginative, less worried about the mess and more involved in their worlds. This might be a pretty big request. I hope you've got some really talented elves.
I would give anything for things to be easier for Christopher. I want him to not have to fight for everything. I don't want his life to be perfect, just not so hard all the time. As you know, he's such a special boy, he just needs a hand.
And while we're talking about my kids - do you think you could make them get along, just once in a while? They spend an awful lot of time screaming at each other. Actually - doing this one thing would go a long way in making me a better mother. It's a lot easier to be a calm, happy mom when there's less screaming.
Could you find S a new job, or make his manager move to Siberia or something? I'm not sure what exactly needs to happen, but he is really miserable in his work lately and when Daddy's not happy, nobody's happy!
Oh yes - could you lace our Christmas dinner with Xanax, or Fairy Dust, or whatever it's going to take to make my mother be human for this one? I'm scared. You know what she's like, and this is an important Christmas to me. My first one hosting, the first one where I'm the grown up, not just a kid. I'm not asking for a miracle, just 12 hours of not horrible behavior from her. Please?
And there are a few people I have met online lately who could really use a visit from you this year too Santa. I won't name names, but little girls having surgery, grown up girls with health issues, moms who've lost their children, people who've lost their jobs... the list goes on. Isn't there something in your bag for them too?
Well Santa, I think that about covers it. I've got lots of cookies and other yummy treats - and I'm not above bribery. You name it, I'll bake it. But I'm counting on you, so please don't let me down.
Hoping to have a Merry Christmas,
Love
Jennifer
I know it's been a long time since I wrote you a letter. You probably didn't expect to hear from me this year either, but I have a few things on my list that I don't think even Amazon carries, so I figured it couldn't hurt to ask you. After all, you're the one who's supposed to be made of magic, right?
I want to be off the damn anti-depressants that steal my ability to cry, my sex drive, make me gain weight, and take away the highs, as well as the lows. But I want to be off them, without being in a hole. I'm tired of the world being a dark bleak place Santa. Maybe I just need a visit to the North Pole with you?
I really want to be a better mother. More patient, more loving, kinder, calmer, and more temperate. Slower to anger, more imaginative, less worried about the mess and more involved in their worlds. This might be a pretty big request. I hope you've got some really talented elves.
I would give anything for things to be easier for Christopher. I want him to not have to fight for everything. I don't want his life to be perfect, just not so hard all the time. As you know, he's such a special boy, he just needs a hand.
And while we're talking about my kids - do you think you could make them get along, just once in a while? They spend an awful lot of time screaming at each other. Actually - doing this one thing would go a long way in making me a better mother. It's a lot easier to be a calm, happy mom when there's less screaming.
Could you find S a new job, or make his manager move to Siberia or something? I'm not sure what exactly needs to happen, but he is really miserable in his work lately and when Daddy's not happy, nobody's happy!
Oh yes - could you lace our Christmas dinner with Xanax, or Fairy Dust, or whatever it's going to take to make my mother be human for this one? I'm scared. You know what she's like, and this is an important Christmas to me. My first one hosting, the first one where I'm the grown up, not just a kid. I'm not asking for a miracle, just 12 hours of not horrible behavior from her. Please?
And there are a few people I have met online lately who could really use a visit from you this year too Santa. I won't name names, but little girls having surgery, grown up girls with health issues, moms who've lost their children, people who've lost their jobs... the list goes on. Isn't there something in your bag for them too?
Well Santa, I think that about covers it. I've got lots of cookies and other yummy treats - and I'm not above bribery. You name it, I'll bake it. But I'm counting on you, so please don't let me down.
Hoping to have a Merry Christmas,
Love
Jennifer
Friday, December 11, 2009
Cookies and Kids
Three pans of brownies, (mint, caramel pecan and plain) 22 1/2 dozen cookies, (chocolate chip, chocolate chip w/pecan and chocolate peanut butter chip) 20 muffins and 8 mini loaves of zucchini bread. That's the baking grand total for this week. Somehow it just doesn't seem like that much written there, but my freezer is getting perilously close to full, I've gone through 5lbs of flour, 5lbs of sugar, over 2lbs of butter and almost 2 dozen eggs, plus many other assorted ingredients. Only one batch of burned cookies, and only one small burn on me so far. This is impressive. I'm a klutz. Next week it's sugar cookies, chocolate covered popcorn, fruitcake cookies and truffles.
Okay, I'm all out of words for tonight, sorry. My brain is fried. Joshua has strep and was up from 1-4:30 last night with a fever, so I was, of course, up with him. I'm going to toss in the Christmas pictures I took of the kids and call this an entry.
Okay, I'm all out of words for tonight, sorry. My brain is fried. Joshua has strep and was up from 1-4:30 last night with a fever, so I was, of course, up with him. I'm going to toss in the Christmas pictures I took of the kids and call this an entry.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Christmas Past and Present
The Holidailies writing prompt for today is Home Alone. I saw it this morning and have been turning it over in my head all day. There are a few directions I could go with it. I guess that's the point of a prompt, to get you thinking, get your creative thought processes in gear. But see, I've been trying to stick to lighter subject matter. Ever since I ended up in that last hole, and had to wonder how much of it was the fact that I was opening up doors I'd kept closed for a long time in posts here.
But as much as I'd like to go the 'what I'd do with a day alone at home' route, that's just not where my head wants to go. So let's go ahead and expose a few more skeletons and hope for the best.
The year I was 16 I spent Christmas alone, away from home. I was in the psychiatric hospital I've talked about before. My mother, a single parent with 3 other children at home, made the 2 hour each way trip a few days before. She brought my presents for me to open, most of which I wasn't allowed to keep anyway. So she took them home with her. My father had been allowed to plea bargain on my abuse case shortly before Christmas, although I wouldn't find out about that for a while. Needless to say, he didn't come to visit me either.
I did make it home for the next Christmas. I'd learned what was expected of me, said what all the experts and doctors wanted to hear, and gotten out. But things at home were chaotic at best. I snuck out one time too many and ended up getting permanently kicked out of my mother's house a few days after Christmas. She slapped me across the face and called me a whore.
I spent the next 5 Christmases in varying states of sobriety, mostly trying to ignore the date. If I was high enough, it worked. One year Tony, my husband (at the time) was in jail, his mother bailed him out the day after Christmas. Another year we got a free tree on Christmas Eve from a lot that was closing down. I think that was the only time we ever had a tree. A church gave us gifts one time. That was the same year as the tree. I know the first year I spent it in tears, all day long, at some guy I didn't even know's house, while Tony was gone all day, trying to score.
Christmases since I've been with S have been completely different. Good. Family oriented, even before we had our own family. I've stopped dreading December. But this year... his Mom and Dad will be here, something I'm looking forward to. But so will my mother and her husband. And that, I'm not. I'm worried about how my mother will react to not being the center of attention. What she's going to do to embarrass me, how she's going to ruin things this time... she's got a track record of it. If we're lucky she'll find some excuse to not show. She's done that before too. And while I feel guilty for thinking this way about my own mother, I can't help it. So this year I'm just hoping that everyone else doesn't end up wishing they'd stayed Home Alone. And that's not the way I've come to enjoy feeling about Christmas.
But as much as I'd like to go the 'what I'd do with a day alone at home' route, that's just not where my head wants to go. So let's go ahead and expose a few more skeletons and hope for the best.
The year I was 16 I spent Christmas alone, away from home. I was in the psychiatric hospital I've talked about before. My mother, a single parent with 3 other children at home, made the 2 hour each way trip a few days before. She brought my presents for me to open, most of which I wasn't allowed to keep anyway. So she took them home with her. My father had been allowed to plea bargain on my abuse case shortly before Christmas, although I wouldn't find out about that for a while. Needless to say, he didn't come to visit me either.
I did make it home for the next Christmas. I'd learned what was expected of me, said what all the experts and doctors wanted to hear, and gotten out. But things at home were chaotic at best. I snuck out one time too many and ended up getting permanently kicked out of my mother's house a few days after Christmas. She slapped me across the face and called me a whore.
I spent the next 5 Christmases in varying states of sobriety, mostly trying to ignore the date. If I was high enough, it worked. One year Tony, my husband (at the time) was in jail, his mother bailed him out the day after Christmas. Another year we got a free tree on Christmas Eve from a lot that was closing down. I think that was the only time we ever had a tree. A church gave us gifts one time. That was the same year as the tree. I know the first year I spent it in tears, all day long, at some guy I didn't even know's house, while Tony was gone all day, trying to score.
Christmases since I've been with S have been completely different. Good. Family oriented, even before we had our own family. I've stopped dreading December. But this year... his Mom and Dad will be here, something I'm looking forward to. But so will my mother and her husband. And that, I'm not. I'm worried about how my mother will react to not being the center of attention. What she's going to do to embarrass me, how she's going to ruin things this time... she's got a track record of it. If we're lucky she'll find some excuse to not show. She's done that before too. And while I feel guilty for thinking this way about my own mother, I can't help it. So this year I'm just hoping that everyone else doesn't end up wishing they'd stayed Home Alone. And that's not the way I've come to enjoy feeling about Christmas.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Oddly Phobic
Have I ever mentioned that I'm afraid of heights? I've always said it's a good thing I'm short, because I get dizzy standing on a kitchen chair and looking down. Movies do it all the time with those shots where the pan around looking down off tall buildings. Hate those. I have a two-story house and I never ever look over the bannister from the second floor. I'll throw laundry down, but I won't look.
So would you believe that on Sunday I was the one climbing on top of the garage hanging Christmas lights? Really! Look!
So would you believe that on Sunday I was the one climbing on top of the garage hanging Christmas lights? Really! Look!
And here's one after that part was done so you can see where I was:
I was on the garage, on the right. See, my problem with heights (other than the fact that I always spell it wrong the first time and have to correct myself) isn't the up part. I can climb up anywhere. And I actually enjoy being up on things. I just have a small problem coming down. It took S a good 5-10 minutes to talk me off the roof. Literally :) Once it was time for me to come down I froze. I decided it was a much better idea to stay up there. Luckily we both know this is how it goes, so S knows how to talk me through it. And, obviously, I did come down. I find it kind of funny that I have no problem going up, even knowing I can't come down. I'm just odd.
So tell me - what weird ways do your phobias manifest? I can't be the only odd duck out here!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Not so secret family recipe
I read through the Holidailies Portal yesterday and now I feel utterly inadequate. There are some amazingly talented writers there, and here I am posting grocery lists and pictures of my kids. But it takes more than being completely outclassed to make me quit, so you're still stuck with me.
Today's post, one of stunning literary ability is... my husband's chili recipe. :) But hey! I took pictures too. So I can compare badly to PW too! Vegetarians should probably get their hate mail pens ready.
Today's post, one of stunning literary ability is... my husband's chili recipe. :) But hey! I took pictures too. So I can compare badly to PW too! Vegetarians should probably get their hate mail pens ready.
The cast:
2lbs ground chuck
3lbs ground pork
1lg onion (already diced, in the tupperware)
3cans kidney beans
28oz diced tomatos
28oz crushed tomatos
14oz tomato sauce
4-5 bell peppers, assorted colors
not pictured - 1 whole tomato
(note - makes enough to feed small country)
Step 1
Convince husband that HE wants to do all the chopping.
(actually, he volunteered. Kind of.)
Isn't that pretty?
Meanwhile...
Brown the meat with the onion.
This will take at least 2 batches depending on the size of your pan. I have a really big pan.
Drain off the fat.
Spice Team!
Okay, sugar technically isn't a spice. Work with me here.
And yes, I already put the chili powder in when I remembered I needed to take the picture.
1/2 c chili powder
1 1/2 TBSP garlic powder
1/2 TBSP crushed red pepper
1-2 TBSP sugar
1 TBSP salt
(the paprika goes in later. I'm allergic.)
Dump everything into a large pot. Reserve a couple handfuls of the veggies for later.
Stir.
Good luck. It's thick. And very hard to stir. And I need a sturdier spoon.
Transfer into very full 6qt crock pot.
Cook for about 6 hours on low.
Taste mid afternoon. Add more chili powder or other spices if necessary.
(almost always is. I don't remember the last time I didn't add a little more chili powder)
Add in reserved veggies. Cook 1 more hour on high.
And it will look like this. Ignore the mess in the background. And the fact that I suck taking pictures.
Top with cheese. (or whatever. S eats his with cheese, sour cream and cornbread)
Eat.
Die happy.
S came up with this recipe after much trial and error (rosemary? in chili?) years ago. Every single person who has ever tried it has absolutely loved it. This version is not spicy at all. That's my fault. I'm allergic to paprika, and a complete wuss when it comes to any other spice. It has a full lovely chili flavor though. What happens at our house is about an hour before we eat, we take a medium sized pot's worth out of the crock pot where S adds paprika, Louisiana Hot Sauce, and a whole jalapeno. It spices it up nicely for him. I have no idea how much of what you'd have to add to make the whole batch hot. I'm sure you could cut the recipe to make a smaller batch, but it freezes well. I end up freezing it in individual servings, then I just pop them in the microwave straight from the freezer. That's if we manage to make it without my mother inviting herself over for dinner and leftovers. Anytime she hears we're making chili she comes over for dinner. So we try not to tell her we're making it :)
Monday, December 7, 2009
I'm too busy for a title....
I did get the kids together to make the salt dough ornaments. That was fun. Kind of. The boys pooped out on us quicker than I expected. Luckily there's nothing on earth Lexie likes more than arts and crafts so she happily sat there painting ornaments.
A few of those will go with the baked goods as teacher gifts, and some are already on the tree. I kept having to convince Joshua that despite their appearance, the unpainted ornaments were not cookies. Guess it wasn't helpful that we cut them out with the same cutters that we do our sugar cookies with. We'll do those late next week, with frosting and sprinkles. Those, he can eat!
And lastly - something I'm going to try to do through this month of posting - a few small things I'm grateful for, or that make me happy. I spend a lot of time not paying attention to the little things in life, taking it for granted. So I'm going to try to pay attention here.
Central heat. It's 28 outside right now, and nice and toasty in my house.
My microwave. Every morning I eat oatmeal, and it's ready in under 3 minutes. Not to mention all the other things I heat in a hurry.
2-ply toilet paper. So soft and absorbent. And I get to throw it away when I'm done with it.
Hand lotion. Because central heat does have it's draw backs.
Happy Holidailies everyone!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
I MUST be insane....
You should too!
I typed this up elsewhere online last night, but then realized I should put it here as well - if only so I have an accessible copy of it!
I think I have come up with my holiday baking list...
For neighbors and teachers:
For neighbors and teachers:
Chocolate truffles. Possibly with raspberry and or orange chocolate variations. (from PW's recipe)
Chocolate covered popcorn.
Brownies. Possibly with mint. Probably with fresh pecans from my mothers tree.
Sugar cookies. Or maybe mini zucchini bread. Just so there's something that isn't chocolate. Any votes?
And then, for home...
And then, for home...
Chocolate chip cookies w/fresh pecans (by request of S.)
Fruitcake cookies. Which bear no resemblance whatsoever to fruitcake, thankfully, and are S's Granny's recipe.
Fruitcake cookies. Which bear no resemblance whatsoever to fruitcake, thankfully, and are S's Granny's recipe.
My GreatGrandmother's sugar cookies. Which the kids then get to frost and decorate. It's messy as all heck, but a family tradtion and a lot of fun.
S's Granny's poundcake.
I'm never going to get to leave the kitchen again. Please have all mail forwarded to the counter next to the stove! And someone want to volunteer to take dictation so I can fulfill my posting duties while covered in chocolate and flour? :) I can pay you in taste testing privileges!
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Christmas is coming.... And Mommy's getting stressed!
I'm slowly getting into this whole Christmas thing this year. I put the tree up. It's still naked, but it's up. I hung lighted garland. And I put my village up. I realized that I haven't even begun to think about all the baking I need to do. Our entire neighborhood exchanges goodies, I need some for all the teachers at school, some for S to take to work, plus the stuff my family will want to eat... Then I scheduled a panic attack. It's for 3:00 next Saturday, when I'm up to my eyebrows in flour, chocolate chips and little helpers, if anyone feels like joining me. I bought paint and brushes, so I can make salt dough ornaments with my short people.
And, for the first time EVER, I'm hosting Christmas. This has me slightly panicky. I tried to convince S that I needed a pre-Christmas present of a maid service to deep clean the house for me, but I don't think he went for it. His mom and dad will be here on the 22nd. I don't think that gives me enough time to clean. I am a lousy housekeeper in the best of circumstances, which these past few weeks haven't been. You know that saying you could eat off the floor... well, you could probably eat for a good week off the food on my floor right now. Plus everything needs a good dusting, or scrubbing, or whatever it is I haven't done to it. And the carpets need to be... I was going to say cleaned, but realistically burned would be better. Unfortunately new flooring wasn't in Santa's budget anymore than a maid was, so cleaned will have to do. I'm guessing I'll find time for that in between my typical stuff like feeding the kids, running errands and whatnot plus all the baking, wrapping, decorating, ornament making, cleaning.... hmmm, looks like I'm giving up peeing. That's the only time I have left.
(she says as she sits on her lazy bum, typing on the computer. Hush, say I!)
You know what I can't find locally? Advent calendars. I decided on November 30th I wanted some. Nobody around here has even heard of the dang things. All I wanted was 3 cheesy little calendars with cheap waxy chocolate behind little cardboard doors for my kids. Nope. Guess I'll have to order them from Amazon next year. That requires pre-planning. Don't they know I suck at that?
Okay, must actually think about getting off the couch to go get the children from school. They tend to get grumpy if I neglect to do that.
And, for the first time EVER, I'm hosting Christmas. This has me slightly panicky. I tried to convince S that I needed a pre-Christmas present of a maid service to deep clean the house for me, but I don't think he went for it. His mom and dad will be here on the 22nd. I don't think that gives me enough time to clean. I am a lousy housekeeper in the best of circumstances, which these past few weeks haven't been. You know that saying you could eat off the floor... well, you could probably eat for a good week off the food on my floor right now. Plus everything needs a good dusting, or scrubbing, or whatever it is I haven't done to it. And the carpets need to be... I was going to say cleaned, but realistically burned would be better. Unfortunately new flooring wasn't in Santa's budget anymore than a maid was, so cleaned will have to do. I'm guessing I'll find time for that in between my typical stuff like feeding the kids, running errands and whatnot plus all the baking, wrapping, decorating, ornament making, cleaning.... hmmm, looks like I'm giving up peeing. That's the only time I have left.
(she says as she sits on her lazy bum, typing on the computer. Hush, say I!)
You know what I can't find locally? Advent calendars. I decided on November 30th I wanted some. Nobody around here has even heard of the dang things. All I wanted was 3 cheesy little calendars with cheap waxy chocolate behind little cardboard doors for my kids. Nope. Guess I'll have to order them from Amazon next year. That requires pre-planning. Don't they know I suck at that?
Okay, must actually think about getting off the couch to go get the children from school. They tend to get grumpy if I neglect to do that.
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