Estranged

I tried to call my father today.  (for those who don't know this will help you catch up here.)

His number is disconnected, so I didn't talk to him.  I have no clue what I would have said if he'd answered.  I'm not even sure why I tried.  I think I feel bad for him.  It's got to be hard on him, this time of year, being estranged from both of his daughters.  Knowing he has grandchildren who don't, and probably never will, know him. 

My calling him isn't completely unprecedented.  We've been in and out of contact over the past few years.  And it's almost always like this.  Something makes me feel guilty for keeping him out of my life, so I hunt him down, initiate contact.  We talk or email off and on for a while.  We've even seen each other a couple of times.  But I just can't maintain it.  See, he still denies, with every conversation, everything.  And I still, even knowing I'll never get it, need him just once, to admit it, and accept responsibility for what he did to me.  So after a few months the calls get fewer and further between, it takes me longer and longer to respond to emails, until finally we've lost contact again.  I don't do it purposely.  I really don't.  But that's how it always happens.

I think part of me always hopes that this time he'll do it - he'll apologize, and be the Daddy I always wanted.  I tell myself it will never happen.  I know it will never happen.  And at 33, I'm old enough not to need a Daddy anymore anyway.  But it doesn't stop the wanting.  And maybe this time of year makes it harder on me too.  It is a time for family and togetherness, and I will never have the family I wish for.  It makes me sad.  

I do have an email address for him.  I haven't decided if I want to try it.  Knowing I have this pattern of getting closer and the backing away, would it even be fair to him?  Believe it or not, I do still love him, and I don't want to cause him any pain.  And assuming I decide that it's not unfair to him, would it really do me any good?  Is there any real point?  Sometimes hope is a futile emotion, and I really think this may be one of those times.  So why keep trying?

But it is Christmas.  And miracles do happen.  And he is my father.  The only one I get.  Would it really do me any harm to find him, to send him pictures of his grandchildren?  To tell him that I love him, in spite of everything?  Don't I owe him that much at least?  Why aren't there ever any easy answers?