Monday, November 30, 2009

November 30th!

HOLY CATS!  I did it!  NaBloPoMo!  Okay, so I had a little help.  I outsourced 2 posts. :)  And there were probably only 5 or 6 posts all month that I wrote that were really worth reading.  But I did it!  Next stop Blogathon?  Don't hold your breath.  But I've considered it....

Oh, I have to publicly thank My Life With Boys!  Thanks to her link in my comments yesterday, I was able to get the kids matching jammies for cheap.  So she gets the cookie.  You rock MLWB!

I have a busy day today - getting back into the swing of things after the long weekend.  So this is all you get.  But I made it!! :)  And I might not even post tomorrow!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

29

For the record I know how very lucky I am to have a husband like S.  Although I think he must be slightly insane to not only put up with me, but to love me the way he does, I'm sure as heck not trying to talk him out of it!

Today marks the first day in weeks when I haven't felt like the world was crashing in on me.  I actually woke up in a good mood!  I guess the increase in meds is working.  Although I'm still having nasty side effects from the doubled dose.  Within a couple hours of taking them, I feel like I'm vibrating, I get anxious and antsy, then the headache and nausea kick in.  It's lots of fun, I can tell you.  But I know my body will adapt, and if it makes me feel like I might actually be capable of getting out of bed, then it's worth it.  Now if I could just find my Christmas Spirit, I'd be good.

I did go up to the attic to bring down the boxes of decorations today, which is a good first step.  Mainly because I needed to see if the new lights we bought matched the old lights we have for the outside of the house, which of course they don't.  So I need to try and find the right kind.  We didn't have enough to do the whole front of the house last year, and couldn't find anymore of the same ones, so we're trying to find them this year.  So now I have 2 boxes to exchange.  Oh yay.  I was hoping to do it this afternoon, but that was before the med blah's kicked in.  Now I'm not so sure I'm up for it.  We'll see how I feel in a few hours.

One of my favorite decorations at Christmas time is my Village.  You know, the little houses that light up?  I've been collecting them since Lex was little, and I usually get a new house every year.  This year we have 2 new kittens who climb everything and I'm very worried about putting it up.  I'd hate for them to end up knocking something down and break it.  I had that happen last time we had kittens and it broke my heart.  And some of the pieces are irreplaceable.  So I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it this year.  I'm tempted to just not put it up at all.

Oh - and I realized I was wrong.  I'm not done Christmas shopping.  I still have to buy the kids Christmas Eve jammies.  Every year they get new jammies that they get to open on Christmas Eve.  It's been a tradition every single year since Lexie was born, and I forgot about it until Lexie reminded me!  Bad mommy, no cookie!  So I have to add that to my to do list too.

But right now I think the first thing on my list is to cuddle this boy sitting next to me who keeps giving me kisses.  Kind of hard to resist that!  Also makes it hard to type, so I'm out! 

Saturday, November 28, 2009

S's Guest Post

Hmmm...  Well, Jennifer has asked me to do a post for her.  Problem is, as you probably guessed, I am not sure what to say.  I am not a mommy, not female (obviously) and likely don't share as many commonalities with the readers here as comfort would hope.  I guess the one thing we do have in common, though, is Jennifer herself...though I am pretty sure, or at least hope, that I am more familiar with her than those reading.

I could start off declaring her the best mother ever, or the best wife or even the best person.  All of those things are subjective, though.  I can say, with great certainty, however, that she is the best possible wife for me. 
Believe it or not, I am not perfect.  (I know.  That's hard to believe...especially given her previous relationships.)  I can be be stubborn, moody, hardheaded (even bullheaded) and the list goes on.  In spite of me, though, she still loves me.  She has often said that I deserve better than her.  I can honestly say, without any concern of departing the truth, that I got the best end of this deal.  She loves me...without condition, in spite of me...and, yes, in some ways because of me.  And that is something that I question whether or not I deserve...or ever could.
For over 10 years now, I have gone to sleep every night with her cuddled up with me, and awakened to her lying next to me (unless she happened to get up before me, which is rare).  For over 10 years, she has forgiven my failings and overlooked my shortcomings.  She has loved me, for me.

When I look back over the nightmare that was much of her life, I am awestruck that she is even sane.  That she can still love so wholly is nothing short of miraculous. 
That I can not make all the negative of her past simply go away is my greatest torment.  When I bought that ticket, 10 years, 1 month and 2 weeks ago, I knew I was "saving" her from something bad.  Unfortunately, what I can "rescue" her from is limited to the outside.  Though I assure you, were God to grant me the avenue, there is no demon that I would not face for her.  For her, my wife, my love, the most loving and forgiving woman I have ever known. 
And if I had to describe her with one word, that would be it...Love.  Whatever her own shortcomings, whether as a wife or mother (and yes, there are very few), the one thing that is never absent is love.  No matter how down, frustrated or agitated she may be...whether it is with me or the children...there is never an absence of love.  And because of that, more than any other reason, she is a wonderful wife, a wonderful mother and a wonderful person.

She, of course, would disagree with my description of her.  That's okay.  That is part of who she is.  Fortunately, I get to see her without having to peer through the dark glass of her past.

Friday, November 27, 2009

27

Well heck.  I was going to surprise Lexie with a trip to the theater to see New Moon, since she is a Twilight freak, but it's sold out all weekend.  Guess I should have expected that, huh?  Good thing I was keeping it a surprise, so I don't have a disappointed little girl here.  Maybe next weekend will be slower.

Our Thanksgiving was good.  Lowkey, and calm.  The ham was yummy, and Christopher even TRIED A BITE!!  This is such a huge deal.  He eats hamburgers, peanut butter sandwiches, chicken nuggets, pizza, and cheese quesadillas for lunch and dinner.  That's it.  I was beyond thrilled.  He ate the first bite, went back for a second, but had a hard time with that one.  I asked him if he was done with the ham, and he said yes and spit it on his plate.  I don't care.  He TRIED a new food!  Willingly!  Go Bubby!

I also finished my Christmas shopping yesterday.  Oh, okay.  Almost finished.  I still have my secret santa to buy for (for the record - if you read this secret person - you are HARD to buy for!) and I have to finish the calendars I make for the grandparents every year and order those.  But otherwise, I. am. done.!

So when does everyone do the Christmas tree thing?  Usually we do it this weekend, but I realized today that neither S or I has mentioned it.  I'm having a hard time getting into the holiday spirit this year, and have very little interest in the whole tree and decorating rigmarole.  I'd have no problems waiting a few more weeks before getting into all that, but then I feel guilty, knowing the kids love it.  Either way, I don't think it's happening today, that's for sure!

Okay, there's a pecan pie out there calling my name.  Only 3 more posts to go!!  I hope everyone had a fantastic day yesterday, and a great weekend coming up!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

26 - Giving Thanks

Today, it's traditional in America to give thanks.  I have so very very much to be thankful for.

My husband.  Who loves me in spite of myself.  He is always there for me, always supportive.

My children.  They may drive me batty sometimes but they make life worth living. They are my heart.

My home.  I know how blessed I am to have a warm, safe house with plenty of space for us and all of our assorted crap.

My health and the health of my family.

Kitties who snuggle and purr and wake me up kneading on my head at night.  Although I could do without the kneading on my head part.

The smell of the ham cooking in the oven right now, and the anticipation of sitting down to share a good meal with the people I love most soon.

The knowledge that my children have never known true hunger. 

The women I have met through this blog, the now defunct OHiH and SIP who are so wonderfully supportive and caring.  Thank you all for being there for me!  I hope you are all having a wonderful Thanksgiving yourselves.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

25

I have an excuse, really!  First, I tackled the laundry - a job that took me most of the morning.  Then, I had a command performance at my mother's today.  I had to drive over 20 miles to pick up my sister, and then go to my mothers house.  On the plus side I got pie.  Obviously I'll go to great lengths for pie.  Then, when I got home, S wanted to go out to eat.  That's why my post is so late today!

So now we're finally home, the boys are on the computer together, and S and Lexie are watching some horror movie together.  S is a scary movie freak, and he's turned our poor, sweet, innocent daughter into one as well.  I personally am not much into the horror movies.  Gore is nauseating.  I don't like being scared.  Nope, I just don't get it.  Ooh, ewww.  This one is starting off bad.  I trust S not to show Lexie anything TOO much, but.... yuck.

What I think is funny is he lets her watch all the violence she wants, but makes her close her eyes, or changes the channel as soon as any mention of sex comes on.  I think I'd rather she watched acts of love than hate, personally.  Or...neither yet.  She is only 8.  But it might be too late for that.  She begs to watch scary movies.  And it's all S's fault!  Although he did give up on that one - we're watching Darkness Falls now.  Good thing Lex already knows the Tooth Fairy isn't real!

Speaking of movies - after watching a Ben10 episode the other day, Joshua told me he was going to beat me like a Whack-a-Mole.  And I worry about the violence Lexie watches?  Cartoons are way more violent.  Just a lot less realistic, and not made to be scary. 

Okay, I'm out for the night.  I'll do my best to get in earlier tomorrow.  Not that anyone will be online, but I feel guilty being late!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

24

Some things I want to remember -

Joshua, instead of calling it a doorbell, calls it a "dingbell."

Christopher, a few days ago put his shirt on backwards.  He came to me and told me "my shirt took a wrong turn." 

I have to go grocery shopping today.  Oh joy.  Luckily I can do it while 2/3 of my kids are at school, which makes it about 150% easier.  Yeah, I know, the math doesn't add up, but it seldom does when it comes to kids.  Today is the last day of school this week, so I have to get it done today.  Oh heck.  I have to go to Sam's after school.... since I have a command performance at my mother's tomorrow.  Ew.  Who's got the vodka?  I'm going to need it!

I'm getting frustrated with the slow progress on getting Lexie evaluated for ADHD.  I got the paperwork done for the doctor the beginning of the month, but they're still waiting on insurance.  I haven't heard anything from the school.  I'll contact them on Monday.  I know, it's a bad time of year for this - lots of kids being eval'd.  And the holidays.  But I'm not good at patience.

Christopher's new IEP is coming along swimmingly though.  I should be getting the second rough draft today, and the final meeting is on the 1st.  Thank you SO much won and 'ssippi scoup for all your help and support with that.  It amazes me how much they just gave me when I said "I want."  Something I'd never done before.
Okay, time for food, and cleaning, and doing something productive.  Hopefully I'll manage a more interesting post tomorrow. 

Monday, November 23, 2009

23

One week to go!  I can't believe I've made it this far! 


I've sat here for at least 5 minutes now staring at the blinky cursor waiting for inspiration to strike.  Hmmm.  Okay, cop-out time! 



5 Things Meme
 
5 Things I was Doing 10 years Ago
  1.living in Louisiana
  2. I discoved the internet in '99 via WebTV
  3. met some crazy guy there who bought me a bus ticket
  4. ran away in the middle of the night via Greyhound bus
  5. moved to Oklahoma


5 Things On My To-Do List Today:
  1. Doctor appointment
  2. take Christopher to school
  3. NaBloPoMo
  4. IComLeavWe
  5. I don't know... maybe feed the kids or something.  They might like that


5 Snacks I Love:
  1.Oreos.  Even though I shouldn't
  2. Wheat Thins Fiber Select Multigrain crackers
  3. Ritz crackers w/ cream cheese
  4. shaved ham
  5. EAS protein bars.  Especially the chocolate mint ones.


5 Things I Would Do If I Were A Millionaire:
  1.worry a lot less about money
  2.give a lot more to charity
  3. pay off all of our debt and cut up all of our credit cards
  4. afford a babysitter so I could actually go on a date with my husband in the first time in over 2 years
  5.give money to certain members of our families.  And secretly to a few people I know online.
*bonus #6!  Figure out why I can't get #1 to not be in bold! :)


5 Jobs I’ve Had:
  1.housekeeper at a hotel
  2.movie theater concessions stand
  3.in and outbound telemarketing
  4. dancer at an adult entertainment club
  5. Stay at home mom


 5 People I Tag:
  Angel 

  Erin 
Jeanette 
CPTWife
Janice

Sunday, November 22, 2009

22

First - thank you to everyone who commented on Lex's entry yesterday.  She loved writing it, and reading the comments.  I predict it won't be long before she's bugging me to set her up with her very own blog.  It amazes me how quickly today's generation grows into this kind of thing. 

For today, I figured I'd tackle a deeper topic, just for the heck of it.  I've mentioned self injury on this blog before, but not really talked about it. 

Growing up, I wasn't allowed to be angry.  Not outwardly at least.  Any signs of anger were immediately punished.  So I learned not to be angry.  Other negative emotions weren't exactly welcomed around my house either.  I was put on Prozac at 13.  I remember telling my therapist that I just chose not to feel.  It was easier that way.  It was somewhere around this time that a boy I knew, trying to prove he was all big and bad, cut himself with a razor in front of me.  Not ever one to be daunted, I grabbed it from him and did the same.  I still remember distinctly the feel of the blade, the fact that there was really very little pain - that it felt good to have that control.  It impressed the hell out that boy too, but that was beside the point by then.  It was my reaction that I was interested in, not his.

I bought my own pack of razor blades shortly thereafter.  I started small.  The tips of my fingers.  The backs of my fingers.  Until someone noticed.  I said a cat had scratched me, and could see the skepticism on their face.  I was more careful after that.  Only small cuts, only when I couldn't stand the build up of emotion anymore, and only where I could hide the evidence.  In times of really severe stress I would bite my fingers and knuckles, but people generally didn't notice that.  I managed to never break the skin.  Until at 16 I was sent to a psychiatric inpatient hospital.  On Orcas Island, where I grew up, I was the only one who was doing this kind of thing.  In the hospital, I was surrounded by it.  Hell, I was a baby by SI (self injury) standards in the hospital. 

There was one girl, who had tried to kill herself by stabbing herself in the stomach with a kitchen knife.  But it was a paring knife, so it only hurt, and made her bleed.  She said she knew what to do different next time.  There was Amber, who pulled out all her eyelashes, and had scars on her legs that read bitch and hate and fuck you and worthless mixed in with the more utilitarian straight and jagged scars she'd done with razors, knives... anything she could find.  And Holly.  Who had more scars than skin.  Her arms, her legs, her belly... She'd cut herself so much so often you could barely see her skin anymore.  And you couldn't give her anything metal.  Staples, pens, a notebook with a spiral binding, nothing.  She would tear it apart and insert it deep into herself.  She hated herself more than I could fathom.  Her stepfather had been raping her since she was a child and had given her pelvic inflammatory disease, and she'd recently found out that she'd been made sterile for life because of it.  

These are just three of the stories there.  There were many more.  Cabe with his letters written in blood,   Callie, a victim of Satanic Ritual Abuse at the hands of her father, my roomate for the first few days, whose name I don't even remember anymore, who, at the age of 11 was a strawberry (someone who trades sex for drugs)... an entire locked ward of damaged kids.  And in I come with my few little cuts, and my knuckles chewed raw from the stress of the drive to the hospital, my own history of abuse and my naivete.  Within the first 2 weeks I'd learned more about how to hurt myself than I'd ever thought about back on the island. 

When you're committed against your will (at least in the mid-90's), you're only allowed to be held for up to 2 weeks without a court hearing to determine whether or not you're a danger to yourself or others.  I was 1 day away from that hearing, from being released, when my roommate and I got a hold of a plastic ruler.  So what?  Well, when everything else you own is on lock down, you'd be amazed how much damage you can do to yourself with a broken piece of plastic.  I managed to carve up both arms.  I did it high up on my arms, where I thought I'd be safe.  I always had been before.  I didn't realize that before taking you to court they'd do a full body search, especially if you came in chewed up and marked up.  I earned myself an automatic 180 with that.  (180 days committal - they could keep me locked up for a full 6 months without another court date) 

The last time I cut myself I was 17.  I was out of the hospital, living in a halfway house.  I broke a lightbulb in my closet, and sliced up both lower arms, pretty badly.  I still have scarring, 16 years later.  At the time I had over 100 cuts on each arm.  The ones you can still see are the ones that should have been stitched, but the staff at the house was fed up by my acting out and refused to take me to the hospital.  Instead they started the process to have me readmitted to an inpatient facility.  That was the end for me.  I was tired of being passed around and decided to play the game so I could be released.  It worked, and I was was out about 4 months later.  And on the streets of Seattle, shooting drugs, living on a mattress under a bridge, set on an entirely different, but no less destructive lifestyle just a few months after that.

That all changed in my early 20's.  I've been clean since I was 22.  Met S when I was 23, moved to Oklahoma, and have had an amazing life.  But even now, I have a hard time dealing with negative emotions.  I lack healthy coping skills.  No, I don't cut.  But sometimes, when I get really stressed, when I realized that my antidepressants need to be adjusted, I get the urge.  It's insidious.  I remember the feeling of release, of relief.  That feeling of having control over the emotions, and wish I could have that again.  But I know it's not healthy.  And I won't do it.  I talk to S, call my doctor, adjust what needs to be adjusted.  And it goes away.

So, that's my history with SI - I hope that if you have someone who has issues with it in your life, maybe it has helped you understand them a little better.  If you're having trouble with with it yourself, please feel free to contact me.  I understand.  Email is in my profile.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

day 21 - guest post by Lexie *Updated*

Hi my name Lexie and I want to talk about my mom.  She is very nice, caring, and most of all very loving.  Some times she gets stressed with one 8 year old one 5 year old and one 3 year old so I get that.  I am very! very! very! happy that I have her for a mom.  I don"t know what I would do with out her!  Me and my brothers love her very much.  She is fun to play with too.


*ed note - I asked Lex to guest post for me today - handed her the computer and let her have at it.  I did correct spelling and spacing (you can all say thank you now), but the words are hers.  After reading, I asked her what she wanted.  She said "nothing!"  Paused.  And then said "except for McDonalds for lunch".  Little manipulator.  She's not getting it though.  Takes wayyyyy more kissing up than that!

*UPDATE *3:30 - She got McDonalds.  I'm a sucker.  :)

Friday, November 20, 2009

20

A random list of things I do not like :
  • head colds
  • chalk.  Even just the thought of it makes my teeth hurt.
  • sauerkraut
  • the word moist pertaining to anything other than food
  • dog slobber
  • seams in my socks
  • people who are rude
  • people with entitlement issues
  • the fact that yummy calorie free food doesn't exist
  • teething.  I don't care that my kids are done teething.  It still sucks.
  • the pause button.  Well, actually, Christopher's addiction to the pause button.  Every other second he pauses the darn t.v.  I'd like to smack whoever taught him that.
  • depression
  • people leaving me voicemail when it's not necessary.  If I know you - Mother - I will call you back.  If I don't know you, feel free to leave a message.
  • moths.  Creepy little things.  shudder
  • anything with too many eyes.  Or eyes in the wrong place.  That's just not right.
  • the sound of clapping, snapping, or any other sharp noise like that.  Applause is okay, because lots of hands make it not a sharp noise.  Yes, I'm weird
  • also the sound of fingernails on pretty much any hard surface.  Makes me cringe.  Do not like.
  • boys who pee all over the bathroom.  Okay, I still like the boys.  Don't like the pee.  Whose bright idea was it for little boys to pee standing up?
  • the fact that my zucchini didn't pollinate this summer.  I thought ANYONE could grow zucchini! 
  • okra
  • hummus
  • liars
Things I do like
  • my husband telling me to stay in bed this morning and get some extra sleep, because he's got the kids for me this time.  Thank you Love!
  • The boys who pee all over the bathroom.  Who are playing with each other and acting out a movie together right now
  • My little girl who left for school this morning with no arguing or fussing at all! 
  • The fact that I'm in the homestretch of NaBloPoMo!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

19

Another day, another post.  I can't believe there are people who post every single day, all the time.  Obviously they live way more interesting lives than I do.

Right now the most interesting thing around here is that Lexie finally got to go to school for the first time this week.  We are the house with typhoid again.  Okay, maybe not typhoid, but something not so fun.  Stuffy head, fever, headache, body aches, nasty cough... if I didn't know better I'd say we had the flu! I tried to get in for a swabbing, just to find out, but my doctor is booked up until Monday.  Lex has missed 3 days this week, S is home for the 2nd full day today, plus he came home early on Tuesday.  I'm coming down with it today.  The boys so far are illness free, but I harbor no illusions on that front.  I'm scheduling Clorox baths for everyone!

So, Thanksgiving is a week from today.  We're not having a traditional dinner here.  The past few years we've gone to my mother's house, but she moved earlier this year to a much smaller house (so my sister couldn't move in with her - seriously) and so she said they don't have room.  I offered my house, but we have cats that she is allergic to, although the severity of her allergy seems to change depending on how inconvenienced she is or how much she wants to be here at the time.  She said she just couldn't handle it.  So, it's just the 5 of us at our house, and my mother, her husband, my sister, and .... apparently a couple of guys from her husband's work.  Although she doesn't have room for company.  Oh well, whatever.

Anyway!  As I was saying!  Non-traditional dinner.  I'm the only one in the house who really loves turkey, and there is no sense in cooking one, so we're having ham.  Which is also fine by me, since I love ham too.  I will miss the stuffing... but there's always Christmas!  I'm making S's grandmother's mac&cheese, which I think is nasty, but he of course adores.  My mom is making me a pecan pie, which is very nice of her.  But I'm not sure what else we should have.  Any suggestions? 

Oh!  Angel over at Emily Makes Three gave me something so sweet today!  And a perfect day for it too... a day where I'm whiny and complaining, Angel gives me a heartfelt blogger award!  Thank you so much Angel. 


The rules..


* Display the award logo.
* Nominate up to 3 blogs that make you feel comfy or warm inside.
* Link to your nominees.
* Let them know they have been nominated by commenting
.
* Link to the person from whom you received the award.


I choose:


Shana


Heather


and  Dawn






Wednesday, November 18, 2009

November 18th



This is a familiar picture if you've ever been here before.  It's over there on the right.  Today I wanted to make sure you paid a little more attention to it.  Today, I'd like for you to go to won's blog and give her some extra kind thoughts.  It's a very hard day for her.

Wendy is an amazing woman.  A survivor herself, of things no woman should have to go through, she then went through every mother's nightmare.  Her life has been anything but easy, and yet she still reaches out to help people.  When I posted about my issues with Christopher's school, Wendy offered up her phone number, her advice, and her shoulder to lean on, almost as soon as I had the post written.  She's always there with a kind word and gentle encouragement.  I don't know that I could be that strong.

I never got to meet Olivia.  I've only gotten to know her through the words of a besotted and still grieving mother.  A mother who will never stop loving or missing her daughter.  And that's how it should be.  Wendy is an example of motherhood, the way I want to be.  When she tells stories of Olivia's life, her love for her little girl shines through.  And makes me wish I had the chance to meet this amazing young lady who wanted to change the world with a dollar, with the sweet smile, and heart that was just too big for this world. 

And there are no words I can say to help ease Wendy's pain.  There aren't any in any language.  But I can reassure a hurting mother that her child will not be forgotten.  So I sat down with my computer last night, and showed my own daughter Olivia's pictures, and told her some of Olivia's stories.  She was full of questions I couldn't answer, like what Olivia's favorite subject in school was, and her favorite flavor of ice cream.  Then she drew a picture and I lit some candles for Olivia.

Olivia Grace - your Mommy misses you, and the world is a dimmer place without you.



Tuesday, November 17, 2009

17

I have absolutely nothing to post about today.  Lexie is home sick for the 2nd day, S came home early sick as well (and yet he's in the weight room working out.  I can't decide, is that obsession, dedication, or lunacy?), and I'd actually for the first time this month forgotten about NaBloPoMo until about 5 minutes ago.  They both want my attention.  My house is a mess.  And apparently whiny is contagious, because I've sure got it!

So how about I slap up a few pictures and call this an entry?  Here's a really cute little Lexie.  She was 3, and in her RenFaire Princess costume for Halloween.




And here's a very cute 2 year old Christopher.  I love this picture of him.



How about this one of Lexie reading to Christopher?  Everybody's a critic!




Baby Joshy in his exersaucer -

And one more - Lex and Joshua.  I love the look on her face in this one.  So content.  She's going to grow up to be a good mommy.  She is a baby fiend already!




 Okay- I've fulfilled my duties for the day, even if I feel like I totally cheated.  Nobody ever said I had to post real content every day, right? 

Monday, November 16, 2009

16

click to make bigger

My dear and darling husband sent me this today in an email that just said - take notes.  Okay, well then, let's take some notes!

I see right off the bat that I'm going to have some problems.  I don't even own any heels.  Or a dress.  S doesn't wear a suit.  We're going to have to go shopping.  I'm okay with that.  I don't think S is going to like the suit though.  Or trading in our 3 kids for the 2 in the picture.  But this was his idea.

Next - dinner.  OH.  You mean I have to cook?  If you say so.  And you want it to be ready when S gets home?  But he doesn't even EAT when he gets home.  He does his workout.  Did he even read this thing before he sent it to me?

Prepare myself - make-up and ribbons in my hair.  I don't think I've worn a ribbon since I was 6.  I'll see if Lex has one I can borrow.  And the next line wants me to be a little gay.  Is that still politically correct?  Well, it would be interesting!  And if my husband has had a boring day, by Jove, I'll spice it up for him!  Who wants to volunteer to come and help?  Hmm, I might have to add a few things to that shopping trip....

Clear away the clutter?  Have these people ever seen my house?  It's nothing but clutter.  I do not have time to both cook and clean.  Build a fire?  And all of it done before S gets home.  They want the kids clean and QUIET?  Little treasures??  Are they smoking crack?  I'm starting to think the people who wrote this article have never actually been in a house with children.  Or possessions.  Or beds without restraints.

Greet him with a smile.  Finally!  Something I can do.  Hey, I even kiss him.  Hah!  Take that crazy article writers!

Oh come on now!  This is just getting ridiculous.  S's topics of conversation are not more important than mine. He would tell you that himself.  And if I have to have dinner waiting for him when he gets home, you bet your buttons I'm going to complain if he's late.  And I don't care if every computer in his network crashes and the entire data center burns down... if he stays out all night, I'm going to be one ticked off wife.  (taking notes S?)

I don't need to take off his shoes - he's got the kids trained to do that for him.  I guess I can get him a pillow... but I reserve the right to hit him over the head with it.

Oh - wait, I see.  A good wife knows her place.  And I know mine.  I'm the domestic engineer.  That means all these decisions fall to me, so I can say to hell with it all!

Cereal and toast for dinner, dust bunnies everywhere, noisy kids rushing daddy at the door when he gets home, me, sitting on the couch in my jeans, ribbonless, leaning up for my kiss, telling him that his kids are driving me crazy before asking how his day was.  All 5 of us loving each other, loving our crazy imperfect life. And I don't think S would change it either.  

Sunday, November 15, 2009

15

Cold and rainy outside today.  Perfect day for snuggling in front of a fire, or curling up in bed with a good book.  Unfortunately it's impossible to convince small children of that.  Mine, anyway.  They are little balls of boundless energy and need.  Mommy, you be bad spiderman?  Mommy, will you paint my nails?  Mommy, can I have food?  Mommy, watch me dance!  Mommy, help me with my Power Ranger costume?  Mommy, can I watch Ice Age?  Mommy?  Mommy??  Mommy!!

Growing up all I ever wanted was to be a Mommy.  Oh, I wanted to be a ballerina, an interior decorator, a teacher, a singer... but under and over and in between every other dream, I wanted to be a mother.  And I am.  I have these 3 amazing little people who call me Mommy.  Sometimes, often, I worry that I'm not doing a very good job.  After all, it's not like I had a good role model.  But I try.  I love them, with all my heart.  And I know them better than anyone else on this earth.  I could identify them by just the curve of Christopher's shoulder, the sound of Lexie's giggle, the scent of Joshua's neck.  I know who eats what, which one still needs help in the bathroom, the way to motivate each child to do which task, and how not to.  Until they change the rules on me again.  But I keep learning as they keep growing.

And they do keep growing.  Faster and faster.  From tiny infants to tipsy toddlers to solid little kids.  And sooner than I'll be ready for they'll be grown.  And I'll no longer be the one who knows them best.  I can't really imagine that yet, but I know it will happen.  That there will be someone else who knows the way Joshua likes his pork cooked, or the way Lexie prefers to keep her sock drawer.  That somebody else will know that curve of Christopher's shoulder as well as - or better than I do.

But not today.  Today they are still mine.  So I'll fix the costume, paint the nails, make the lunch, and sneak in a few cuddles here and there.  And hope when they're grown they know I loved them with all my heart.  I know I make mistakes.  I know there are a million things I could do better every day.  But I couldn't love them more if I tried.  They are my heart.     

Saturday, November 14, 2009

14 and SSS

Wow!  I have to thank you all SO much for all the support yesterday.  You are an amazing bunch of people. 


This NaBloPoMo thing is hard!  Oh, wait!!  It's Saturday!  I have an easy out.  It's Super Snapshot Saturday!  I love you Angel :)  Today's theme is funny.  I've got a good one for this if S will let me post it...

Head on over to Angel's blog to join in and show off your own funny pictures, and to see what everyone else is posting today!

Joshua loves to play dress up, and he was Batman.  He decided S needed to be the joker...












Friday, November 13, 2009

November 13th

Today is my mother's birthday.  Well.  Maybe.  You never know anything for sure with my mom.  I have a very complicated relationship with my mother.  And what better way to celebrate her birthday than by telling the entire internet!

The first thing I have to tell you is that I do love my mother.  And I believe she loves me, in whatever capacity she is capable of.  That being said...

I don't remember feeling loved as a child by my mother.  A burden, an annoyance, a possession, a disappointment, an enemy, sure.  Now, granted, I've spoken here before about my lack of memories from my childhood, so there could very easily be many many good things in my past that I just don't have access to.  I'm not discounting that possibility.  But the memories I do have - being in 4th grade, coming home excited about getting an A on a spelling test, and her telling me to stop fishing for compliments.  Being put in charge of my 3 year old sister when I was 9 for the hours after school until my mother got home from work, including picking her up from daycare, and being yelled at for not getting the house cleaned.  Being called a slut when I was still a virgin.  Repeatedly.  Until I decided I may as well earn the damn title.  Having to skip days of high school to stay home to take care of my youngest 2 sisters, or trying to attend class with an 18 month old and a 4 month old.

Now - to be fair - the childcare duties were mostly so my mother could work to support us.  Four children and very little or no child support makes it very hard.  But I was a kid.  And I was a messed up kid already, thanks to my father.  So it's no wonder I started acting out.

Another thing about my mother - she is a compulsive liar.  About everything.  Little things that don't matter to anyone. Like her birthday.  Growing up, her birthday was June 13th.  According to her driver's license it still is.  But according to my mother, she got some paperwork from her sister a number of years ago claiming it was a mistake of her birth certificate, and her birthday is actually November 13th.  So that's when we celebrate it.  And big things that hurt people very badly.  Like the one my sister and I grew up believing about my sister being a twin.  According to my mother, my sister A was a twin, born early, weighing just over 2lbs.  Our "sister" weighed even less, lived 3 days.  Every year on A's birthday my mother would make a show of being brave, of celebrating while mourning.  Only one small problem.  There was no twin.  A wasn't born early.  I remember seeing her in the hospital nursery, a healthy baby, and we have a picture of me holding her at 2 weeks old, and she is obviously no preemie.  It's taken A most of her adult life to come to grips with the fact that she is not a twin - a fact that she'd always accepted as part of who she was.

And then there's the one where my mother told me I was the cause of her losing custody of my 2 youngest sisters.  When in reality she willingly gave them to their father.  And then couldn't get them back because she chose to stay married to an abusive man.  But to this day, she still claims it was because of me.  The thing about my mothers lies is we've come to the realization that she believes them.  On some level, she's convinced herself of their veracity.

When I was 16 I ended up inpatient at a psychiatric hospital for 3 months.  I made it home for 2, and then went back in for 6.  (Remind me to tell you all those stories sometime if you're interested.)  Within 4 months of getting home - I was kicked out of my mother's house.  I was 17.  I didn't talk to her for a year or so - got back into contact with her, then she moved and I had no idea how to find her.  When I was 23 I tracked down my ex-stepfather, my youngest sister's father, and through them, found her.

In the years since it's been tumultuous at best.  Having my children calmed her.  I have something she wants now.  Kind of.  Grandchildren are sweet, and great in pictures, but noisy and messy and inconvenient if dealt with too often in person. There was a 3 or 4 month period in there where my mother didn't speak to me because she found out I was speaking to my father.  I've learned how I'm expected to act - I'm to be grateful for everything she ever did for me.  At all times.  And I must apologize at least 2 or 3 times a year for all the hell I put her through as a troubled teen.  She still holds that against me.  Even though I was a child.  Two years ago she actually moved here to be closer to me and my children.  She calls me every day.  Every single day.  If I don't answer I had better have an acceptable reason.  Being busy isn't acceptable - then I just have to call her back.  And I have to hear, at least weekly, if not more frequently, my failings as a mother, all the ways in which I'm not strict enough, doing it wrong, and how she did it better.  How much better my kids would act if they were hers.  Then she'll tell me I'm a good mother.  And that she's proud of me.  But I don't believe her.  How can I?

But - for all that.  I love my mother.  I think she has some serious psychiatric issues, yes.  But I do love her, and I do think she loves me, as much as she is capable of.  I just wish her brand of love didn't come with barbs.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

12





Total cheater post today.  I'll give you a real one tomorrow, I promise.

As an antidote to my sappy post from yesterday...

click to make bigger

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Day 11

I don't think I've told the story of how S and I met yet, have I?  *digs through archive, thankful it's still short*  oops, yes I have.  Hmmm.  Well there goes my idea for today's post.   Oh I know!!  I'll tell you how we ended up married.  That'll work!

Okay - so y'all know how I was living in LA (that would be Louisiana, not California), and S bought me a bus ticket and I ran away from my abusive ex in the middle of the night and all that.  I got here, and we just really clicked.  We both kind of thought we would, but we'd left that open.  Our main goal was to get me out of the situation I'd been in, and somewhere safe. 

I got here in October.  October 18th, 1999 to be exact.  I don't remember the exact date, but it was less than a month later that we both admitted we loved each other, and wanted this to last.  Talk about a heady moment!  It wasn't very long after that that we were both a little more than tipsy one night after playing darts (S was in a dart league when I met him - best player on the team by far!) in the backseat of the car on the way home.  I cuddled into him and said "you know I'm going to love you forever?"  he responded "you know I'm going to marry you."  His wasn't a question, it was a statement and it scared the pants off me.  Well, not literally, his stepfather was driving, but you know what I mean!

I was still in the process of divorcing my first husband.  My mother had been married 3, or was it 4? times.  None of them had been any good.  I'd had friends in abusive relationships, toxic marriages, friends whose parents had divorced in all sorts of horrible ways.  My own experience with marriage had been anything but positive.  As far as I was concerned marriage was nothing but trouble.  WHY would S want to ruin a perfectly good relationship with something like that?

Because he's a good, Christian, traditional southern boy, that's why.  As far as he's concerned, if you love someone, you make it official.  So if I wasn't willing to marry him, he just didn't see a longterm future for us.  I fussed and complained and whined.  I accused him of coercion and blackmail and all sorts of things.  But he is really stubborn.  So I agreed to marry him.  But I still hold it over his head.  It's all his fault.  :)  And... that night in the car?  Closest I ever got to a proposal.  I wasn't asked to marry him, I was TOLD I was going to marry him.

All told, it didn't take him that long.  We were married July 1st 2000.  Once I agreed, he wasted no time in planning the wedding.  We got married in Gatlinburg, TN because the laws in OK wouldn't let us get married country version of Vegas, and shortly after the ceremony we were walking around and someone stopped us and asked if we were newlyweds, and I so proudly answered "Yes!" - and got us sucked into a 20 minute spiel on timeshares!  S still hasn't let me live that down.

I just was, and am, happy to be married to him.  He's shown me that not all marriages are bad - they don't all end in pain and sorrow.  We've been together for more than 10 years, married for 9 now, and I can honestly say we have had 3 bad fights.  That's it.  We have small arguements, and we fuss at each other.  But we talk, and work things out and don't let petty things take precedence over the important stuff.  I still maintain we could have done all this without that piece of paper, but it was important to him, and now it's a part of who I am.  I am S's wife, just as much as I am my mother's daughter, or my children's mother.  It's part of my identity, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Ten

I owe today's post to won, who came to my rescue when I was inspirationless!  Thank you won!

I present to you - NaBloPoMo day 10, the numbers edition.


1,056,758,400 - how old I am.  In seconds.  Which is now wrong, since it took me more than a second to write that sentence.

14,775 - days my dear and darling S has been alive.  

1391 - number of days S has been spoiling our youngest son rotten.  Coincidentally, also the number of days since Joshua was born.

7 years, 5 months, 20 days - approximately how long I changed diapers.  Straight.  Every single day.  I really wasn't thinking about that when I planned child spacing.

11 months, 22 days - approximately how long it's been since I changed a diaper!!  Yay potty training!

316 weeks - Christopher's age!  Wow, I'm glad they don't expect you to actually keep track of that past the first few.


8 years, 5 months, 25 days - how long it's been since I've slept through the night.  That would be since the day Lexie was born, also known as my 25th birthday.  It was a busy day.

45 - days until Christmas!  And my in-laws get here 4 days before that!  I'd better start cleaning now!

14 years, 2 months, 9 days - until Joshy turns 18.  Of course, he'll still be in high school then, and not ready to move out.

47 years, 8 months, 3 days - how old I'll be when Joshy turns 18.

192- days left in this school year, counting weekends.

188 - pounds I've lost.

2- pounds I found over Halloween.

4- kitties we have in the house.  Did I mention I'm allergic to cats?

0 - number of turkeys I plan to cook on Thanksgiving.  We're having ham. 

46 - number of books on my wishlist right now.  I love books!!  I used to be able to read at least a book a day, before I had children and discovered the internet.  Now I'm lucky to get through 3 a week. 

27million - loads of laundry I have done since having children.  Approximately.  Give or take a million.

7148 - pictures I have taken with my camera in the past 2 years.   Just that camera - that doesn't count the other camera.  I like to take pictures!

5 - minutes until I have to take Christopher to school

0 - people who are at all interested in this post :)













 

   

Monday, November 9, 2009

Nine

It's Monday again.  I got NOTHING accomplished this weekend.  Well, the kids are still alive, and fed.  I guess that's something.  But other than that?  Nope.  I didn't even put the mountain of laundry up yesterday the way I normally do, which meant digging clothes out and throwing then in the dryer for S for work this morning.  Oh wait - I did cut the boys nails, which is no big deal for Joshua, but for Christopher means a huge production, with me sitting on him, holding him down.  That should count for something, right?  And I spent a LOT of time watching my favorite website self-destruct.  That was... interesting I guess.  Sad, and painful, and horrifying, and confusing as well.  I hope everyone involved is able to move on with grace and peace and hope.

But now it's a new week.  Joshy had a doctor's appointment this morning - a long over-due well child check.  He is HUGE!  He's 95%ile for weight, and off the charts on height.  No big surprise there, though.  When we go to take Christopher to school, he blends right in to the class of 5 year olds - you'd never guess he's not even 4 yet.  He got one shot, and everything else checked out perfectly.  Except his speech, which we already knew about - he's got serious mush mouth issues.  I'm the only one who can understand most of what he says.  I'm working on getting him into speech therapy, which is why the appointment today.  He needed that last vax to get caught up.  S actually told him at one point yesterday "I'm sorry, but you're going to have to go talk to Mommy - you don't speak English!"  Which is both funny, and a little sad.

Well heck - I had more to this entry, really I did, but I had to take Christopher to school, and now I can't remember where I was going with this... Oh well.  I promised to post every day, I never said it would be interesting.  I'll try to do better tomorrow! 

 

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Day 8

Lexie chose to make chocolate chip muffins yesterday.  We used the same basic recipe as the Pumpkin Spice muffins I made a few weeks back, with a chocolate cake mix instead of a spice cake, and they turned out good!  You really can't taste the pumpkin, although you can tell there's something there.  I let her do pretty much all the work herself, while I took pictures.  Ignore the bright red hair, it's spray in color.  I buy some after Halloween every year for her to play with.



 

 

 


 

Then she abandoned me for the beaters... and I finished the baking.  I'll be kind and not show the picture of what she ended up looking like AFTER she was done getting every last drop of chocolate off.  There's a reason we tell her she's a slob you know.  

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Day 7

One whole week!!  Only 3 more to go.  *headdesk*

Remind me never to complain about comments again.  Y'all are a bunch of commenting fools, and I love it.  Funny how many of us admit to being comment wh*res!  I'll make it a point to make more comments myself too.

OH!  I can't believe I forgot!  Shana gave me a blog award!  Lookie lookie lookie!  She says I ooze awesomness.  Now personally I'm against oozing anything, but for Shana, I'll do it.  Just this once. 


The rules state that I get to pass this along to 15 other newly discovered blogs that I love. Should any of you choose to accept this mission…post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the blogger to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

Of course Shana already stole a bunch of the new blogs I read, since we found them through the same place, but I'll do my best.  Now these are not new blogs, just new, or somewhat new to me.  Or ones I think you should read.  Or something.  The thing they all have in common is they are written by women I find inspiring in one way or another. 

  1. What a Whirlwind
  2. Anemone Pie
  3. An Unexpected Trip to Holland  
  4. Single, Bereaved, Broken and Tenacious 
  5. The 'Ssippi Scoup 
  6. Yes I make this all up 
  7. Paisley Place 
  8. Storm Warnings 
  9. Treats and Treasures 
  10. Wherever you go, there you are 
  11. Lucky Thirteen and Counting 
  12. It May Be a Crazy Life but it's Our Life 
  13. Attack of the Redneck Mommy 
  14. Mommy Wants Vodka 
  15. Simple Chaos 
Today is also....




Angel hosts this blog carnival!  I've missed the past couple weeks, but I'm here this week!  The theme is users choice.  So let's see what I can find...

This first one is special to me because I so rarely get a picture of my boys together.  The past week they have spent a lot of time really playing together.  Not just in the same room, but with each other.  It's a big deal around here.


This one kind of captures what was going on - Joshua was spinning in circles outside, soaking up the sun and warmth.  The joy he was radiating was so much fun to watch.




Okay... I think that's about enough for today.  This post has taken me half the day and I promised Lexie I'd go bake something with her.  I'll have to go find out what she's picked!  Maybe that'll be my post for tomorrow!

Friday, November 6, 2009

Day 6 and Yes I Did!

Yay it's Friday!  Weekend is coming and I have built in content for today.  It's a win all the way around! 



I did feed my daughter mozzarella sticks and green beans for dinner one night this week.  It was all she wanted, and I was just not in the mood to argue about it with her!  In my defense, I did insist on the green beans.  If she'd had her way it would have been just the cheese sticks!

I did make my husband post a comment on my last entry.  When I went to bed there weren't any comments, so I told him he had to write one!  I'm such a commentwh*re :)

I did stifle a sigh of relief when the library didn't have any Power Rangers movies in when it was time to exchange our current ones for new ones.  Of course, then Joshy picked Bakugans, which doesn't seem to be much better, save the really cheesy acting.

I did eat so dang much Halloween candy that I had a major crash on Tuesday.  Headache, nausea, sudden nap, the whole thing.  So I did cut myself off, and haven't had a bit of sugar since.  Too bad I had to hit that point first though.  I don't think I'll ever learn.  I do admit I'm a sugar addict!

I did tell Christopher that the Ben10 watch he wants isn't available in the stores, so he's going to have to ask Santa for it.  So now I do hear multiple times a day "Santa has...." insert Ben10 toy of choice.  It would be annoying if it weren't so cute.  He really believes that Santa has every Ben10 toy in creation.  I just hope he doesn't think he's going to get them ALL at Christmas.  I also think he believes that this watch he wants is actually going to let him turn into an alien.  He's not going to like it when he realizes it doesn't!  Reality just sucks sometimes, doesn't it?

So that's what I did this week!!  To find out what everyone else has been up to, and admit the great, and not so great things you've been doing head on over to Jeanette's!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Day 5

I'm going to try something new today.  It's a photo project called FOAM.  It originated here with a woman named Betsy, but I found it through Nance at Dysfunction Junction.  Now, standard disclaimer - I am so not a photographer.  But I'm trying to get better!

FOAM stands for Food, Outside, Abstract, Myself.  I had the hardest time with the myself portion, and ended up cheating, and using a picture that is a couple weeks old.  I promise next time to use a new one!  But anyway - here is my first attempt.
(oh and in case you didn't know - you can always click the pictures here to get a full size version!)





My food is cinnamon sugar pumpkin seeds.  They didn't turn out the way I thought they would.  They're sticky!

Outside is one of three white roses still blooming in my backyard.  Obviously they haven't gotten the memo that it's November!

Abstract is the pattern in the glass on my front door.

And myself - well, like I said, I cheated.  It's a picture of Joshua and I playing on the floor.  But it's one of the few pictures of me that I like!

Other than this, not a whole lot going on here today, getting paperwork and emails sent to get things scheduled and worked on for the big kids.  Playing with Joshua, and diligently trying to ignore this weird Bakugans thing he's watching, again.  Lexie has Girl Scouts tonight.  I really need to mop the kitchen... anyone want to come do that for me?  I'll pay you in leftover Halloween candy!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Day 4

First - I usually respond to comments in the comments.  Does anyone actually read them?  I realized that I almost never go back to read comments after I leave a comment, and so I may be wasting my time responding in there.

So, I talked a lot about Christopher after parent teacher conferences.  But I have two children in school.  What about the other one?   I'm finally ready to talk about it, and this next list, taken from this page should give you an idea where our heads are.


What are some of the red flags or warning signs that parents and teachers should be aware of related to girls and ADHD?
  • Difficulty maintaining and shifting focus
  • Easily distracted
  • Disorganized and “messy”
  • Forgetful
  • Difficulty completing tasks
  • Daydreamy
  • Slow to process information and directions (It may even appear that they aren’t hearing you)
  • Careless
  • Often late (poor time management)
  • Hyper-talkative
  • Verbally impulsive (blurts out, interrupts others)
  • Easily upset, over-reactive 
I went into her conference knowing she'd been having some issues with not completing her work, and excessive talking, and walked out completely floored.  Our smart, capable girl is barely passing 3rd grade.  She actually is failing one subject.  In every category involving getting work done, or personal responsibility, she is below grade level.  I had no idea things were anywhere near that bad.  Her teacher is not the one who suggested ADHD.  She has actually been pretty much no help at all.  The following week I sent an email requesting a weekly update from her on Lex - if she'd been getting work done in class, following directions, the whole list of things she's having trouble with and was basically blown off by the teacher.  It was that day, in talking to my mother about Lex, wondering how in the world you teach personal responsibility and listening skills that I said - "she's just so flighty all the time, almost like she has ADD or something."  Which flipped the switch in my head.  I thought I remembered reading that ADHD presents differently in girls than it does in boys, so I started researching.  The above list was the first thing I found.

It's like someone set out to write a list of Lexie.  I read it over the phone to my mom and she was as amazed as I was.  Since then I've done a lot more research, gotten the school involved, and have started the process for getting her evaluated and formally diagnosed.  According to the diagnostic criteria I've read, there's no way she won't be diagnosed.  It says a minimum of 6 behaviors - I count at least 12.  For 6 a minimum of 6 months, this has been her whole life.  Affecting 2 areas of her life - it's seriously affecting her school work, and she is constantly in trouble at home for it.  And honestly, I'm relieved.  It explains SO MUCH.  All the years of her losing everything.  Of never being able to finish any task.  The fact that she still cries so easily over everything.  The state of her room. - she can't keep it clean no matter how hard she tries.  That she's not stopped talking since the day she learned how.  (You just THINK I'm joking.  I'm not.)  We are planning to not medicate at this time.  We want to try behavior modification and organizational strategies first.  I won't rule out medication forever, but there's absolutely no reason for it to be the first thing we try.

So - anyone out there with experience here?  What should I be doing?  What shouldn't I be doing?  I'll take any advice you've got.  This one is all new to me.  We're going to have to tell Lexie what's going on here soon - any words of wisdom on that one?  Really I think she's going to be okay with it.  We've always told her that Christopher's brain is just wired differently, but that it doesn't make him better or worse than anyone else, just different.  So she's already got that in place - that everyone's brains work differently.  Can we just stick with that?

My gorgeous little girl.  I wish I could make life easy for her.  But that's never been a Mommy's job.  Just to love them through it all.  And that I do.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Day 3

Day three of NaBloPoMo and I'm already out of ideas.  This can't be good.  Makes the next 27 loom rather large and daunting.  Well, I still have a few cheap tricks up my sleeve, but I was hoping to save those for later in the month.  I really thought I could provide actual content for at least a week!  So let's see what happens if I just start typing...

The boys are watching Wall-E right now.  I like this movie.  Wall-E and Eve are so sweet together.  And Eve kicks butt.  What's even better right this minute though, is both boys are sitting calmly watching.  Not fighting, or yelling, or demanding things of me.  I'd so kiss the people at Disney for this!

I made the decision over the weekend to go back up to the full dose of my Effexor.  I realized that I had NO patience with anyone, was stressing about everything, and was just basically not doing well on the half dose.  Of course, it was not an easy, or fun decision.  I cried.  Which only reinforced the fact that I need the damn things.  Don't get me wrong, I am very glad AD's exist, and I never look down on anyone for needing to be on them.  But for me, I hate it.  I feel broken.  I was really hoping I was ready to come off, but... not yet.  I'll give it a try later down the road.  So I've been back on the full dose for 2 days now, and am waiting to feel less anxious, stressed, and sad.

On a more cheerful note, S and I have made so much progress on Christmas shopping!  The kids gifts from us are done, gifts for our parents and my sister who will all be at our house for Christmas are all almost done.  I still need to make calendars for three sets of Grandparents, and the kids need to get them gifts.  We haven't even started figuring out what we're getting for each other though, and I have yet to convince the kids to write Santa letters.  Hmmm, written out like that it doesn't feel like we've made as much progress as I thought we had.  So much for cheerful.  Bah humbug.

We can't decide what to do about a Christmas tree this year.  We have a fake tree we set up for a few years, but both prefer the look of a real one.  The problem is we like to get the tree Thanksgiving weekend.  A cut tree just doesn't make it to Christmas.  S wants to get a live potted tree, and then plant it in the yard.  But I like BIG Christmas trees, and the live ones are usually only 4-ish feet tall.  So I don't know what we're going to end up doing.  I think I'm leaning towards the fake one in the attic.  S wants to look for a tree farm where we might be able to dig up a live one that would be bigger.  Maybe I should put up a poll here and leave it up to you guys to decide!

Why does my cat carry around her catnip stuffed mouse and YOWL?  She does all the time.  Is there something about  the mouse I should know?  She won't bring it to me to play with her.  She just sits in the middle of the room with it in her mouth yelling.  Strange cat.

Okay, I think I've babbled long enough to bore you all to sleep.  Let me open the floor to you... any questions for me?  Anything!  You ask, I'll answer.  I need posting material :)  Anything you'd like to see pictures of?  Any topics you'd like my opinion on?  I'll take whatever you've got!  (S - I know you read, so this means you too!)  For now I have to figure out to be home for a phone call, and go to the library at the same time.... I'm thinking I'm going to end up owing the library a quarter for a late fee today!

Monday, November 2, 2009

November 2nd

The pictures were all recovered!  You have no idea how happy that made me.  Actually, most of you probably do, seeing as you all take digital pics too.  So that's mostly what you're going to get in this post.  I have a busy day ahead of me.  S has the day off, so we're running lots of errands, plus the usual cleaning, and school, and I'm working on getting Christopher's new IEP off the ground, and and some other stuff for Lexie.  But, it's NaBloPoMo! and I must post.  And while you're at it check out Jeanette and Angel, they're NaBlo-ing too :)


So, first, a few pumpkin carving pictures -
 


 
Hmmm... seems the lit up pictures are on the other camera.  You'll have to wait until later to see those.  Good thing I don't have ads, so it doesn't look like I'm doing it for clicks!

And now the Halloween pictures!


Joshua being the Red Power Ranger.  He had so much fun, although he couldn't wear his glasses, so I worried all night long that he was going to trip, since he couldn't see.


Christopher as Scooby Doo.  He was the most enthused about ToTing.  He would have happily kept going all night long given the opportunity.


Lexie being either a Skele-Rocker, PunkRock Skeleton, or Skele-Punk, depending on when you asked her.  Whichever answer you got, she had fun with it.  It was the first year she didn't dress up as a bride or princess.


And all three of my favorite short people together.  (Yes there is a hair continuity issue.  The picture of Lex by herself was taken on the 29th, actually, when she went to her Girl Scouts party, but it turned out better than the ones I took of her by herself on actual Halloween) I sure do love these guys!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

November 1st



Day one of NaBloPoMo, and I have to start off by telling you that I am an idiot.  Luckily it doesn't seem my idiocy is irreparable.

We had a good day yesterday, carved 4 pumpkins, and the kids went Trick or Treating.  I had a "punk skeleton",  Scooby Doo, and the Red Power Ranger.  They had a fantastic time.  I, of course, took a lot of pictures.  We came home, did the annual hype the kids on candy thing, and I downloaded the pictures.  Or so I thought.  (See my fancy foreshadowing there?)  The pictures on the camera didn't automatically delete as they're programmed to, but that happens sometimes.  So I manually deleted them.  All of them.  Without checking to make sure they'd downloaded.  I'm sure you see where this is going...

It downloaded some of the pictures.  About half of the pumpkin carving pics.  None taken after that.  So none of the finished pumpkins, including Lexie, with her very first "carved it all by myself!" vampire pumpkin.  And even worse, no Skele-Punk.  No Scooby, No Power Ranger.  I almost cried when I realized this.  Luckily S is much more computer savvy than I am, and immediately started looking for a recovery program.  I just grabbed the camera and the kids and went out front to take more pictures! (No - not with the same memory card!  I'm not doing anything to risk the pictures that might be on that card until we have done everything possible to retrieve them.)  The good news is lots of recovery programs exist, and from the scans we've done, the pictures are still there, and recoverable.  So that's what I am working on now.

But that's why you're not getting the post I planned for today.  Because I am an idiot.  Hopefully tomorrow's post will be the pictures from yesterday that I had planned for today.
 

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